What is a narcissist?
An inflated sense of importance, a deep need for attention and admiration, a lack of empathy – if these traits sound familiar, you could be dealing with a narcissist. Of course, if you’re the narcissist you won’t recognise yourself at all.
Jekyll and Hyde
Oh Lordy. Narcissism spells trouble for the narcissist and everyone around them. Frequently charming and convincing, it can take a while to see their darker traits. Their manipulation is gradual.
“It’s difficult for us to see what’s really going on, particularly if we care about the person,” says Alison Winfield, counsellor at Mindfully Well Cork. Criticism is one thing, but the narcissist takes it up a notch. “It’s more the slow and insidious nature of the criticism,” says Winfield. “It leads to somebody, over time, completely losing their self-esteem. The narcissist is very good at working out what buttons to press. They know exactly what to say and when to say it to have the most devastating effect.”
Frankly my dear…
The narcissist doesn’t know how to give a damn. “It’s a lack of empathy. They really don’t care about anyone apart from themselves,” says Winfield. Not only do they not recognise their fault, they are certain it’s your fault. The narcissist can bring out the worst in us, too. “It can be completely crazy-making in a household, a workplace or a family,” she says. “It’s almost like there is a dance going on where the narcissist controls everybody behaving in a certain way.”
Label them
In between the criticism, the narcissist can be lovely. That’s what makes things so confusing, says Winfield. However, grasping who the person really is can put you back in the driving seat. “Once you realise the type of personality you are dealing with, it gets a bit easier. You realise, it’s not me, it’s them. Also, there is nothing you can do that will ever make them change. They won’t change.”
Stop focusing on them
Accommodating and pacifying a narcissist partner, family member, friend or boss can be a full-time job. If their argy bargy is filling your head and dominating your life, quit. “Focus on yourself, your own life, your interests, your friends. Stop focusing on them,” says Winfield.
Pick your battles
With a narcissist in your life, it is easy for there to be constant tension and argument. Pick only those battles that are important to you. “Decide what boundaries you absolutely need to set for yourself. If they step over those, call them out. Let some things go, but other things, say, no, I will not let that go.”
By appeasing them, you may inadvertently be prompting them to further dominate you. Other strategies include ending the relationship or minimising contact. If they must attend your family event, set strict parameters.
Don’t take the bait
Cutting them out might not be the end of it. Be wary. Their modus operandi can be to lure you back into battle. A long, long text message, an email, an invitation to meet and talk things over, a promise to change – this can be bait.
“It can be about drawing you back in. You want to reply because you are angry, then suddenly you are sucked back in,” says Winfield. Don’t feed their narcissism. A narcissist is unlikely to commit to counselling. “They wouldn’t feel they are wrong or that it’s them that needs to change. They don’t question themselves.”
