ASK THE EXPERT:Mother finds it hard to cope with caring for her new baby and the demands of older son
Q I had a baby a few months ago and I also have another child aged four. I am finding it really difficult to relate to my four year old since the baby was born. He adores his new brother and is at my side all the time, wanting to hold his new brother’s hand, etc.
I am finding this constant close proximity really hard to cope with. Once the baby is in my arms or on my lap, the older child is there, in the baby’s face constantly, and then is also completely stuck to my side. I am becoming more and more irritable and have ended up telling my older child that he’s not allowed play with the baby when the baby is in my lap. How can I deal better with this situation?
A The first thing I would suggest is that you think about yourself and what has been happening for you since becoming pregnant and giving birth. Just like the first time, your second baby’s arrival into the world was a monumental occasion for you and your family. This means that you, and probably your son and husband/partner, have a lot of adjusting to do.
I would imagine that having the new baby has meant that you, quite naturally, have instinctively felt impelled to mind, nurture and protect him. Because of his size, vulnerability and constant need for you, he has drawn you to him, and it is easy for you to focus all of your time and attention on him.
Naturally it can be irritating if the time you feel you need to give the new baby gets interrupted. It isn’t that you have stopped caring about the rest of your family; rather I’d say that you are just prioritising meeting the needs of your infant.
Unfortunately, if that is the case, your older son is probably very aware that you are now focused on the new baby. It can’t be easy for him to understand why this is happening when he feels that he needs you too.
So, although your prioritisation of your new baby might be instinctive and normal, it is hard for your older son.
I think his clingy behaviour is his way of trying to show you that he needs and wants you too. His “constant close proximity” is probably his way of telling you that he is afraid you are going to forget about him entirely. Feeling displaced by a new sibling is a very common experience for older siblings.
Do remember that the adjustment to becoming an older brother has meant the loss of his exclusive relationship with you. He now has to share you with his new brother and I would guess that he doesn’t much like doing that.
In fairness to him, he is being very gentle in his manner of showing you that he would like more time and attention. Rather than trying to rob your time and attention from his brother, he is just trying to share a part of that time and attention by sticking to you and his brother like glue. That way he ensures that if his brother gets your time, then he will get it too.
Unfortunately for him, his attempts to share you with his brother are backfiring a little bit because it seems you are getting frustrated with the lack of space, both for yourself and for being able to care for the new baby.
To resolve the situation try to place yourself in your four year old’s shoes. Rather than see his proximity as cloying or invasive, see it as an opportunity to remain connected to him.
Every so often when you have the baby in your lap and he is there too, offer to put the baby on the floor and take him, alone, into your lap instead. All he desperately wants is to know that you still care about him as much as you care about the baby.
Empathise with his experience of feeling displaced and, perhaps, pushed to the side. Let him know that it can be hard to share your time with his new brother, but that you appreciate the opportunity when you can look after his brother, because he gives you the space and freedom to do that.
Then when he does give you and the baby some space to be together, make sure to praise him and notice him.
Paradoxically, the more time you give him alone with you, the less he will come to you to look for your time. So, if possible, organise that the boys’ dad takes the baby for periods of time, so that you can reconnect with your four year old and give him the one-to-one time that will reassure him you still love him as much as ever.
If you can make these changes, I think you will find that you will feel much more tolerant, and indeed welcoming, of him when he wants to spend time with you and his brother.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster. Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence
Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com