Every parent will remember their child on the first day of school. Did they cry and cling to your leg? Or skip off without a glance over their shoulder? Did you walk away in tears? Fast forward nine years, and, while there may be less clinging and crying, it can still be as emotional as your child is once again the “baby” on their first day at secondary school.
Parents should acknowledge that there will be a period of adjustment, so allow your child, and yourself, space and time before you wonder if they’re not settling in. Also be aware that you and your child may have different fears and concerns: the things that excite them about secondary school may be the very things causing you to worry: independence, freedom, mixing with new people, love interests.
The biggest single worry for teens starting secondary school is generally about friendships. Even children who are moving with an established group worry about being separated into different classes. Reassure your child that everyone is in the same boat, and that even the most outwardly confident person is nervous. Talk to them in advance about practical things like starting a conversation, talking to people about joint interests, joining in sports or activities, and just saying hello to the person sitting next to you. Another good tip is to encourage your child to keep up any old friendships and activities outside school.
It can be heartbreaking for a parent to watch their child struggling socially, but it's important to strike a balance between supporting them and not making the situation worse by letting them feel your anxiety. If you're lucky enough to have a socially confident child, encourage them watch out for anyone who is having problems and to include them if they can.
Choices
Another big concern for parents is that their child will make friends who are not good for them. Rather than banning certain friends – which can make them even more desirable – ask yourself what role they fill in your child's life; is it because they can't make any other friends, or does your child see something in them that you don't?
They will inevitably make poor choices at some stage in their lives, and sometimes it can be wise to let the friendship run it’s course rather than intervening too soon.
At a practical level, fatigue can be a big issue for first years as they adapt to the changed system, longer hours, regular after-school sports and more homework. Battling with these demands is the screen time, with 70 per cent of teenagers spending one hour or more on the internet or phone daily. As they struggle to organise their time, it will help them if you set some clear rules and boundaries about sleep and weekday internet access. Teens need about nine and a half hours of sleep; less than this and their learning ability and mood will suffer.
Extra planning
Children who have special needs and received supports in primary school will need that little bit of extra planning when it comes to secondary school. Resource hours, special-needs assistants and learning support hours do not automatically follow a child and their new school may need to reapply to the Department of Education. Don't leave anything to chance, and inform the new school if your child has any special needs as soon as possible.
From an academic point of view, personal organisation, planning and self-direction are key skills for secondary school. Greater emphasis and value is also placed on personal thought and opinion than in primary school. Difficulties in any of these areas can sometimes go unnoticed in the structured and predictable primary school environment and, while some children blossom with the change in learning and teaching styles, others can run into difficulties.
Most children will have initial problems with the new demands of managing their own timetable, bringing the right books, moving from class to class, and juggling 12 subjects, and it’s important to to support them without taking over to an extent that they never learn the skills for themselves. You can help them to get organised and into a routine during the first few weeks – homework at a specific time; reminders to pack the bag and lay out their uniform the night before – but gradually let them take over the management themselves. It’s a good idea to have a copy of their timetable visible at home and colour-code each subject and the relevant books. If there are problems with planning and organising put up a whiteboard in the kitchen with all the family’s lists and activities so the focus is taken away from the teen alone.
Use the rest of the summer to help them get organised in small ways and have the books, uniform and bag sorted in advance. Teach them practical things like making their own sandwich, choosing and paying for a healthy lunch, and getting the bus or train alone; talk through what to do if they miss the bus or forget their money.
Most schools have an induction day for first years and there is generally a big push in the first few weeks to welcome and integrate the new students. Some children can still get lost in a system where there might be 100-plus students in the year and teachers who see them for only 40 minutes twice a week. Open, three-way communication between you, your child and the school will help ensure that things run as smoothly as possible.
This is an exciting but slightly daunting time for both you and your child. Most make the transition without too many problems, but it's a good idea to keep a special eye on them and make yourself more available to talk and offer support during the first few weeks.
Sarah O'Doherty is a clinical psychologist
