I love the Olympics, but due to more pressing obligations I haven't been able to indulge in as much synchronised armchair action as I'd like to these days, writes Róisín Ingle.
I've been in training myself, you see, in preparation for another event that's held every four years. The Irish Monopoly Championships. Go to jail, go directly to jail if you find news of my participation in this event even remotely amusing.
Since early childhood I have had a tortuous relationship with the game of Monopoly. It has always been a love/hate thing - love to play, hate to lose - ever since I threw my first board in the air in anger after being assessed for street repairs. I am terrible with money in the real world, so why I've always imagined I might make championship material when it comes to a game based totally on accumulating money and avoiding bankruptcy is a real mystery to my friends and relations.
My quest for recognition in the Monopoly world began four years ago when I saw a tiny ad in a newspaper searching for contestants to take part in the Irish championship. I went, I haggled and I came last. The free T-shirts we got just for entering were pretty groovy, although it took me a few weeks to pluck up the courage to wear a top with Free Parking emblazoned across my chest. And it took me months to get over my experience at the hands of Ekundayo Badmus who went on to win and receive a respectable 15th place in the world event.
"Just turn everything in to me ... you have gone bust, man ... turn it all in," he said, wearing shades all through the tournament like the shark he was. I don't know what it was I did so wrong because I even had Ailesbury and Shrewsbury Road at one point. The whole experience was kind of like a mini-Wall Street Crash. Luckily we were in the Bank of Ireland in College Green so there were no windows to throw myself out of. Daylight robbery indeed.
Badmus - who changed his name to O'Badmus when he represented Ireland in the world championships in Canada which made me like him a little bit more - is entering the competition again. During my intense training sessions I've been adopting some of his more intimidatory tactics but the boyfriend just laughs and his little brother just builds more hotels. I had a breakthrough the other night though, winning two games in a row. Now I just need to figure out what I did so right. And I'm loathe to share my tactics here in case any of my competitors are reading but let's just say, as developers have discovered in recent years, Crumlin and Kimmage offer fantastic returns.
I thought because I had entered before that I would just breeze into this year's contest but instead I had to get 10 devilish Monopoly-related questions correct in an online quiz and answer a tiebreak question.
I'm aiming high this time but really I'll be happy if I improve on my personal best (worst?) performance and don't come last. Especially since this year the prize for entering is much better than a T-shirt. It's vouchers that can be put towards buying a My Monopoly Board. I'd never even heard of this concept before but apparently along with the Star Wars boards and Coronation Street boards, Hasbro also sell Monopoly boards that you can design yourself.
All you need is a theme. Instead of properties, you can name the streets after your favourite restaurants or pubs. I would have Sherie's on Abbey Street for example and The Dockers on Sir John Rogerson's Quay.
But actually a My Monopoly board would be the perfect wedding present for an intrepid friend who spent eight years trying to get her man. The cheapest properties will be all the places she yearned for him from afar. Namely Portmarnock Strand, the Fás Training Centre and the top deck of the number 19 bus. The most expensive properties would be those places where six years after she developed a crush on him, he finally chatted her up. That would be the Autobahn pub in Finglas and her mother's front room.
I have a feeling I am not going to disgrace myself this morning. I've heard winning isn't everything but I really feel I would represent the country well on the world stage, plus I'd quite like a free trip to Japan. All I can do is hope all my hard work pays off and I get my just rewards. And, no, I don't mean first prize in a crossword competition.
The Irish Monopoly Championship takes place this morning in The Liffey Valley Centre from 9 a.m.