The tinsel-laden festivities of Christmas are barely over when the – for some – grossly overemphasised love-gala that is St Valentine's Day is upon us: perhaps appropriately, heralding the arrival of spring and a sense of renewal. Yet by the time the menopause and menoporsche have arrived to haunt a household, having raised children, pursued a career and coped with the hustle and bustle of life, many will feel depleted of energy when it comes to celebrating love within themselves, never mind with a partner. How can we inscribe carp diem in our psyches to reclaim mid-February to include the so-called bus-pass generation and warm our hearts in the process?
Resisting the roses-and-chocolate script and all the associated commercial trappings may seem tempting, but by doing so are we in danger of giving up on life by allowing the young to have a monopoly over what is, after all, an ancient spiritual and religious feast day? The following strategies may be helpful when it comes to customising St Valentine’s Day for the veterans – and even casualties – of love.
The old saying in psychotherapy, “Whatever is in the way, is the way,” is particularly apt when it comes to the ambivalence many feel about February 14th. In other words, instead of avoiding something that bothers or irritates us, we might be better off facing it. Arguably, practising self-exclusion from any area of life, particularly celebrations, could be dangerous for older people who can find special occasions increasingly dominated by funerals or other times we have to say goodbye.
Having decided to participate in celebrating love and its rituals, we should realise that, as in other areas of life, there is a choice either to get trapped within a flurry of activity or to set up new St Valentine’s Day traditions that suit our own circumstances.
Make it your own
Tailormaking St Valentine’s Day may be an opportunity to be creative, mischievous and, above all, funny. We can even borrow from other festivals such as Christmas and opt for new activities, crafts, cards and games rather than the expensive, overpriced meal for two or other commercial trappings of romance.
St Valentine’s Day may be about undertaking experiences that we love, or accomplishing a goal and, especially, showing love to those less fortunate than ourselves. Visiting a friend in hospital or a nursing home to acknowledge the love they have known in their lives, but which is now in short supply, may set the appropriate tone if we wish to broaden the way St Valentine’s Day is celebrated.
Ideas to make the most of the festival of love include having a stay-at-home party with family or friends to remind you of all the forms of love you currently share or have previously enjoyed. Sharing the event with other couples who contribute romantic food and disclose first-date stories can bring to mind special moments as well as celebrating the love, faith and patience that help relationships endure.
Valentine gifts needn’t break the bank and a small gesture can make a big impact. A love scrapbook, a note or letter, or box of love mementos will win many plaudits, as will heart-shaped foods or outrageous desserts conveying intimate and personal feelings of love in the process.
For those investing in memorable experiences, a trip to the theatre, spa or cinema can hit the spot. St Valentine’s Day may also be an ideal time for a short or longer romantic getaway for those afflicted by post-Christmas blues or solar deprivation.
Paying homage
In Ireland we are more fortunate than most to be able to pay homage to the relics of St Valentine himself, which have resided in Whitefriar Street Church on Aungier Street, Dublin, since 1836. Every February 14th, couples attend a ceremony involving a blessing of rings that allows for expression of gratitude and hope for past, present and future love.
For people marking St Valentine’s Day on their own, it is important to realise that there are lots of ways to give and feel love that have nothing to do with coupledom. The day is fundamentally about all the forms of love that exist within humanity so, on reflection, it’s hard to feel bad about going solo when one can do so many things, either alone or with others, that induce happy feelings and remind us that, irrespective of our circumstances, we can continue to love life itself.
Perhaps the most wonderful thing about love is that you can shine it at anyone or anything, including yourself as your own Valentine. The ultimate challenge, though, may be the realisation that behind fear, awkwardness or seemingly unkind acts of others is often a call for love to which we can respond with kindness and wisdom of the heart.
The author Franz Kafka wrote: “Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old” and if love is the purest, most beautiful human emotion and the counsel of years helps reveal it in more ways, then celebrate St Valentine’s Day we should.
Dr Declan Lyons is a consultant psychiatrist at St Patrick’s Mental Health Services, James’s Street, Dublin 8
