How to complain effectively. Don’t grandstand, don’t fixate on the result

How do I complain and feel satisified?

It depends on the effect you want to have. If complaining makes you a tight ball of anxiety, think twice. Dining out, for example, is full of variables. Special occasions can make for a heady mix. No one is happy after a poor meal or deficient service, but if making a face-to-face complaint fills you with dread, why add anxiety to the mix? Our culture affirms that we should stand up for ourselves, and ‘not be taken for a mug’. But the truly conflict-avoidant might be better served by being true to themselves.

“Just don’t do that to yourself. Ask is it really worth it?” says behaviour therapist with Perspectives Ireland, Dr Yvonne Barnes-Holmes. “If every time you go to a restaurant you think you are going to have to stand up for yourself, you’re going to be anxious every time your meal comes, worrying about whether you will have to complain. If it’s going to make you really uncomfortable, just don’t do it.” If this is you, a written complaint might be the suitable route. Address it to a specific person, set a deadline for a response, include your details and keep a copy.

But I’m really good at complaining

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More power to you. Just don’t grandstand. “There are some people who love standing up for themselves, but the problem can be they have no perspective taken of the people around them,” says Barnes-Holmes. If your way of complaining is making your dinner companions wince, you’ve got it wrong. Shaming staff, raising your voice and embellishing your grievance are not the hallmarks of a person in control. Public dressing-downs are just plain ugly. You don’t need to involve the whole table. Complain discreetly, with minimum fuss and with as even a tone as you can muster, Barnes-Holmes advises.

Is there a middle ground?

There is, and it’s best. Forget the ‘Alpha’-type playbook. You don’t have to look or sound a particular way. Your own way is just fine. “It’s about what’s right for you,” says Barnes-Holmes. “If you’re trying to be someone different, it’s going to come out all wrong.”

Stick to the facts. “You’ve put me in X room and I requested Y room . . . I don’t mind waiting, but can you please change it?” Adding that it’s your wedding anniversary, your sciatica is playing up and the cat died is just gilding the lily.

"When we have difficult conversations, keep them short, really, really short," she says. Make sure your complaint is valid, of course. If termination charges prevent you switching provider, then tough. Swot up on consumer law on the Competition and Consumer Protection Commission website, ccpc.ie to show you know your rights.

How do I “win”?

Before complaining, “check in with yourself and ask, for you, what is this about?” says Barnes-Holmes. Be specific about the remedy you want – a refund, replacement, compensation or simply an apology? Acknowledge to yourself too, however, that you may have no real control over what will be offered. You only have control over yourself. “If you want [or are entitled to] a particular remedy say: ‘Look, I really wasn’t happy, it’s really important to me that this gets deducted off the bill.” Or it might be important to you just to say your piece, says Barnes-Holmes. “I don’t want another dinner, but I do need you to know this really wasn’t good.

“If you get very focused on the outcome, you can get very anxious about whether you are going to be effective,” she says. “That process of self-expression is often more important than the outcome.”