With March comes the season of school exams and college course madness, bringing in its tracks accelerated anxiety. Private counselling sessions, added to the list of private subject grinds, have become the new “school grind” trend. Have we, as parents and educators, become part of the problem rather than part of the solution in dealing with typical child/teenage anxiety?
Are we shielding our children from one of life’s organic lessons in survival by denying them sitting with the not knowing, the not having, the not being enough, and the ensuing flood of emotions that leave one anything from anxious to panic-ridden? Are we, as adults, willing teenagers to rid themselves of anxiety by paying for private talk therapy rather than deal with the reality of functional anxiety as a normal phenomenon of life and build resilience?
What I am focusing on here is the overreaction to typical teenage growing-up anxiety that challenges them daily, the natural anxiety needed for them to develop life skills, coping strategies and independent living.
The implicit message to children is that anxiety is a destructive emotion and that panic needs to be feared and fended off lest they fail to keep their equilibrium in the home or their balance on the academic tightrope we have set for them in our education system.
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The temptation is to take the short route and protect our children from learning to take a fall, deal with disappointment and endure the natural angst accompanying teenage years. Private counselling grinds are sold as the answer to all their woes through a bombardment of therapy advertising.
There are many routes to successful transitioning from childhood to adulthood
In desperation, parents sometimes yield under the pressure of their own anxiety, trying to manage the juggling of childcare with all the other duties in the mix. Understandably, it would be easier to bypass the messiness of living with a teenager and succumbing to the promise of a quicker transition into adulthood. To do without all the teenage naval gazing, introspection, mood swings and indecision would make life easier. However, the opportunity could be lost for the teenager to gain self-awareness, autonomy and self-agency through learning to manage their vulnerable self.
As adults, the more we fear, the more we create fear for the child. In wanting to comfort our children and ease their burden, we are in danger of depriving them of learning for themselves, of experiencing the anxiety needed to emotionally mature, to self-transcend, to perform at an optimal level and to take calculated risks to find resilience and wellbeing.
It reminds me of stomach care, where we are so precious in our intake, microbiome and gut health that we lose the resilience we gain from exposure to a wide range of foods. It’s like rushing to the GP with a common cold. Even knowing better, we cannot resist the temptation to interfere and interrupt the developmental pathway to resilience, driven by our discomfort and impatience to find solutions. Their teachers, guidance counsellors and principals experience similar high levels of stress from trying to unburden these children from anxiety, and it becomes a systemic toxic cycle.
I acknowledge that the presentation of anxiety symptoms can signal more than just teenage angst. Sometimes, it can be a red flag for other underlying neurological or neurodevelopmental issues, domestic issues, trauma and other clinical issues. Parents are frustrated by the lack of services and struggle desperately to get any support possible for their child. I have been both a parent and a working professional in this situation, trying everything in my power to link those affected with appropriate services.
I have learned that there are many routes to successful transitioning from childhood to adulthood, many different ways of learning, and many courses and career paths to be experienced and enjoyed. No one-size-fits-all guidelines apply in attending to the learning needs of individuals.
If teenagers had the time they needed to develop their critical-thinking skills and self-differentiate, the esteem, autonomy and agency it could bring would make a significant difference to their lives in the long term. Imagine no rush to grow up by a certain age, no unwarranted extra external pressure on young shoulders, just the ordinary functional anxiety of learning to follow one’s inner compass.
Ironically, children survive despite internal and external challenges. When they finally leave school and their parents, they suddenly are unshackled from the anxiety and depression that we projected on them, and we stand amazed. Each child teaches you the necessary humility to let go and let live. Trusting in their ability to deal with their issues and live their own lives builds resilience more than anything we might do to aid the process.
If only we had known to trust in ourselves as caring adults and them as abled, resourceful young adults a little more.
Dr Clare Finegan is a lecturer in education, guidance and counselling at Maynooth University’s Department of Education
