A reader recently mentioned what was one of the most popular columns early on in this series. This was about the four scariest words in the English language.
The words are “We need to talk.”
At the time I said these were the scariest words a woman could say to a man.
In retrospect, I was probably unfair because I suspect women can be scared by these words too – it is just that the men in their lives, and I’m probably being unfair again, are far less likely to say them.
And of course the words are just as scary if they are said by a woman to her female partner and by a man to a male partner.
Feelings
When a man hears these words a range of possible scenarios opens up – she is divorcing me; some awful fault of mine that I haven’t even been aware of all my life is about to be revealed to me; the last thing I did that annoyed her must have annoyed her more than I thought; or she wants me to change my behaviour in some way I won’t like.
The partner who wants to talk thinks that talking about your feelings is really a great idea; isn’t that what relationships are all about? Talking about problems brings us closer doesn’t it? It is better to clear the air isn’t it?
Meanwhile the partner who doesn’t want to talk has retreated into his or her cave and is brooding over the many negative possibilities.
It all gets worse if the talk is postponed. For instance, “We need to talk when I get back from the trip.” In this case, the possibilities for “catastrophising” and “awfulising”, as they are called in the counselling business, are endless.
It’s like being told on Friday that the boss would like to see you first thing Monday morning when you have just done rather badly on a project.
Timing
One of the problems about the whole talking thing is that people who like to talk are often paired with people who do not like to talk.
It is mother nature’s little joke (there are more impressive and complex explanations for the attraction of opposites but that is the one that works for me).
All I can say to the talkers is that it is usually better to bring up the subject when everybody is in a good mood and to do it softly rather than harshly.
Timing is everything, even in the best of relationships. To those who don’t like to talk I would point out that refusing to engage or avoiding the issue completely, whichever it might be, is really bad for relationships.
There is plenty of long-term research which shows that if one partner stonewalls the other, whenever they bring up topics of concern, then the chances of the relationship ending go up.
Shower with praise
So you need to talk even if you don’t want to. That is all easier said than done, of course.
Has anyone in the history of the world ever said “we need to talk” when what they had in mind was showering the other person with praise? Exactly.
Some of us are too good at talking about our feelings and some of us are not good enough. Talking is painful, both for the person who might be listening to a recital of his or her faults and to the other person may feel that they are not really being heard.
Serious talks between couples can feel to one or both as if the ground is shifting beneath their feet. That’s not usually a pleasant sensation.
But in spite of this, talking – the scary version – probably has to happen now and then in any relationship.
It is probably not going to be fun and it might be painful but it has to be done for the future of the relationship.
All the more important, then, that the person who is eager to talk should pick their time and not use a terrifying introduction like “we need to talk”.
Pádraig O'Morain is accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.
His latest book is Mindfulness for Worriers. His daily mindfulness reminder is free by email (pomorain@yahoo.com).