That’s Men: When being told you look dapper means you crossed a border

When referred to as “dapper” the other day it struck me that I hadn’t been called that ever before and for good reason: I wasn’t old enough. It’s an adjective that is applied only to men – never to women – after a certain age.

It’s meant as a compliment: your suit was obviously dry-cleaned in the recent past, your shirt was ironed, your hair is combed, you shaved yourself within the past 12 hours. (Editor’s note: I have used it as a compliment for men aged 20-90 who are looking smart and smooth. Oops.)

It’s like that other indication that you have crossed a threshold and are drawing every closer to your appointment with the grim reaper. That’s when you meet somebody younger than you and they look at you wide-eyed, with slightly raised eyebrows and declare with a hint of surprise that “you’re looking very well”.

It’s the sort of thing you don’t say to teenagers or to people in middle age. It is reserved for, well, people like me. You are not dead, it means, you are not dribbling, you are not lying on a trolley in a corridor. No indeed, you are looking very well.

On a recent Joe Duffy radio programme, a man talked about a friend who, in a job interview, was knocked quite off balance by being asked: "How would you feel about working with younger people?" They wouldn't have asked that if he was, say, 29.

Passport revoked

He was being told he had crossed into new territory – you can cross these borders without realising it but when you’re there, you’re there. Your passport to where you came from has been revoked behind your back.

This man was also asked how would he feel “about having a manager who was younger than you”. The thing is, anybody who reaches, say, 50 years of age has spent plenty of time working with younger people without giving it a thought.

They have probably had managers younger than him or her, also without giving it a thought. But when you’re old enough for the question to be asked by somebody younger than you, you know you’re in trouble.

The general consensus on the radio programme was that when you hit 50 you are going to find it hard to get another job or maybe even to get an interview. And it’s all down to ageism. Some listeners rang in to say they don’t put their age on CVs. How effective that is I am not sure: if you have to turn up for an interview, presumably looking dapper, your secret will be out.

What this means, by the way, is that if you are in college until your mid-20s, and if you become unemployable at 50, then you will be acceptable to job interviewers for 25 years out of a lifetime that could last 90 years.

If you’re in an industry that thinks you’re over the hill at 40, then you have an effective “employable” span of 15 years. This is a stupid way for human beings to organise themselves. It just isn’t sustainable. And people implementing policies like these need to think about where they themselves are headed. It won’t be all that long before they are being asked the same sort of questions with the same sort of results.

On the dry On another topic, if you've been off the drink since the start of the month as part of Dry January, congratulations. Here's a quote from Jason Vale's book, Kick the Drink Easily, that might be helpful.

“If you were at a children’s birthday party, do you honestly think that they would be happier if they had some alcohol inside them? If you saw a child crying, would you give them a drink to cheer them up? If you saw a child laughing, would you give them a drink so that they could get even happier?”

Remember that, if and when the going gets tough. Oh, and if you don’t mind me mentioning it, being off the drink is working wonders for you. In fact, I have to say, you’re looking very well.

pomorain@yahoo.com; @PadraigOMorain Padraig O'Morain is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His latest book is Mindfulness for Worriers. His daily mindfulness reminder is free by email.