Question
I met a rugby player at a gig. He was living locally and was a breath of fresh air. I knew that I was his first partner in a while. It seemed he could not get enough of me and it was great fun for ages.
We used to meet on a Wednesday and Sunday night and, to be honest, this suited me as I have a fairly busy life. However, I found out some time later that he was four-timing me. The Sundays were the first to go – he’d text to say that he had late training or else that he’d come over much later.
Then Wednesdays began to wobble and that was when I began to suspect something was wrong. I confronted him, and he owned up to having another person in his life. I was a bit devastated. I felt rejected and began to question my attractiveness.
But then I discovered that there were three other women as well, and somehow that did not seem as bad. The thing is that now I know, I find that I am more attracted to him than ever and he likes it as he doesn’t have to lie. Weirdly, the problem is that I have to keep him hidden, as my friends and family would so totally not approve of my seeing him.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
The knowing about the other partners has added another layer to our get-togethers, and it can be very thrilling. However, I also know that this is a passing thing, and I need to get serious if I want to share my life with someone. But this is addictive and I’ve no interest in anyone else since this started. I love my Wednesdays and Sundays (these have been reinstated). There is something about having sex with no need for responsibility that is particularly satisfying.
My advice to myself is grow up and dump him, but it is so very hard to do so.
Answer
There are a lot of interesting aspects to your letter. That you are really enjoying sex with a consenting adult is wonderful, but it is interesting that you feel you should end it. Also, there is that sense of rejection when you realised that he was with other women, but liberated when it turns out there was more than one. Then, there is hiding this from your friends and family and the fact that you feel the relationship is hampering your search for a serious life partner and that you might be judged for this.
What is also interesting is that you are not judging your sex partner in the same way – do you think he is hampering his chances of a serious relationship?
You know he is lying to others, but instead of causing you distress, you are enjoying the intimacy of shared complicit engagement. There is something liberating about separating desire from social rules and you are having an experience where the sex is allowing you to experience emotional freedom. You do not have to care for, or mind, this man and so can take what you need, or indeed decide not to engage without any responsibility.
So, why the shame? Why hide it?
Is there something shameful about acting sexually when you know there is no hope for relationship? If so, where did this come from? Surely, if you can answer that all is within ethical bounds, you should be free to tell people that you are having a great time. It is worth tracking your shame to see how much of it was imposed on you and what you can let go of. It is worth standing up for your right to desire and pleasure and to use this experience to investigate your own sense of self.
You are unlikely to find this long-term union if you continue with your sexual partnership so hard choices may have to be made
You might journal your thoughts on why you felt devastated when you thought you were being two-timed, but how that turned to freedom when there were more involved. If this fails to shed light, you might try a couple of sessions with a psychologist or psychotherapist as they will be skilled in both uncovering shame and in delving into your buried feelings.
You might also find that you have to move into more of an adult setting (taking responsibility for your own actions) when speaking to friends and family and this might also be liberating, in that you will speak from a position of courage and strength.
In terms of your fear that this sexual relationship will stop you from seeking a more settled relationship, you are in charge of what your pursue and making confident decisions will only add to your attractiveness. But you are unlikely to find this long-term union if you continue with your sexual partnership, so hard choices may have to be made.
However, many people find that when the infatuation (kept alive by the secrecy) settles, then more rational choices can be made and you can welcome this phase, knowing that you have discovered more about yourself and your wants and desires.
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