EMISSIONS: 'A career that's going places", the advert says. That's true. And once you get to the "place" in question, it' a quick U-turn and right back again after a quick fag and a gawk at The Star while parked at the side of some dismal road, writes Kilian Doyle
"Full training will be given, but we're also looking for things that can't be taught". Can't really argue with that. Obnoxiousness, sarcasm, and bitterness are things that only come with experience.
"You'll meet hundreds of people each day"
Also true, unless of course you take the option of just driving past them and leaving them where they stand, sodden and helpless. "so a friendly, helpful nature is a must." For the aforementioned members of the public trying to deal with their collective pain, obviously.
"And if you like people..." (Note the cunning "if" clause - translatable as 'should you utterly despise the sight of your fellow homo sapiens, don't fret, nobody here will hold it against you'.) "it'd also help if you like Dublin". Again, not a prerequisite for the job.
As we all know, liking a city doesn't necessarily stop you from terrorising every cyclist and pedestrian in it, or sneering at all its motorists who idle in gridlock hell as you amble past, unladen and unhindered.
Or driving (metaphorically, of course) them all to booze, Ibiza trance music and casual bad dressing with the sheer frustration of it all.
"You'll be travelling every inch of the city" Again, and again, and again, and again, and again. And then the same again the next day. And the one after that. (This is all getting a bit Beckettian - Ed.)
"Making sure people get to their destination safely, and on time". Note, this only applies to the buses travelling before 6 a.m. and after 4 p.m, stuffed full of your colleagues and their shopping. Sod the rest of them.
It must be noted that a predilection towards going utterly nuts and ploughing into low bridges will exclude (most) applicants.
As will any inherent tendencies towards being pleasant or offering to lift prams, grannies' shopping or guide dogs. Or the loathsome trait of feeling somehow obliged to proffer an apology or explanation for handing a useless scrap of paper to a hapless, uncomprehending tourist who has innocently tendered a €2 coin for a €1.05 fare.
As for smiling, politeness or diligence when observing the general unspoken rules of engagement among road-users, don't even think about wasting our time, bud.
Hold on, though, there's more Sweet suffering Mother of Mercy, more is not the word for it!
Starting salary of €484? Rising to €560 including shift benefits? Assuming that is weekly (take nothing for granted), you can count me in. As for the free bus travel, I'll pass on that. Like the butcher who never eats sausages, I know what goes into them.
I certainly qualify in the surliness department, my personal hygiene has been known to deteriorate unashamedly when not trying to impress my betters, and as for getting on people's nerves, I'm the Daddy. Sure I'm writing this, aren't I?