Dear Roe,
I'm 27 years of age. I was seeing this guy for about two weeks about three months ago. He told my sister he wanted to marry me – he was so obsessive in the beginning. He wanted to see me all the time and he was counting the days until the next time we were meeting again. We had sex just a few days after knowing each other. I gave him a chance but after those two weeks, we had a minor misunderstanding which led us to "breaking up", but we were still acting like we were together.
I cook for him, we have amazing sex together and we share deep conversations. He tells me how much he cares for me, but then says he just wants to be friends – but his actions say something different. We were still having sex after he said "let's be friends" but he was also telling me that he wanted to be with me, because I'm a good woman, but that he was confused.
He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone because of the trauma from his past relationship, but I later found out that he wants to be in a relationship, just with someone other than me.
I'm hurting so much. I have fallen in love with him and he knows that. So I don't understand how a woman who has her life in check, knows her ways in the kitchen and who he has an amazing sex life with isn't enough? Why doesn't he want to be with me? I keep thinking what's wrong with me? I don't know what I did wrong. I'm searching for answers. I want to move on so badly but I'm so in love with him.
You wrote into an advice columnist but, for a moment, we’re going to transcend that boundary. Pretend I am your best friend, so I am going to be fiercely protective of you, I am going to give you the most loving advice that I can – and you can trust that I’m looking out for you. I’m going to also be a little bit blunt, because you can trust my intentions and because I know that you’re strong enough to hear it.
Lace up your shoes, shove some band-aids for your heart in your handbag and run from this guy as fast as you possibly can. Take some deep breaths and get ready for some hard conversations with yourself – and then get ready for the rest of your glorious, more empowered life.
This man is being manipulative and will never give you what you want – and for some reason, his unavailability, his refusal to meet you emotionally, his refusal to commit to you is what drew you to him.
You became determined to try to prove to him that you deserved his love by shrinking yourself down, by refusing to have any needs, by going along with his excuses about not wanting commitment and not wanting relationships and trying to lure him over to the side of love by giving him great sex, home-cooked dinners and your constant, undivided attention and devotion.
This guy came towards you waving endless red flags like a matador and you ran towards each and every one of them, presenting home-made appetisers on a tray.
The first flag came when he started talking about marriage within two weeks. That’s not love, that’s known as “future-faking” and “love-bombing”. It’s a tactic of making huge, dramatic declarations of love and commitment and passion early on to make you completely fall head over heels and start envisioning a future together – before, as you experienced, withdrawing immediately, leaving you confused and blaming yourself for ruining your whirlwind romance.
You don’t say what your first “misunderstanding” was, but I would put good money on it being about you setting a very fair boundary and him declaring that you were being high-maintenance or stifling or you not understanding him and ending things – only to continue seeking you out for sex and attention.
Selfish game
He didn’t end things then continue sleeping with you because he was confused – he ended things because he didn’t want the responsibility or commitment of a relationship, but wanted all the benefits. He wanted to keep you on call to fulfil his needs whenever he wanted – and then leave whenever he was done and move on to the next woman. He was playing a game you could never win, because it was designed to reward only him. It was designed to leave you confused and believing that you’re not good enough, when it is him who has been selfish and reckless with your feelings and leading you on.
I need you to read this next sentence and try to understand it down to the very core of your being, and repeat it to yourself whenever you are in doubt: This was never about you and this was never about love. He wasn’t offering you love, because love is about respect and care. Instead he was offering you pain, confusion and empty promises. And you aren’t in love with him, you’re in love with the fantasy version of him that is committed to you and acts consistently and respectfully and doesn’t leave you in a constant, excruciating state of hurt and bewilderment and self-blame.
You spent so much time trying to keep him happy, entertained and interested that I bet you haven’t tapped into how you actually feel in a long time. When you start to process this relationship, remember to think about all the times you felt confused or neglected or anxious or like you were constantly on edge, trying to impress him, trying to make him stay. That’s going to be very important for you moving forward – paying attention to how people actually make you feel, rather than blindly listening to words they don’t live up to or focusing on the fantasy version of them instead of the human being in front of you.
And when people make you feel nervous or anxious or unworthy or like you’re not good enough the way you are – ask yourself why are you staying? Ask yourself what stories you are telling yourself when you stay with people who don’t live up to their promises and make you feel this way? Ask yourself why you don’t believe that you deserve to be in a relationship that feels equal and respectful, trustworthy and consistent, and safe?
Because you do. You really do. You deserve so much more. So forget this guy, and keep in touch with your own feelings. Don’t shrink them down for anyone.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe