‘I had a break-up during the pandemic and don’t know how to process it’

Dear Roe,

About a month ago, I decided to walk away from my relationship with my boyfriend. He had been getting me through the pandemic so it was a big decision for my own mental health, but it was for the best. However, I loved him and my heart is still broken. I never got closure the way it ended and I think Covid-19 was one of the causes of the breakdown of the relationship. Breakups are bad enough, but now add in coronavirus and it feels very hard. I have just about been able to meet up with a friend or two for a walk, but I feel like I don’t want to burden people with my extra grief. Some friends have shut off and my mother acts like I talk about it too much, but I have no other outlets and being on my own at the moment is awful. I want to move on but I can’t even imagine my future at the moment. Coronavirus feels never-ending.

Covid-19 break-ups are uniquely difficult. If the pandemic contributes to your break-up, it removes a feeling of control over your life and relationships. They can be harder to process as the reasons often aren’t extreme or clear-cut. Not being able to date in person can feel like you’re stuck in your grief. And feeling isolated from your friends and family and feeling unable to complain is another common and difficult experience.

These feelings heighten the ways many of us feel isolated, powerless and stagnant right now. So when you write “I can’t even imagine my future at the moment. Coronavirus feels never-ending,” I really feel your grief and hopelessness. Your break-up is a loss on top of so many other losses this year, and it’s important to acknowledge all of these.

Anna Nolan: If I don’t complete my Sudoku, it’s a Ted Hastings reaction all the way. ‘Mother of God’

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‘We’re looking for Fionnuala O’Carroll-Kelly. She absconded from quarantine this morning’

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I hope that the easing of restrictions will help, but it’s important to care for yourself now. Consider getting a therapist so you have a space to talk about your feelings and feel supported. With friends and family, remember that other people’s discomfort with your emotions is not indicative of their validity, and the pandemic doesn’t erase your right to have feelings about your break-up. With people who aren’t comfortable with vulnerability, sometimes it helps to say exactly what you need, like - “I need to talk about this for 15 minutes, I need you to listen/give me a pep talk/just agree that this is hard – and then we’ll talk about something else.” Or just mentally note who you can confide in, and ask other people for distractions.

One challenge with Covid-19 break-ups is the lack of narrative and rituals around them - we don’t get to hang out with friends, or go off on distracting adventures, or even get the dodgy post-breakup haircut. It sounds frivolous, but these rituals play an important role in helping us acknowledge change and loss, and give shape to our emotional process, allowing us to move through it.

You write that you didn't get closure, but as I've written before, closure is a gift you have to give yourself, not something you receive from another person. Creating some rituals to help you do so could be really helpful. You could try journaling your feelings, writing down everything you're looking forward to in the future, trying a new hobby, or meditating. You could even write yourself a mantra, like "I respect what I need now, and look forward to the future."

This time of change and loss is important and deserves to be acknowledged. But this time will pass, too, I promise. Seek out ways to remind yourself of both truths.