ASK THE EXPERT: Q:I have an eight-year-old child and she seems to be growing up so fast. I try not to over protect her and swathe her in cotton wool, but I feel she is learning so much from the older children in her school and from what she sees on the television. I didn't think that I would have to approach the subject of the "birds and the bees" just yet, but I can see that nowadays, children are exposed to these topics at a much younger age.
I know there is a curriculum in the schools about puberty and sex, but my question is, how can I gently introduce these items for discussion when she is still so young and quite naive? I know she is noticing things more and more and I want to be the one to introduce these items for discussion, not the teacher. We are quite an open family and discuss many things, but this is one area that I feel we may have neglected.
Are there any items of support that could be recommended – websites, books, teaching aids – that I could go through with her?
A
This is an area where many otherwise capable parents have difficulties.
Some find it hard to overcome their own awkwardness, while others feel that by not discussing the topic they are preserving their child’s innocence. Many just don’t know where to start, or are afraid of traumatising their child by getting it wrong.
As a parent, you want your child to have the correct information about sex and reproduction, to be able to keep themselves sexually safe, to understand the inevitable changes that will take place during puberty, and to know that they can come to you for advice and guidance, not just on this subject alone.
There is a lot of conflicting advice about what to do, but how you approach the subject will depend on a range of factors including your child’s developmental stage, their knowledge on the subject, and the normal way you communicate with each other as a family. The only piece of categorical advice I would give is not to actively ignore or shut down any discussion about sex, as this will make your child think that it is “taboo” or “dirty”, and they may end up with a mish-mash of confusing information from the playground, TV, books and the internet. Knowing about sex is not going to destroy their innocence or end their childhood, unless you make them feel that it has.
A good approach is to see your communications with your child about sex as part of an ongoing two-way conversation on the subject rather than leaving it to a single all-or-nothing “Talk” where one mortified parent sits on the bed beside their equally mortified teen and tries to cover the basics (which their child probably already knows, and more) in record time.
Your child’s concept of sex, their need for information, and their ability to comprehend more complex ideas will change with age, so it’s important to leave the lines of communication open, and adapt the information you’re giving to their stage of development. An eight year old might just need to know the basic “plumbing” of sex, whereas a 15 year old will probably need, and be able to process, more complex information about sexual emotions, relationships, sexual health and risky behaviour.
There is no right age to start talking about sex, and there will be different levels of experience and understanding between children of the same age.
Some parents have managed to weave the subject in from the very start – raising and updating information naturally at any opportunity in relation to animal and human pregnancies, births and feeding, so there is never any need for “The Talk”.
You, as their parent, will be best placed to know their level of understanding and how to best communicate the information to them. If you’re not sure how much they already know, ask them. If they’re the ones who have asked “where babies come from”, first find out what they already know, and in what context they are asking, so that you don’t go overboard.
A friend went into a long, detailed and unnecessary description in response to her seven year old’s questioning, when telling him “from my tummy” would have been enough. He just wanted to know if was true – as his first class friend had told him – that storks left babies on your doorstep.
If you get caught on the hop and are stuck for an answer, just say “that’s a good question, I’ll talk to you about it later”. Look it up and then later give them an informed answer, just as you would do if your child asked you something about how the heart or kidneys work.
But make sure you do come back to them. If you feel you’ve made a mess of things, you can repair it later. There will always be uncomfortable moments on both sides, but showing your child that you’re open and willing to discuss the subject will help maintain the lines of communication.
Books are a great way of giving your child accurate information suited to their stage of development. If you read the book with your child – just as you would any other book – it gives them the opportunity to ask questions and for you to explain. Some parents prefer not to force the subject, and leave the book lying around and wait for the child to pick it up in their own time.
I would recommend the following, but have a browse first to see what suits you and your child.
* Where did I come from? Peter Mayle (Macmillan £6.99), (6 up), an international bestseller.
* Busy Bodies, an excellent booklet available online or delivered free from the HSE ( healthpromotion.ie), (10-12).
* What’s happening to me? Susan Meredith (Usborne £6.99), bestseller with separate boy and girl versions (8-12).
* Let’s talk about where babies come from, Robbie Harris (Walker £9.99), (7 up). Part of a whole Let’s talk about . . . series.
Dr SARAH O'DOHERTYis a clinical neuropsychologist.
Dr JOHN SHARRYis on leave.
Queries can be sent to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com