Ho, ho, ho, ’tis the season to be jolly. Isn’t it? But what if you’re just not feeling cheery at the moment? For anyone who is grieving, stressed about work, lonely, or wondering how they will afford the extra food and fripperies, Christmas jollity is hard to take and fake.
Part of the problem is that, along with our presents, we buy into the belief that everyone else is having a wonderful Christmas time. And, to make matters worse, as the end of one year approaches and a new one begins, we review the past and plan the next. In the fairy light of everyone else’s seemingly perfect lives, any shortfall in our own takes on monstrous proportions.
Deep down we know we are not alone in our sadness or stress. In any given festive season, some people are in a good place in their lives and some aren’t. But that doesn’t make the tough times any easier when we’re experiencing them.
It doesn’t seem fair that everyone else is rockin’ around the Christmas tree, when all you can see is the vacant armchair that only last year was filled with the lovely, loving presence, of one who is no longer with us. For anyone whose heart is silently breaking over yet another year without their longed-for baby, watching friends’ children excitedly queue to see Santa, is especially hard.
Seeing all the glittering goodies that everyone else seems to afford, is torture for someone whose last two ESB bills are sitting in the back of a drawer, unpaid. And if you’re single, heading home for the holidays to a family of married siblings, who you know, or suspect, are saying: “What’s wrong with her?” or “She’s too fussy!” is daunting. (I’m using “she” on purpose; they don’t say it about single men.)
The reality is, there is no quick fix. You know that. But you can do a bit of damage limitation. With a bit of self-minding, and being gentle with yourself, you can get through the holiday intact, and emerge ready to take on a new and better year.
Here’s how:
1. Find your inner Katniss
That's Katniss Everdeen (The Hunger Games heroine), or your Xena (Warrior Princess) or your Jack (Bauer), any champion you admire, because you're going into battle. You're going to fight your inner demons, the incessant voices that remind you you're in trouble, that rip out your confidence and hijack your imagination so you think everyone is feeling sorry for you.
Well, no more. Starting now, you’re going to bear your cross and bravely face the world. Ho-ho-ho is for wimps: your battle cry this Christmas is Hoo-ha! You’re not going to sit at home moping, you’re going to grab a friend and head to whatever parties you’re lucky enough to be invited to. For that you need full-on battle dress. Update your look. You may be suffering inside, but you’re off to Peter Mark.
2. Plug yourself in
Those incessant inner voices are highly addictive and hard to switch off. They (you) need to be distracted, especially at night when everything seems 10 times worse. Dust off your old Walkman, or plug yourself into your iPod or phone and chase away the blues with, well, the Blues or whatever music you're into.
Audiobooks are great on a walk, commuting to the office and in bed at night. A resonant voice transports you to another world, but this time you choose where. You can pick something to suit your mood, or to change it. When light laughter is wanted, Wodehouse is an earphone away, and when full-on thrills are the only way to drown that other nagging voice, a whopping Jo Nesbo session will do the trick.
3. Beat the Fockers
Why do perfectly rational adults, leading mature, fulfilled lives, disintegrate into full-on family chaos when you put them all together once a year? Because we all revert to our childhood personae.
For The Martyr, Christmas is made for feeling put upon; The Raging Bully gets to release all the anger carried on behalf of the whole family all their lives; The Winder-Upper does just that and then runs off satisfied with the resultant havoc; The Victim is feeling hurt; The Peacemaker desperately tries to broker calm and The Performing Monkey is frantically trying to jolly the troops but it's wearing thin. So which are you? And who's who in your family? I'm over-simplifying, but there is a little bit of one or two of these characters in all of us; it is how we got attention in the family as children. So before you Meet the Fockers, think about predictable roles and patterns of behaviour. It will help you to detach, to recognise the masks everyone is wearing, and to realise that you don't have to wear your particular party hat this year.
4. Keep it ordinary
Stick to your normal routine as much as you can in the holiday lead-up. Maybe volunteer to be the skeleton presence in the office. Avoid places where you'll feel vulnerable: shops with Noddy Holder belting out Merry Christmas Everybody; queuing at a Jo Malone counter behind all the men buying posh candles for their wives/girlfriends while you enviously wish you had one of them (the man, not the Lime Basil and Mandarin). This may be the year for the one-stop shop at Easons – or somewhere local where you're known, and where you'll be treated the same as always.
5. Plan your day
Have something to focus on for every day of the holidays. If the day is yawning and empty, you'll feel just that, yawning and empty.
Planning your day will have you bounding out of bed (or at least up at a reasonable hour) and energise you. If you’re home alone, start a project – tidy a cupboard, clear the shed, photograph your shoes and pin the pic to each box. It’s what our mothers did before the Wii. You’ll be amazed how satisfying it is, and how one project leads to another; before you know it you’ll be grouting by Friday.
6. Calm your soul
Do what it takes to feed your soul – visit a gallery to see art that will touch your heart and emotions without accompanying trauma; a walk or cycle to see a panoramic view helps you realise how small we all are in the world, how insignificant our problems are in the overall scheme, and there's something about the changing seasons and a horizon that help us feel hopeful; attending a vigil or carol service, even if you don't believe in God, will help you feel part of the wider community; and if you do believe in God, light a candle, say a quick prayer – it doesn't have to be long, God knows it's hard to pray when you're in crisis.
7. Avoid self-help
Just for now. You may well decide to see a counsellor or GP, take up yoga or mindfulness, but now is not the time. These change-your-life regimens can bring up all kinds of emotions initially, including tears, lots of them.
Keep hysterics under wraps for Christmas and leave the new you to the new year. But you may want to look at smaller ways to self-help – at your "little weaknesses": drinking too much or on your own, bingeing on junk food, gambling, smoking an entire pack of fags in one sitting, hours of Breaking Bad, internet, gaming, whatever's your poison or fills you with self-loathing afterwards. I'm not saying stop, but if you know that three glasses of wine is when your fragile psyche kicks in, spread them out or stop at two.
8. Sleep to restore
I don't mean pull the duvet over your head for the entire holiday (the odd day of sloth if you're tired or can't face the day won't do any harm, but remember, we're in brave mode here!). Sleep's restorative powers are what we're after. Funny then, that just when you need it most, sleep deserts you. It's hard to know which comes first, stress or insomnia, but one often begets the other. Stress aside, a late-night The Good Wife-fest does not lead to restful sleep; neither does Red Bull, coffee, tea or booze. One reason we stay up late is fear of not sleeping or of being awake too early, so start to wind down before you go to bed and go to sleep at the same time every night (before midnight). If you're lying in bed awake, get up. So you end up bringing Fido for a walk at 5am, well, he doesn't know it's the middle of the night, does he?
9. Find an ally
Some time in the next few weeks, you'll be chatting with a pal and admit you found Christmas very hard; and they'll say: "I wish I'd known, because mine was grim too." Say it now. Find that friend you can be honest with, who won't judge you, someone with whom you can have a mutual moan on difficult days. Make sure that someone has the good sense to tell you, this is a blip, a bloomin' hard blip, that you will come out of. Just not right now.
Lastly, if you feel you really can’t face the “happy” holidays, think seriously about talking to someone, a trusted friend, your GP – ask for help, you will get it.
Otherwise, I ho, ho, ho-pe this little arsenal of tips helps you to have a peaceful Christmas and to give your best shot at a better next year.
