Frustration. Sheer brain twisting, blood boiling, teeth grinding frustration. That's the end result of a week spent behind the wheel of BMW's new 3-Series coupé.
In this car the German marque has managed to create the ultimate clash of head over heart. The head buzzes with reasons why this is the best coupé on the market by a country mile. Yet the heart doesn't even skip a beat.
This car is impossible not to like. Sit behind the wheel and it's equally impossible not to love. With this new coupé BMW has excelled, providing everything the coupé owner desires in terms of driving pleasure and outright performance. In engineering terms it excels. Overall, of the relatively small number of premium coupés out there, this car annihilates the opposition. Nothing really comes close.
Of course, this particular version is the new twin turbo 3-litre 335i range topper and in that regard it's not really representative of the versions that will be the best sellers in our highly taxed car market. Yet in each of its versions it represents the standard bearer in engineering and performance that others must attempt to match.
This car also represents a landmark move for the Bavarian marque, long-time detractors of the petrol turbo technique. And rightly so - while BMW did dabble in turbos in early petrol versions 20 years ago it quickly dumped the exhaust power option due to its tendency to woeful turbo lag and unquenchable thirst.
Times have changed and turbos are all the rage in petrol engines these days, thanks to significant reduction in both lag and fuel consumption. This is BMW's first foray into turbo power since those early days.
In this new set-up, each turbo is set to three cylinders and over 800rpm there's little or no noticeable lag. As with all sweet six-cylinders from BMW, this unit likes to run up to 6,500rpm before it starts to fade.
While the return to turbos is a milestone for the German marque, the twin turbos are not exactly overworked. BMW has already managed to achieve 272bhp from the naturally aspirated six-cylinder block in the 330i coupé, and turbocharging only adds 36bhp more.
Yet, as the engineers rightly point out, with 306bhp from the 335i, it's the sort of power you'd normally associate from the likes of a much heavier 4-litre V8.
The end result, therefore, is a light coupé with an engine weight saving of more than 70kg: so kudos to the engineers. Further evidence of their ability comes in the form of the performance statistics. A 0-100km/h time of just 5.5 seconds leaves the Porsche Boxster and even the entry-level new Cayman in the shade.
Perhaps more important for average motorists who truly appreciate the power when they go to overtake is the 400Nm of torque that kicks in from 1,300rpm and seems to continue to add significant forward push all the way up to over 5,500rpm. Forget about turbo lag, this engine is as smooth as a normally aspirated engine and still manages an official fuel consumption of 9.5 L/100km (29.7 mpg).
To put all this in perspective, consider the opposition. To achieve similar power from a Mercedes CLK, you'd have to opt for the €92,000 CLK500. And you can forget about the likes of the fastest coupés from Alfa, Volvo or Peugeot even coming close.
Pure power isn't all the new coupé has to offer: the handling is as crisp as we've come to expect from the 3-Series range. BMW has set the benchmark in premium saloons and virtually every other manufacturer marks its entrants as "rivals to BMW's 3-Series". Part of this is due to the range's engine ability, but also to its road-going ability.
The coupé chassis starts with a proper weight ratio of 52:48 front and back.
Then it comes with the usual array of stability and traction controls, though these are, thankfully, not overriding elements in the package. In fact the engineers have left it so that even with traction control on, there's enough play in the rear wheels to have a little fun.
Add a little power mid-corner and courtesy of the rear-wheel drive, there's the gradual arrival of oversteer with the back leaning out slightly before being pulled back into line by the stability control system. The fact that BMW has left this degree of driver control in place says a lot about the engineers behind the car.
Ride quality is harsher than on the saloon, though you'd hardly expect Citroën-style smoothness in a coupé. The test car was shod in 17" alloys with low-profile run-flat Bridgestone tyres and they are about the limit of what an average driver will endure.
Of course the coupé has to have some practical merit as well, otherwise buyers would opt for a fully-fledged sports car. This 3-Series is a proper four-seater and the back seats are not just for storing your backpack or the odd shopping bag. While entry and egress is never going to be graceful, they can accommodate two adults back there and it's better than the previous version and any of its competitors in terms of rear headroom.
Boot space is also to be commended, with 440 litres on offer. That's more than most coupés and though it's not very wide, there's certainly enough length in it to get a couple of golf bags in there without too much effort.
Standard features are also surprisingly generous - particularly for the normally parsimonious German brand. Along with six airbags, a rather smart seatbelt handover system that operates out of the b-pillar, and corona ringed bi-xenon headlights, there's also the recently introduced brake force display that brightens the brake lights during emergency braking. These are standard on the current range that starts with the 2.5-litre 325i at €57,015. When the final entry-level 2-litre model comes on stream we can't guarantee the likes of cruise control will be standard in these versions as well.
So after getting through this 900-word eulogy, you must be wondering what exactly is the source of my frustration with the coupé. Well, take another look at the car. From the front, it bears all the sporting allure you'd expect from a €70,000 sports car. And from the back it looks as sporting as its saloon sibling. It's from the side profile that things start to go amiss.
BMW is proud of the fact that this new coupé bears little or no relation in terms of shared panelling with the saloon. What's more it's longer and squatter than its predecessor, even if it is roomier inside. Yet it just looks flabby, particularly as the lines work their way to the back.
For all the technological accomplishments and driving pleasure, the designers have opted for a far too conservative route with this coupé. Given the provocative design language from the brand in recent years, it's all the more surprising that they opted for such a bland, traditional look with this version. Coupés are meant to turn as many heads with their looks as they do with their rasping engines. The 335i offers all the sound quality of a deep-throated V8 and all its power but little in the way of alluring appeal.
This was further evidenced at the international launch. We drove up and down the main thoroughfare of Innsbruck but no one took a second look. Where is the awe - and yes the jealousy - that this car is supposed to evoke?
The end result is a car that's the best buy in its category for ability, agility and most probably residual value. Yet the exterior design lacks the punch and head-turning traits we know BMW designers are so capable of. Thankfully for the German marque, design is really down to personal choice.
In this segment, you'd be mad to buy anything else, but we would be maddened every time we looked out the window if we did. The head says yes please, but the heart remains cold. And for €70,000 the heart has to have its say.