Q My middle son, who is 10 years old, has taken to secret eating. As a family we try to limit the sweets and treats our children have, making sure they have them only at the weekend. I wouldn't say we are overly strict and it is generally accepted by the kids.
But, over time, we have discovered that biscuits and other treats are disappearing from the cupboard and I caught my son in the middle of the night going down to eat some cake that was left over from visitors earlier.
My wife has noticed that he tends to hoard sweets and cakes, and sometimes we find a bunch of wrappers or other evidence that he is eating them secretly.
He seems to collect sweets and treats from all sources. For example, if he is at a party he will try to fill his pockets and we almost have to search him to make sure he is not hoarding.
My wife thinks he tends to do it more as a comfort when he is distressed. I worry that he might be addicted. I find the secrecy hard to bear.
When we talk to him about it, he is very embarrassed and often denies he is doing anything unless we catch him red-handed (like his night-time feast last week). Then he denies it is a big deal and promises not to do it again.
Should we just ignore it and hope he grows out of it or do we need to address it in another way?
A Lots of children and adults develop compulsive eating habits which are often kept secret or done in private. In modern times, with the widespread problems of obesity and unhealthy lifestyles, compulsive eating habits are extremely common.
The classic cycle is for the person to experience a trigger to eat something, such as feeling low or anxious or even bored, and then to eat compulsively, often high-sugar fatty foods, as a means of gaining comfort or as a “pick me up”.
Frequently, the eating is done in secret because the person feels embarrassed and knows it is unacceptable. Sometimes they feel guilty or ashamed about their behaviour. Often they want to stop the behaviour but still feel compelled to do it once triggered as it is a very strong habit and, in serious cases, the behaviour is very much like an addiction.
In formal terms there is a diagnosis of “binge eating disorder” that is often used to categorise this behaviour when it has become a serious problem.
Reading your question, it sounds like your son has some aspects of this behaviour, though it is probably unhelpful to use a formal diagnosis as this might turn it into a more serious problem than it actually is.
In the first instance, I would suggest simply considering the problem as an unhelpful habit around food that your son has developed. This is very common. You are going to help him understand this pattern, to learn how to break it and to discover new options in the face of it.
Help your son open up
Try to get your son to open up and talk about the problem. The key is to be sympathetic and understanding – you want him to realise that he is not alone and that he need not hide anything from you.
You want to break through the shame he might feel and for him not to be defensive when talking about it.
For example, you might acknowledge that lots of children and adults get into unhelpful habits about eating and then gently ask, “Was that what happened when you went down to eat food the other night?”
Your goal is to help him share his thoughts and feelings and what was going through his mind.
Break the habit
Once he is talking about the problem, you can brainstorm different strategies for breaking the habit. Help him notice the triggers for compulsive eating and then to explore other choices he might have at that moment.
For example, he might simply acknowledge the underlying feelings without acting on them or talk about them and share how he is feeling.
Or he might choose to do something instead of eating, such as have a glass of water or do some play or relaxation to distract himself.
Also, it is important to help your son address any underlying stresses he might have and to help him develop new positive interests and habits in his life, whether these are sports or hobbies or new social outlets.
Positive eating
From your question it sounds like you already have a positive eating routine in the home and it is important to continue this. It is not a question of having no treats, but keeping these limited to certain times and keeping them small.
Try to agree and talk through these rules with your son and your other children. There are good guidelines for healthy family eating routines on safefood.eu.
If your son is having difficulty changing his habit, it might be useful to make treats less accessible in the house for a period as he learns new more positive habits.
Don’t expect perfection
Changing habits takes time and it is important not to expect perfection. If you catch your son secret eating again, try not to over react by being annoyed or disappointed.
Instead, it is important to be matter of fact as you gently acknowledge or interrupt the behaviour.
For example, if you catch him eating at night, just suggest he goes back to bed and then agree to chat with him about it the next day.
The goal is to encourage him to take responsibilty to change his own behaviour.
Dr John Sharry is a family psychotherapist and co-developer of the Parents Plus Programmes. He will be delivering courses on Positive Parenting for teens in Cork on Saturday, March 12th, and Helping Your Teenagers Overcome Anxiety in Dublin on Monday March 11th. See solutiontalk.ie