Dear Roe,
My partner and I have been together for almost three years. In the next few months we will have the opportunity to move in together, but I fear that it could all end in tears. They still live with their parents, while I have been looking after myself for over seven years. I am quite particular and very independent. They often tell me off for being patronising when it comes to things like cooking and cleaning. Is it a good idea to move in together now, or am I mad? Would I be better to let them fly the nest, and share with friends for a while, where they learn to take care of themselves, before we live together? We are in our late 20s, and I would prefer to find out sooner rather than later if we are actually compatible and capable of sharing a home, and ultimately a life, together.
Admittedly I don’t know how you’ve been communicating with your partner about your preferred standards of cleanliness, but allow me to reassure you that firstly, as someone who is also quite particular about her space, my bias here is entirely in your favour; and secondly, I bet he isn’t complaining about your attentiveness to a clean, germ-free and pleasing living space this week.
Moving in together is a big step, and you have every reason to have some concerns and want reassurance. There’s a reason that moving out of the family home has traditionally been a huge milestone for most people. It’s not only that young adults get to experience the range of responsibilities and realities of living independently, as chores and bills and the invisible labour many parents (especially women) perform around the household suddenly become their responsibility.
It’s also that being away from the family dynamic and having more independence allows young adults to embrace who they are as individuals, instead of slotting into a pre-ordained role within a group dynamic – it’s why it feels so strange when independent adults all come back to the family home for Christmas or a family gathering, as they find their independent identities being erased as everyone is pushed back into their traditional roles; the youngest gets spoiled again, parents are now nagging thirtysomethings about wearing coats and eating well, and everyone regresses just a little.
However, in the current housing crisis and impossible rental market, more and more adults are living at home longer, and many families are learning how to navigate new boundaries, learning how to respect each other as adults. Communication and open conversations around expectations regarding responsibilities, expectations, chores, bills, shared spaces and privacy all help to make living together feel like a shared experience, not a burden or unequal, unsatisfying dynamic that simply must be endured.
What is interesting about your dynamic with your partner is that you are somewhat repeating the dynamic he appears to have with his parents
You don’t mention your own gender, but it’s also worth noting that recent studies have shown that in heterosexual couples, even when both people are in full-time employment, women still end up doing the majority of the household chores, spending from 20 hours a week onwards managing the household, so these conversations should be had between men and women quite frequently, too.
What is interesting about your dynamic with your partner is that you are somewhat repeating the dynamic he appears to have with his parents. He has accused you of being patronising, while you think he lacks independence and has been somewhat infantilised by those around him – and yet you are slightly patronising him and infantilising him by assuming you are the only person equipped to make this decision about your joint future, and that you know what’s best. Your phrasing of “letting” him fly the nest and your desire to know if you are compatible about living together without openly discussing these issues with him implies that you’re not only trying to avoid any direct conversation about responsibilities, but you are assuming the sole responsibility of gauging whether you are capable of living together.
Because his parents have treated him like a child who cannot cope with responsibilities, you are assuming that he will continue to act like a child who cannot cope with responsibilities should you live together, and so in order to deal with this situation you are treating him like a child and assuming he cannot cope with even a conversation about responsibilities.
Maybe simply by having this conversation, your partner will surprise you by being incredibly enthusiastic and even empowered by the idea of living with you
It’s time to have a very clear, direct conversation with your partner about your shared thoughts and concerns about living together. Tell him everything you’ve expressed here – that you are independent and particular, and this has caused issues in the past so you want to talk about expectations around how your living space will be kept, how you will divide up chores, cooking, rent and other bills and general responsibilities. Ask him how he feels about moving straight from his parents’ house into living with you, and whether he feels he would benefit from living somewhere else for a while. Would he feel like he had some more independence and wasn’t simply slotting into someone else’s space if he lived elsewhere for six months or so? Would it reassure you to see how he lives in a different space; would it highlight for him what needs to be taken care of around a house or apartment? Would it allow both of you to come back and move in together feeling more like equals?
Even psychologically, having him live somewhere else might undo some of the dynamic that you seem to have embraced in your mind, that you are the responsible one and so always need to tackle big decisions for both of you, while he’s the irresponsible child who needs minding. Having him live independently might allow both of you to view each other and your relationship in a different light, and eventually move in together on a more equal footing.
Or maybe simply by having this conversation and addressing these questions and concerns, your partner will surprise you by being incredibly enthusiastic and even empowered by the idea of living with you, of stepping up, of entering a new phase where he’s no longer infantilised by the people around him, and is finally treated like an adult and an equal.
You won’t know until you speak to him. Like a partner, not a child. Hopefully he proves himself worthy of the upgrade.
