A survey on the effect of parental drinking on teenagers found that parents' drinking habits can influence how children perceive alcohol. ROISIN INGLEspoke to five teenagers about the role alcohol plays in their family
ANY PARENT concerned about how their behaviour around alcohol may be influencing the drinking habits of their teenagers should get their hands on a recent survey on the subject which canvassed the views of 9,000 12- to 18-year-olds around the country.
Similar studies have been compiled before but the ISPCC’s National Children’s Consultation is the first one on the issue of drink that gives a voice to young Irish people. We learn, not surprisingly, that when it comes to their parent’s drinking they don’t like hypocrisy even if they are sometimes guilty of it themselves – one in five teenagers surveyed said it was fine for young people to drink five or more alcoholic drinks in one sitting while just 9 per cent say adults should drink the same amount.
The report also states that 90 per cent of those surveyed did not feel parental drinking impacted on them negatively, while one in 10 believed parental drinking had been a damaging force in their lives. Some 79 per cent of those surveyed said parents should not drink alcohol and become drunk in front of their children.
“My parents are hypocrites,” said one participant. “They tell us not to drink. They get drunk every night.” Others spoke about how they saw their parent’s personalities change when under the influence of alcohol. One said parents were often unable “to have a proper conversation because they are too drunk to even remember what you’ve said”. Another said their parent became a “different person” while drunk and had “no control” over their own behaviour.
Then there was the teenager who noticed a positive change in their parent’s behaviour while drinking. He or she provides the most poignant quote in the report: “When my parents are drunk, that is when I like to be around them the most because they are kind of loving.”
“The main message for parents from the survey is that it’s a good idea to reflect on their own drinking and how their habits can impact on their children,” says the ISPCC’s Aoife Griffin. “We are not trying to be dogmatic or lecture parents, we just want to show them that they have a huge role to play in how their children perceive alcohol. It’s far better for teenagers to learn about alcohol from their parents in a socially responsible environment where it’s acceptable to discuss the issues.”
The Irish Timesspoke to a cross section of teenagers about how their parents' attitudes to alcohol have affected theirs.
'I don't think I've ever seen my parents drunk'
Holly Kealy is an 18-year-old Leaving Cert student from Dublin
Holly says she is not a binge drinker and puts this down to the way her parents "eased" her into alcohol use. At 15, she was allowed half a glass of wine with her Christmas dinner, at 16 she could have a drink on holidays and by the time she was 17 she was given permission to have a few drinks. "I know people whose parents were much more strict than mine and they would tend to live for the weekends when they can go out binge drinking," she says. "I don't think I've ever seen my parents drunk," she says.
Susan Kealy, Holly's mother, says that as a parent she and her husband had a deliberate policy of teaching their children to respect alcohol.
"We felt that if you deny somebody something they just want it 10 times more. We took the mystery out of it and so far none of them are big drinkers. We wouldn't be either," she says.
When Susan has friends over to the house, she is "very conscious" about her alcohol intake. "I would be aware if I get a little bit tipsy and the children would slag me. I am lucky in a way in that I can't drink more than a few myself.
"The problem is that drink is so easily available nowadays and from an earlier age – I wouldn't have had my first drink until I was 20. Now it seems that some teenagers think they can't enjoy themselves without drink, but my three girls seem to have a sensible approach and that's a relief," she says.
'It's not a nice thing to see'
Sixteen-year-old Jennifer* from Dublin
Jennifer has seen her father drunk a few times but one incident during her sister’s 21st birthday party stands out from the rest. “Dad had started drinking before the party but as the night progressed it just got worse,” she says. Her father became increasingly rude to guests, at one stage confronting a family member and then breaking down in tears while Jennifer tried to placate him.
“Then my sister started crying and Dad became even more irritated at how everyone was making a fuss about him,” she says. At five in the morning her father decided he would drive home and nearly ran her over while she tried to get the keys from him.
“Eventually we convinced him it was too dangerous . . . an hour later he came back, banging on the door and demanding his keys were returned.” Reluctant and crying, Jennifer gave him the keys.
Two years on, she says it is an “embarrassing and painful” memory. “Adults are especially difficult to calm down when they are drunk, they are completely oblivious to what they are doing . . . it’s just not a nice thing to see.
“I felt bad for him because I knew he would be ashamed of himself and he would have only himself to blame. I also worried for his health a lot,” she says. “It didn’t make me hate alcohol but it did make me more conscious of how I would drink if I did and how I would act around people who cared for me. My sister and I said afterwards that we would think twice about inviting him to our weddings.”
*Not her real name
'They inspire me not to drink too much'
Eighteen-year-old Kiaran O’Shaughnessy lives in Waterford with his parents and two younger teenage siblings
“When it comes to alcohol, I think my parents have shown me a really good example,” says Kiaran. “They are fairly responsible. They drink on rare occasions like weddings and I’ve never seen them drunk – they inspire me not to drink too much.”
Having said that, at his 18th birthday recently, celebrated with a party for friends and family at his home, Kiaran admits he may have over-indulged. “I enjoyed myself, I probably drank too much that night,” he says.
His mother, Patricia, confirms this saying he was only able to manage soup at 6pm the next day. “We had the party at home so that it would be safer, we knew there would be drinking but at least at home we knew what was going on,” she says.
Kiaran has been out a few times since. “I have had a few drinks but I haven’t got drunk. I think my parents have shown me that you don’t need alcohol to have a good time,” he says. His younger brother Aaron (13) says he is glad that his parents don’t drink to excess. “What your parents do does affect you,” he says. “Some of my friends drink. I wouldn’t tell them not to, I just think it’s their problem.”
'We lost him completely to drink'
Alexandra Koniezka (15) originally from Poland and living in Ireland
Growing up in Poland, Alexandra lived with her mother and alcoholic father. Eventually her father’s alcoholism led to him leaving the family home and living on the streets. “It was something we didn’t talk about much as a family and looking back I think it would have been better if we did,” she says. “We lost him completely to drink. I would see him on the streets and know that he still loved us, but life was better without him – we knew that.”
Now living in Dublin, she says her perception of drink as a teenager has been coloured by her early childhood experience. “I feel disgust for alcohol now and for others who are drinking. I don’t drink now, I may do in the future but I think I will be responsible about alcohol,” she says.
She has had friends at school who were going through similar experiences. “I try to advise them, I say talk to your parent but mostly it doesn’t make any difference,” she says.
Alexandra says she has put her own experience behind her and doesn’t think about it much anymore. “I try to be happy,” she says.
