I write now of a time before The Irish Timesmoved to a vast, shining edifice with a rooftop cafe that serves several types of bread.
That distant era before humongous photographs of Brian O'Driscoll were placed strategically in the ground-floor windows for the delectation of passing motorists. I speak of a time before we had to swipe our way around the building like people who work for the CIA.
Before all of this happened we were based down the road, where foccacia was a bad word and I was plagued by an office gremlin. I could use an old-fashioned word here, such as thief, but gremlin sounds more mischievous and less evil. Although, come to think of it, stealing the money from a sealed Trócaire box is probably more evil than mischievous. Ditto stealing my post, including a charming letter from a 92-year-old man that I was going to show to my invisible grandchildren. Still, a gremlin he or she was. A thieving, ignorant, rotten gremlin. (I am over it now, clearly.)
Everything changed when we moved. Gremlins were not welcome. They certainly weren't issued with swipe cards. All of a sudden, stuff on my desk stayed where it was, even if I forgot to lock it away. The office gremlin vanished - to be replaced by what I like to call my desk fairy. She (or indeed he) is a much friendlier sprite. S/he giveth rather than taketh. S/he even leaves notes.
The most recent Post-it stuck to my computer read "Don't apologise, remember you are in control" in capital letters. It was as though Desk Fairy was in my head, helping me to solve the latest mini-crisis that had beset my working life. I didn't apologise. I remembered I was in control. And that little matter turned out rather well, thanks be to Desk Fairy.
Desk Fairy doesn't judge and so has never tried to enforce the clean-desk policy that has been in operation around here since the first day we moved. S/he makes me want to be good, though, so the other morning, through the fog of another karaoke-induced hangover, I inventoried all the stuff festering under my desk. One smelly pair of runners. A vase in the shape of a U. A key attached to a key ring with my name on it. A yoga mat. A battered Orla Kiely handbag. (Excellent. I'd forgotten about that bag. And about the fact that a pen leaked all over the lining. Hey ho.)
Where was I? Oh yes. A Santa suit in a cardboard box. Several copies of the holy magazine The Sacred Heart Messenger. A half-empty tube of soluble vitamins. I plan to get rid of it all. Except maybe the Santa suit. One never knows.
I suspect it was the influence of Desk Fairy that had me playing a jolly, and rather illuminating, game with my post today. I decided that the first five things I opened would contain a lesson to help me complete a raft of goals I had for this year, none of which now seems viable.
The first thing I pull out of an envelope is a book called Anyone Can Run with a quote from Ray D'Arcy, the Today FM broadcaster and teenage pin-up of mine, who says he can run five miles in 45 minutes, "and sure what else would you get done in 45 minutes?" Loads, Ray. A bottle of wine. At least 15 renditions of I Know Him So Well in a karaoke booth. Maybe the book title wasn't quite finished. Anyone Can Run (a Bath). Anyone Can Run (for Election). Lesson learned: Ray D'Arcy is still quite fanciable but not very good at making running sound interesting.
The second thing is a holy magazine. On page 11 is an article called "Fast and Abstinence". "Jesus does not ask us to fast for 40 days in the desert as he did himself. A reasonable service is all he asks from us." Lesson learned: Abstinence makes the heart grow stronger. Decide to give up focaccia sambos for Lent.
I want to take this opportunity to thank Desk Fairy, whoever s/he may be. And I'd like to remind readers that we can all be desk fairies. You just need to notice when other people in your office are going through a hard time and use your imagination to think of anonymous ways to cheer them up, offer inspiration or just provide chocolate therapy. Anyone can be a desk fairy. It's a kind of magic.
Róisín Ingle presents Weekend Blend at 10am every Saturday on Newstalk 106-108fm.