Dear Roe,
I’m a straight woman, and my boyfriend is very well endowed, but it’s causing us problems during sex. When he thrusts too hard it causes me pain, sometimes even cramping the day after. I think he’s hitting my cervix during sex. Is that possible? Are there ways to stop sex from being painful? I haven’t experienced this with anyone else I’ve had sex with.
And with that, men across the country finally breathe a sigh of relief, realising that size really isn’t everything.
I’m sorry you’ve been having pain during and after sex. This is not something you have to endure, and I hope you and your boyfriend are communicating about this and that he’s being sympathetic and considerate of your needs. But there are several things you can try to make sex more comfortable and pleasurable for you.
From the sounds of it, your boyfriend may indeed be hitting your cervix during penetrative sex, which can cause pain and cramping. A quick anatomy lesson: the cervix is the lower, narrow portion of the uterus, and the opening between the uterus and vaginal canal. If you’re not on hormonal birth control, your uterus can move depending on the stages of your menstrual cycles, moving up higher in the vaginal canal during ovulation, and moving lower and becoming slightly harder closer to your period. Arousal can also affect your cervix; it will remain lower if you’re not particularly aroused.
This is all important to know, because the lower and harder your cervix is, the easier it is to bang and bruise during penetrative sex. Having a partner who’s larger than average, having vigorous sex, or having vigorous penetrative sex when you’re not aroused can all lead to the cervix getting bumped or bruised, which can cause discomfort.
Be sure that you're not rushing foreplay with your boyfriend and give yourself time to become fully aroused before having penetrative sex
First of all, make sure that you and your partner are aware of this issue and are communicating about it, so you can both be mindful of when and how you’re having sex, and that you feel comfortable telling your boyfriend if you need a break, or need him to be gentler, and how you’re feeling generally. No one should ever be experiencing pain during sex because they don’t feel comfortable speaking about it with their partner.
Secondly, be sure that you’re not rushing foreplay with your boyfriend and give yourself time to become fully aroused before having penetrative sex. Start off gently and slowly before building up to any more vigorous action, so that you can both pay attention to what feels good, and when any discomfort may occur.
If it’s an option, it might also be worth tracking your menstrual cycle, so that you know when your cervix is at its highest, softest point (usually 12 to 14 days after the start of your period), and save your more vigorous sex for that time.
But also play around with positions that allow you to control the motion, and/or limit how deep the penetration is. Positions where you are on top will help you control the motion, speed and depth, and being able to place some of your weight on your knees or a piece of furniture for support will also help. So positions where you are on top but are able to hold on to a headboard, the back of a couch etc will help you support yourself even more. Putting cushions under your knees while straddling your partner will also help to elevate you, preventing penetration that is too deep.
Consider this is an opportunity to explore a lot of different positions and techniques that you may not have tried before
The “reverse cowgirl” position, where you’re on top but facing away from him, will allow you to put some weight on his legs, and the angle can be slightly tricky for deep penetration, allowing you more control. Spooning sex, where you’re both lying on your sides, can also be a good position as penetration will be at an angle, rather than directly towards your cervix. Positions that allow you to keep your thighs close together during sex will also prevent deep penetration and give you some more control.
Consider this is an opportunity to explore a lot of different positions and techniques that you may not have tried before. Who said research can’t be fun?
Another option is to look into sex toys and aids. Sex Siopa stocks Ohnut, which are stackable silicone rings that can be worn at the base of a penis, providing a bumper of sorts so that the depth of penetration can be controlled without much effort. These are also recommended for people who suffer from painful sex because of endometriosis, vaginismus and a number of other conditions.
On that note, it is also important to note that certain infections, such as cervicitis, gonorrhoea and chlamydia, can also lead to inflammations of the cervix, so you should check with a doctor and be screened for STIs just to be safe, and see a doctor if the pain gets worse, or if you start experiencing bleeding.
Good luck!
