MY HEALTH EXPERIENCE:Coping with the loss of a second baby through miscarriage
AS I frantically searched the ultrasound screen for any signs of life, the only thought going through my mind was, “This cannot be happening to us again.”
At almost eight weeks pregnant, with a history of ovarian cysts and a previous miscarriage, I was booked for an early scan. This was my fifth pregnancy – we have three wonderful children and lost one baby to miscarriage.
We were happy with our lot and thought we were finished having babies, so this pregnancy, surprise that it initially was, had us excited at the prospect of becoming parents again. We never thought for a second we would lose this baby. We had already been through a miscarriage and assumed we had been dealt our share of pain.
Our first miscarriage was painful, traumatic and an experience we never expected to repeat. So when the nurse could not find a heartbeat, I lay there stunned and panicking at the prospect of losing another baby. She went to get someone senior to look at our scan and, as she did, I felt my panic levels raise significantly. It was not a good sign that she needed a second opinion.
A doctor came in, checked the scan, could not find a heartbeat and said that either the baby was not developing properly or that perhaps we had our dates wrong. She suggested we wait 10-14 days before having a repeat scan, to check if the pregnancy was viable. She told us not to worry, but we knew that would be almost impossible.
We went home in a daze. We had never expected the possibility of a second miscarriage – I had even started to wear loose clothing as my belly had been growing. It seemed unreal and was very hard to take in.
Fourteen days passed slowly and finally, it was time for our repeat scan. As we nervously made our way to the hospital the story of the scan misdiagnosis scandal broke on the radio. This was unbelievable timing, we were on our way to check the viability of our pregnancy and there was a possibility the hospital could have gotten it wrong, like they had with some other mothers. We had hope. Although it was distressing to hear this on the radio, it gave us a lifeline of sorts – maybe the machinery had been inaccurate and our baby was going to be okay.
Sadly, the scan showed no signs of life and while I cried, my husband asked about the machinery. He is not usually one to question in such circumstances, but the news reports made it sound like mistakes were common practice and we wondered if they were getting it wrong with us too.
They assured us, after a thorough and uncomfortable internal scan, that there was definitely no heartbeat and at almost 10 weeks pregnant, there should have been strong signs of life. I knew in my heart it was hopeless.
To be extra sure, they took blood tests and said they would repeat them after 48 hours, to ensure the pregnancy was definitely not progressing. We went home shocked and shattered, with another 48 hours in limbo until the repeat blood tests. All the while there was nothing we could do but wait for the inevitable miscarriage that was coming our way.
I could not eat or sleep, I was depressed and distracted. My children were confused about my demeanour and as much I tried to carry on as “normal”, I could not muster the strength. Friends and work colleagues were phoning and e-mailing to see where I was. I could not face them. We had not told many people about my pregnancy and I just wanted to stay under the radar and try to get through the miscarriage before I had to talk about it.
I had some light bleeding after that second scan, and 48 hours later, I was back at the hospital for repeat blood tests. As the nurse took the blood, my vein collapsed and I almost collapsed with it. She ushered me up to the gynaecology ward and there, the sister on duty took me under her wing. She had me lying down and fluids going into me within five minutes. There was a doctor at my side very quickly, checking to see if my miscarriage had started by doing an internal exam. Despite my despair, I felt very well looked after. We will never forget how kind they were to my husband and I – it made such a huge difference to us, when we were at such a low point.
The examination showed the neck of the womb was still fully closed. I was in pain and bleeding but not dilating, so the miscarriage was possibly a long way off. I was falling to pieces – exhausted, emotional and in pain – so I asked if I could be scheduled for a DC. It had been two and a half weeks since this nightmare had begun and I was at the end of my tether.
After two scans, which showed no signs of life, two sets of blood tests, which showed a significant drop in HCG levels, and as I was bleeding but not dilating, they agreed to a DC.
They booked the procedure for the following day and admitted me there and then because I was weak, dehydrated and in pain. The care I received was excellent and I find it strange admitting that, as I am not usually one to praise our hospitals.
In fact, with my first miscarriage, I received poor care in another hospital. That included experiencing a lack of empathy, being left alone in labour while I miscarried and my husband being left in the corridor not knowing what was happening.
While I never wished to go through a second miscarriage, I must praise the staff at Our Lady of Lourdes hospital in Drogheda, particularly in the gynaecology ward. The care, support and empathy they showed both my husband and I really helped us get through a terrible time and, somehow, is making the recovery process a little easier this time around.
After our first miscarriage, we planted a tree in our back garden which has flourished and grown beautifully and when we look at it, we remember the first little baby we lost. So now, it seems it’s time for us to plant a second tree, in honour of our second baby, who we will never get to meet but who has impacted our lives in a special way and will always be remembered.
If you have suffered a miscarriage and would like to talk about it, contact the Miscarriage Association of Ireland 01-8735702, miscarriage.ie. Mums town.ie also has a pregnancy loss discussion section on its website.
We Lost Our Babyby Siobhán O'Neill-White and David White, is published by the Liffey Press, €10.95
