I was elected mayor of Todmorden in May. It was all a bit of a surprise as I had not even anticipated winning a council seat. Tony and I are having a great time meeting lots of interesting people. He is, of course, my consort; or, as his daughter Cherie and I like to call him, the Lady Mayoress. He wears a chain of office for his consort duties and happily dons a suit and tie for smart events. Something he has fought against his entire life.
It is quite extraordinary how much Tony’s new role has helped him. Despite his increasing frailty, both mentally and physically, it is as though he is walking out on to a stage each time we carry out a mayoral gig. He was born to perform and even his dementia cannot take that away.
Some people were surprised by my decision to have him as my consort, but there was no doubt it would be my husband. I want to normalise dementia and yes, it can be fraught and problematic and I am no saint, but I believe people with dementia are still part of the human race.
Wild at heart
It is Tony’s loss of social inhibition rather than the repetitive telling of stories and confusion that can prove most unnerving. Not that he ever had much in the first place. I have often wondered if his behaviour as an adult is simply a reaction to the constraints of a Christian Brothers education. The wilder the better.
When he is chatting to other people I worry about the appropriateness of some of his stories if I am not at hand to supervise. Obviously, this can be stressful for me, but so far people are pleased to meet him. It is widely known he has Alzheimer’s disease and I think most people are happy to cut him a little slack. As far as I know he has not managed to insult too many people yet.
Tony finds evening events the most tiring. We were recently invited to the Todmorden Rotary Club Charter Dinner. Things went smoothly until Tony became bored and irritated with the lengthy speeches. Food had been eaten, wine imbibed and the room was warm. We were seated at the top table and I was concerned Tony might become sleepy. It was worse.
Bad timing
He started a campaign of persistent elbow-nudging me because he wanted to go home. When that tactic failed he decided on more drastic action. He put his left wrist in front of me on the table and started tapping his watch. I gave him the look. The wifely, stop that before I have to kill you, look. Sensibly, he retreated.
Looking across the room I noticed two older men had actually nodded off, but no one else could see them. At least their behaviour was more discreet.
I do have concerns my decision to have Tony as my consort will prove too much for him. I also know he would be angry and disappointed if someone else performed that role.
When he is tired from an event I fret I have made the wrong choice, but what to do? Do I leave him snoozing for most of the day in the armchair, physically stress free, but understimulated mentally; or do I get him out and about meeting people, doing things, while knowing ultimately this puts more strain on his already frail heart?
The first option would perhaps keep him with me for longer, the second brings him pleasure and quality of life. I can lie awake at night wondering if I am making the right choices.
It is not just Tony who has to live with the consequences of those choices, but myself. I think about the Robert Frost poem. The one about the fork in the road and choosing the path less trodden. Is that courage or foolhardiness? I cannot know. What I do know is it can be really tough trying to be a grown-up.
That said, our mayoral responsibilities have given Tony a reason to get out of bed in the morning – apart from me insisting he does. He is trying harder to talk to me and initiate conversation.
Tony has always been a great raconteur, but conversation requires the ability to interact, listen and understand; things he had started to find difficult, but is now getting much more practice at.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost
Steph Booth lives in the north of England with her husband, the actor Tony Booth.
