Dear Roe,
I’ve been married for 15 years and have two wonderful kids and a comfortable and happy life overall with one exception: our sex life and particularly the lack of any oral sex for me. I have a higher sex drive than my wife and generally speaking we make love once a week or so. I’ve become accepting of this as I love my wife very much. However, the real issue is that the sex is boring and formulaic and I feel she has sex with me to ‘tick a box’. I’m more than happy to give my wife oral sex (and have done so for years; I enjoy it too) and she usually orgasms from this. My wife will not give me oral sex and it’s really getting to me. I’ve tried to broach this with her but she gets really angry and says I am never happy with sex. I would dearly love for my wife to give me oral sex and for it to be a part of our sex life. I’m beginning to resent the fact that she receives oral all of the time but never reciprocates and it’s really getting in on me. Can you please help on how best to approach this?
I can help you with ways to think about this, though it may not be what you’re looking for. Navigating sexual dynamics in long-term relationships is complex, especially when desires don’t align. While respectful communication is important, it not does guarantee specific outcomes. Sometimes boundaries are boundaries, and all you can do is approach them in a way that seeks to understand, not change.
What immediately strikes me is that your wife doesn’t seem enthusiastic about the sex you are currently having, and that you feel like she’s only doing it to please you. What concerns me is that you’re solely focusing on how her lack of enthusiasm is affecting you, and are not acknowledging that is sounds like your wife is regularly having sex that is purely for your sake, rather than for her own enjoyment. Trust me, the solution to this does not come from asking her for more sex. If sex feels like a chore to her, if she is frequently having sex she’s not enthusiastic about – even if it’s absolutely consensual – then demanding more frequent sex or more sexual acts that she doesn’t enjoy will not increase her desire or enthusiasm. It will make sex feel increasingly like a chore that is completely separate from her own desire and pleasure and trap you both in a cycle of dread, one-sided sexual enjoyment and resentment. It’s crucial that you consider her perspective here. She has a lower sex drive, and is already having more sex than is ideal for her.
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This brings up another essential element of your question: quality over quantity. You are focusing on the amount of sex and specific sex acts you are having instead of exploring what makes sex feel more connected, intimate and pleasurable for her. Consider shifting your perspective from focusing on what you’re not getting to acknowledging how your wife is already compromising her desires to try to keep you satisfied, and asking how you can both enjoy mutual connection and pleasure. Ask what would make sex more enjoyable for her? Would having less sex actually make her more enthusiastic about the sex you do have? You want more sex, but you’re not thinking about how your focus on quantity may be negatively impacting its quality.
I think that in long-term monogamous relationships, partners should aim to be – to borrow a term from sex writer Dan Savage – G.G.G., which stands for good, giving and game. In other words, try to be skilled, generous, and generally open-minded. However, this does not over-rule boundaries, and being a good and generous partner doesn’t only apply to performing sexual acts. It also involves being emotionally skilled enough to be aware of and respect a partner’s sexuality; creating desire and intimacy in ways that they respond to; and being generous in spirit towards each other.
Your wife may not perform oral sex, but she also has more sex than is her ideal to try to bring you pleasure. You may be willing to perform oral sex on your wife, but may not be creating intimacy in a ways she responds to, and may not be being emotionally generous by focusing on the one thing she doesn’t do instead of all the things she does. This may be the source of her frustration and claim that you’re never happy. Acknowledging what she does for you and your role in this dynamic will help facilitate honesty and connection rather than blame, resentment, and defensiveness.
It’s also important to acknowledge that she may simply not like it and have a hard boundary around this that you will have to accept
You also mention feeling resentful because you give oral sex and she doesn’t reciprocate. I understand that the imbalance can feel hurtful. But it’s crucial to remember: sexual pleasure is not transactional. Just because you enjoy giving doesn’t mean she’s obliged to give in return. Approaching intimacy as a trade-off leads to resentment and disconnect. (Also, I presume that you are orgasming from the sex you are currently having – because I assume you would mention if you were not – so let’s not equate you not receiving oral sex with not enjoying any sexual pleasure.)
The reason I want you to think about all of this is because when you speak to your wife, it will be much more helpful to be generous, to acknowledge what she is doing, and to approach the conversation as a way of speaking about your shared intimacy, rather than playing a blame game. Start a conversation with your wife about your sex life, asking her how she feels about it; whether there’s anything you could do to make it feel more enjoyable and connected for her; and how you could help her feel more appreciated, loved and connected generally, as well as within your sex life.
Then, ask her to tell you about why oral sex hasn’t been something she has wanted to do. Approach this question with curiosity, not expectation. For example, you might say, “I want us to feel close and connected in every way, and I realise oral sex is something we’ve struggled to talk about. I’d love to understand how you feel about it, with no pressure, just to understand each other better.” If there are particular reasons such as hygiene, or her feeling insecure in her skills, in believing that she has to perform oral sex to completion when it could simply be a part of sex, this could be navigable.
However, it’s also important to acknowledge that she may simply not like it and have a hard boundary around this that you will have to accept. You can’t make her do this, and you shouldn’t want to. If she’s unwilling or unable to include this in your sex life, then you’re left with a choice. You can accept this as a boundary and find other ways to feel fulfilled sexually within your marriage, or you can decide that this is a deal-breaker and leave the relationship. You can end a relationship for any reason you want, including sexual incompatibility. Neither choice is easy, but staying and resenting her will only breed more frustration. A couples counsellor can help you unpack all of this before making any decisions.
All long-term relationships involve sacrifice and bargains. The question is whether this is a compromise you can live with or if this is worth ending your relationship over. If you decide to stay, focus on enhancing emotional intimacy and exploring new ways to connect sexually that feel good for both of you. Good luck.
