Dear Roe,
A few years ago my ex started blanking me in public, which hit me like a punch in the stomach. We had split up years before but had managed to remain friends, so his behaviour came out of the blue. I tried to talk to him about it but he refused to engage. I couldn’t take another public humiliation so eventually I accepted it and just put my head down whenever I saw him.
However, the real issue is the way our mutual friends, and even close family members of mine, empathise with him rather than me. When I tell people about the way he is treating me the typical response is, “He must still be in love with you.” When I tell them how bad it feels to be ignored and humiliated in public, they imply that I am being overly dramatic and change the subject.
Last summer I went to a festival and he was there, camping with my friends and family, while my boyfriend and I camped alone. For the whole weekend he acted like I didn’t exist in front of everyone and they all tolerated it. I feel that ignoring someone is a form of emotional abuse, and by saying nothing my friends are validating his behaviour. I feel huge anger towards the so-called friends that enable this behaviour, and I am stunned that a close family member is one of them.
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I have spoken to everyone who knows about this situation and told them about the physical reactions I experience when he blanks me, but none of them seem to care. I have told them how unacceptable it is to ignore someone in public and they say, “He must have his reasons.”
I know that I have done nothing to deserve this treatment, and I certainly do not think that his behaviour is indicative of “love”. I live in a different city and I feel I cannot spend time with my old gang because he will be there, so I stay away. I don’t want to lose my old friends but I can’t keep banging my head against this wall. Am I wrong to expect someone to stick up for me?
I admit, this question hits me in a particularly sensitive place. I carry a deep wariness around groups that overlook or tolerate mistreatment under the guise of politeness or keeping the peace. I’ve seen how harm and bullying and mistreatment can go unchecked when people confuse neutrality with kindness and prioritise their own comfort over ensuring that individuals are safe and treated with respect.
Reading your letter, I felt your layered sense of confusion, pain and betrayal, because you’re not just describing one hurtful dynamic between you and your ex – you’re describing a system that enables harm.
Let’s start with the behaviour itself: your ex is stonewalling you. This isn’t passive – it’s a calculated, public silence meant to assert power. Stonewalling sends a message of, “I can erase you, and no one will stop me.” In front of others, this creates a power imbalance: He looks stoic and unbothered, while you’re the one who reacts, who feels disoriented and ashamed. That’s part of the tactic – it keeps you questioning your reality and your right to exist in the space.
Sometimes I will defend a person’s right to ignore someone else. If they’ve been harmed or deeply disrespected, and the person who hurt them knows exactly what they did and hasn’t made amends – then, frankly, fire away and ignore them. But those situations usually involve serious harm or betrayal. That doesn’t seem to be the case here. You and your ex broke up years ago, remained friends for a while, and then – out of the blue – he began pretending you didn’t exist.
[ ‘My partner broke up with me to ‘find himself’ – but still texts me every day’Opens in new window ]
Now, it is possible that over time, your ex has reinterpreted the relationship and has come to believe that you were hurtful or acted badly. If that were the case, I’d defend his right to set a boundary. But a true boundary doesn’t need to be cruel, performative or punishing, and can be communicated. From what you’ve said, he hasn’t expressed anything to you or to anyone else, suggesting that this is simply emotional avoidance dressed up as power. He probably can’t cope with his feelings about you or the break-up, and instead of dealing with that internally or relationally, he’s opting for erasure and control.
This power-play would be hurtful enough if it ended with him – but it doesn’t. It’s now extended into your wider social circle thanks to how your friends and family have responded – or how they have failed to. When people witness this kind of dynamic and do nothing, they’re not being neutral. They’re making a choice. Whether consciously or not, they are siding with the person causing harm. They’re upholding the toxic idea that it’s somehow worse to name bad behaviour than to let the bad behaviour continue.
The people who are supposed to care about you are helping your ex treat you badly by excusing it, downplaying it or continuing to socialise with him like nothing’s wrong. That’s the really deep cut – the loneliness of being mistreated in plain sight while the people who are supposed to care about you turn away.
Here’s the hard truth: you can’t change him, and you can’t make other people do the right thing. But you can start enforcing your own boundaries.
You don’t owe the group your presence. You don’t need to keep showing up to your own humiliation
You can stop walking into situations where you know you’ll be erased. You can say to your friends and family, “If you invite both of us, and you allow him to treat me this way in front of you, I will not come. I am not doing that any more.” If he ignores you in front of other people, you can calmly say, “He is ignoring me for no reason and you’re all letting it happen. I’m not staying where people treat me like this.” And leave.
If your presence is going to be disregarded, you don’t owe the group your presence. You don’t need to keep showing up to your own humiliation. Remember, you’re not the one cutting people off. You are presenting the people who are supposed to love you with a choice, and inviting them into accountability. You’re saying, “I want to be here, but not like this. Not under these conditions. Not if you all contribute to my dehumanisation.”
[ ‘My ex has broken up with me six times in eight years. How do I break the cycle?’Opens in new window ]
Consider if one or two people in the group can act as confidantes, who feel comfortable calling him out publicly, or warning him before group events that if he can’t handle or acknowledge your presence, he’s not invited. When you’re visiting home, proactively invite only the people you want to see to hang out, instead of attending whole-group events that include him. This also feels like a great time to expand your social circle and find people who genuinely care about you and will stand up for you.
But ultimately, the most important relationship here is the one you have with yourself. You know what’s happening. You know it’s not what you deserve. Other people’s failings and cowardice is a reflection of them, not you.
Hold your boundary, not as a punishment, but as an act of self-respect. Work on rebuilding your sense of safety and peace, both yourself and by surrounding yourself with good people. The ones who can handle conflict and communicate clearly. The ones who can apologise, and make amends. The ones who are willing to speak up and stand up for you and others. Those are your people. Those are the ones to keep around.
