Question
Our lovely grandson is now 19, and we are having difficulties. Our daughter was 20 when she had him and, as she was still in college, we took over much of the parenting, and to be honest we’ve pretty much kept up this role until now.
Our daughter is almost 40 and is finally on a good career track, and has put a deposit on a house so will be moving out soon. She has told her son that it is up to him where he lives and that he can either stay with us or move in with her, but we are very unsure about this. We are exhausted from the vigilance of keeping tabs on a 19-year-old who really does not seem to be aware of any danger, and who sees us as fuddy-duddies who know nothing of life and who seem to want to curtail his every wish.
Our daughter has not ever been a parent who puts limits on anything and, in reality, she is now enjoying a social life that is far better than her son’s. We think she does not want the responsibility of having him around and is trying to push him into saying he wants to stay with us. We are both retired a few years now and really want to do the things we saved for – travel a bit, do up the house and put an end to the 40 years of parenting we have put in.
But we are afraid that if we say this, they will both feel abandoned and may even fall off the good track that they are each on. Maybe our grandson is right in thinking that we have no idea of the world he lives in, but our fear is that, without some boundaries, he will not be successful in college, and we will be to blame for this.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
It took our daughter a long time to get her life on track after her pregnancy, so we know how important those years are and also know how important family support is.
Answer
You are right in your thinking that boundaries are important, and setting them and keeping them are an act of love and responsibility.
Your letter suggests that you may have a dependency-inducing parenting style, both for your grandson and your daughter, and you are now bearing the fruit of this style. In truth, your daughter needs to be the main parent of her son and now is a great opportunity (as she moves out) to set up a contract with both her and your grandson. You may have tried this before, but what is important here is to set up something reasonable and then to completely follow through on it.
You have a great opportunity to change the family pattern
You really do need to take this time for yourselves, and do whatever you might find attractive, but you need to do this without guilt or fear. The only way this can happen is if you set the terms and have agreement on them.
A 19-year-old is at the beginning of adulthood and needs to be given responsibilities that go along with it. Ideally, you would be able to leave your house in his care while you travel, but he would need to earn this privilege, and so the first part of the contract is that he stays with his mother while you are away.
[ ‘I am really struggling with the drinking culture among my friends’Opens in new window ]
If he shows that he can be trusted, via his ability to take responsibility for other aspects of living with others (chores, trustworthiness and maturity) then he can become more of a friend and less of a child.
Your daughter too needs to take her share of responsibility and parenting, and the chances of this succeeding are higher if you are out of the country and she has to manage without your oversight and management. This will require a straight conversation where you formally hand over the parenting of her son to her and define how you want your grandparenting to be.
[ ‘I think my brother might be controlling his wife and daughter’Opens in new window ]
You might agree a stepped-care approach where your grandson stays with you while your daughter gets settled, but that he then moves into her house, and you go travelling.
You have a great opportunity to change the family pattern. For this to work, you need to convince both yourself and your daughter and grandson that this is the best way forward and then follow through completely. This means that when you are travelling, or organising renovating, your mind stays focused on what you agreed and emotionally you are committed to the contract.
Ultimately, everyone will benefit from this arrangement, and boundaries will be appropriate and useful in allowing everyone to fulfil their roles and protect against crossover. A grandparent can offer wise counsel, provide occasional support and be a delighted onlooker in development of their grandchildren’s lives.
It is time for you to move into the “grand” parent part of this and enjoy the role.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
