Eating out:I don't know what the people behind Five, a new restaurant on South Anne Street in Dublin, had in mind when they started their project. But cool design and very modern decor seem to have been part of the game plan.
Indeed, for a deep and narrow space, Five has made the most of the limitations, and we loved the fact that Moulin Rouge! was being projected, without sound, on to the back wall. We liked the seats, the tables and even the lights, although the latter cast the diner into either Stygian gloom or intriguing shadow, depending on your point of view (and, possibly, age group).
All in all, Five is quite a cool restaurant. Apart from the food. This seems to have been given a great deal less consideration than the rest of the project. Admittedly, we ate there on the third day of its existence, and I've no doubt that there were teething troubles. Professional and friendly front-of-house staff did their best, but the grub was no match for the look of the place.
Actually, even the menu is no match for the physical surroundings. It's as if it was put together by a committee, with the brave modernists winning on design and the terrified conservatives getting their way on the menu. Someone seems to have said: "Hang on, guys. Don't do anything that will frighten the horses. Let's have a really dull menu that will appeal to everybody." Or nobody, as the case may be.
In this cool restaurant the coolest dish appears to be, er, um, rosemary-skewered monkfish tempura with chilli-lime dipping sauce, to which we will return. You can have that as a starter, or if you prefer you can have soup, chicken wings or "loaded potato skins topped with Cheddar, creme fraiche and sweet and spicy onion relish". That's it. This would be less than impressive even if the dishes were done really well; our two samples were not.
The potato skins were oily and far from crisp, and the Cheddar was minimal; it all begged a simple question: why? In its favour, this starter was served with very fresh mixed leaves.
The monkfish was overcooked, the rosemary skewers did nothing for it and the batter was rather flabby. The dipping sauce was quite nice, in a soyish kind of way.
"Free range Irish chicken fillet, served with roast Portobello mushrooms, herb tomatoes, Clonakilty mash and veal reduction" was fine, but it won't set South Anne Street, let alone Dublin 2, on fire. And although it tasted fine, the black pudding made the spud look rather unappetising.
"The original, flame-grilled burger with mayo and ketchup", to which I added bacon and Cheddar at €1 each, was a perfectly adequate hamburger, even if the rasher and the cheese had merged into a kind of leathery cap. The home-made chips were a bit overbrowned, but they tasted good.
Which is more than I can say for the "cookies and cream cheesecake", a pink amalgam that seemed already to be dissolving as it hit the table. A chocolate pecan brownie was perfectly decent but certainly didn't do any reinventing.
Should we expect reinventing? Or a bit of excitement? Yes. There's no point creating an environment such as Five and then dishing up dull, predictable food. And, at €16.50 for that hamburger, we have the right to expect something extra.
This safe, conservative menu may be explained by many things, but one of them is beyond the remit of the people who have created Five: the safe, conservative food served by nine out of 10 Dublin restaurants. Do our restaurateurs ever go to London? Paris? New York? Sydney? If they do, they don't bring back any ideas. Or is it that Irish punters, notwithstanding the Celtic bloody Tiger, still want meat and three veg like Mammy used to cook?
The bill for this adequate meal in a cool environment, including coffees, three bottles of San Pellegrino and two glasses of wine, came to €93.70. Which is a lot.
Five, 5 South Anne Street, Dublin 2, 01-6728555
WINE CHOICE:It's a cool restaurant, so, obviously, the wines are cool, too. Er, no. There's a Chardonnay (€5.50) and a Merlot (€6) as house wines by the glass or a Sauvignon Blanc (€6.50) and Montepulciano d'Abruzzo for the wacky, left-field folk. Then there are notes such as: "Fabulously soft and sensual with a hint of spice underpinning the ripe fruit." Spice doesn't underpin anything, let alone ripe fruit. Anyway, what to drink? Yalumba Y Series Viognier (€29) is a very pleasant white, as is Pewsey Vale Riesling (but a bit dear at €33). You can't go wrong with J Vidal-Fleury Côtes du Rhône, even if €29 is a bit steep. Don't spend €38 on Bouchard Aîné et Fils' Fleurie. So, there you have it: a wine list that is marginally less cool than the menu.