Dear Roe,
I am a 36-year-old single man. I have only been in one brief relationship in my life. I have always wanted to find someone but never felt good enough for the women I fancied. I have a fear of rejection, so even though I have had mad crushes on women down through the years, I never told them because I knew I would be turned down.
The one relationship I had ended after a couple of months. I really liked this woman. She was smart and funny, and just had a really nice way about her. But I couldn’t talk to her. I was so afraid, and locked up in myself, I could hardly speak. Even simple questions, I was making massive work out of. My personality was not showing in this state because I couldn’t speak freely.
I regularly feel suicidal because being alone for the rest of my life seems likely now. The last few years I have tried to not allow myself to hope that I will find someone, because hope can lead to much pain. I have tried instead to accept that I will remain single, but there is no escaping or forgetting about women. What advice can you offer?
My advice begins with a suggestion that I believe that most people in the world would benefit from at some stage of their lives: you need to go to therapy. Not because there's anything wrong with you as a person, and not because having limited experiences with love or sex is inherently a problem or even a situation unique to you - indeed, it's very common.
You should go to therapy because you believe there's something wrong with you. You believe you're not worthy of love and acceptance. And that incorrect, painful, numbing, alienating belief is preventing you from being happy. It's preventing you from recognising your own worth as a human being, from expressing the best version of yourself, and from visualising and pursuing the life you want.
Going to therapy can be hard, particularly at first. It’s difficult to admit you need help and support. It’s painful to speak openly about how lost you feel. It’s terrifying to ask someone to help you change your mindset and your life – because change itself is terrifying. Daring to imagine your life differently, moving beyond your comfort zone, trying something new, is all terrifying. It requires openness, vulnerability, compassion.
And for you – a person who is so scared of rejection that you don’t even try to pursue women you like; a person who is so scared of being judged that you don’t express yourself openly to the people you love; a person who would rather contemplate no life at all rather than a life that doesn’t meet other people’s arbitrary standards – openness, vulnerability and compassion are not easy.
Openness, vulnerability and compassion are the keys to everything you’re looking for. They are at the core of all love, and any authentic life. With so much on the line, it’s worth asking someone to help you find them. It’s worth trying.
Focus on building your sense of self-worth, a reason for believing in your life, an ability to accept yourself
Because not trying? It’s not working for you. You’re currently scared that expressing your desires, your feelings, your very self may result in rejection, and that rejection will cause you pain. But this is a false choice. Because you’re not expressing yourself now, and you still don’t have what you want, and you’re still in pain. So expressing yourself can literally only improve your situation.
Even if you don’t immediately find everything you want the first time you express yourself openly, your life will already have improved. Because you will have taken a step towards a relationship with people and the world that is based on honesty, authenticity, and hope.
Leave romantic love aside for now. Sit down and think about what you want from life more generally. Dream big. Create the ideal vision of what you want your life to be. Ask yourself how you would live if you weren’t afraid. Think of everything that makes you happy, everything you want to try, every value you want your life to embody.
Think of what you want from all your relationships – with friends, with family, with yourself. My guess is that there will be overlap from what you want from life with what you want from romantic love: you want to feel comfortable and expressive and vulnerable and honest and flawed in the ways we all are, and not be judged for any of those things. You want the space currently occupied by fear and self-doubt to be freed up for fun, and fulfilment, and connection, and meaning.
Pursuing your ideal life involves vulnerability, as setbacks and rejections will inevitably happen and you will survive them – which will make you less afraid of rejection in love
So for now, focus on that. Prioritise pursuing your ideal life over pursuing your ideal romance. Make that your goal. Focus on building your sense of self-worth, a reason for believing in your life, an ability to accept yourself. Find a therapist who understands the stakes and is invested in helping you do this. Because doing so will not only help you build a solid foundation so that you’re not dependent on romantic love – but it will also prepare you for it.
Pursuing your ideal life involves vulnerability, as setbacks and rejections will inevitably happen and you will survive them – which will make you less afraid of rejection in love. It involves remaining open to the world’s possibilities – which will make you recognise the potential for love and connection and honesty, in all its forms, and embrace it. And it involves showing compassion for yourself, and believing that you deserve happiness, just as you are – which will allow you to accept love when it comes, just as you are, and offer it in return.
You’ve already taken the first step. You’ve been vulnerable with me, by sharing your pain. You’ve been open to hearing that there might be another way of thinking about your life. You’ve shown yourself enough compassion to believe that your gloriously fragile, longing, romantic, hopeful self is worthy of being heard and understood and helped. Because of course you are.
You’ve taken the first step towards the life you want. And look – you’ve survived. Keep going.
[ Roe McDermottOpens in new window ]
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
