Heart-shaped beds? Jacuzzis for two? Give us a little loving, says Edel Morgan
IT BEING St Valentine's day, it struck me that housebuilders haven't been slow to exploit the concept of romance in their advertising - but have they just been teasing us all these years? Their ads and brochures have depicted loved-up couples reclining playfully on the sofa in their swanky new apartment or sauntering hand-in-hand around the communal grounds. Some developers have even ramped the sentiment up a notch with steamy and provocative advertising suggesting that semi-clad couples parade around their homes nibbling suggestively on fruit and asparagus tips.
They're good at talking the talk, but when it comes to walking the walk, not so good . . . Once they've reeled real-life couples in, there's never so much as a packet of rose petals or a hammock on arrival to their new home. The ubiquitous "lifestyle" packages are usually full of highly practical (aka passion killer) freebies like appliances or boring flooring allowances (unless of course it's shag pile). Fine if you're resolutely single but shouldn't there be an alternative five-star "lurve" package? Or instead of a Golden Hello package, a "How you doin?" special deal comprising a heart-shaped bed and Jacuzzi for two?
Could it be that given the standard size of most new homes, the Jacuzzi for two would have to go out on the roof garden? And the heart-shaped bed would cut off any circulation space in the bedroom? To be fair, a reason that developers haven't gone down this road might be that as a nation we tend not to go in for anything that could be construed as outrageously tacky.
I've had a peek around a fair few houses in my time and while I've seen orgy-sized velvet sofas in a rock star pad or two, I've yet to see any mirrored ceilings or a single water bed. Or maybe by the time I arrive, the homes have been neutralised for public consumption.
And they might be right to do so. Fine if there's a few choice photographs of the happy couple around the place but too much overt lovey-doviness can scare buyers off. I know of a southside couple who had trouble selling their home during the property boom and the agent confided that the mother of all double Jacuzzis in their bathroom was the problem.
Another couple who had photographs of themselves canoodling and pawing each other on every available surface elicited a similar reaction, as did the property where the full length nude of the woman of the house over the fireplace gave viewers a turn.
More tasteful displays of togetherness, however, seem to be making a comeback, like his and hers sinks (the couple that do their ablutions together stay together) and unisex dressingrooms complete with monogrammed dressing gowns. Mood lighting in the form of dimmers and lamps throughout the house are a must. You just know these people have a discreet stash of candles, fancy crockery and good wine glasses ready to whip out for impromptu romantic dinners. Their bedroom is an oasis away from the fray, with crisp bedlinen and dramatic artwork over the bed - chosen together of course. Then there are the homes with very few outward signs of a couple. Or when one half of the couple blots the other out of existence with their highly individual taste in decor. Or worse still, when things get so complacent that the bedroom sheets are forced to surrender themselves to the laundry basket. To test which category you fall into, answer this question. If you arrived home today to find a carpet of rose petals in the hall, would you a) think what has that romantic devil been up to? or b) reach for the hoover and wonder who made the mess? If the answer is b) then maybe it's high time you invested in that heart-shaped bed.
