EMISSIONS:Noel Dempsey should write a letter to the Taoiseach to rev up his career following drink-driving success, writes
KILIAN DOYLE
FAIR PLAY to you, Noel Dempsey. You've shown some serious cojones by facing down the revolt from the publican wing of the republican party and ploughing ahead with your new drink-driving limits. You have done the State some service.
To show my gratitude, I've compiled the following multiple choice letter for you to send to the Taoiseach. I suggest you use it to ingratiate yourself with him prior to the forthcoming Budget.
Print it out, delete as appropriate and slip it to the Big Man in the Dáil. Good luck.
Dear Brian,
I hope this letter finds you a) in good health; b) in time; c) still in power.
I am acutely aware that the Budget is coming up. I am also aware that money's tight and hard to get, and our horse is an also-ran, but I do think you should seriously consider not slashing my department's funding next month. Here's why.
I have, unlike some people I could mention, been very good this year. Nary a single scandal worth mentioning. This is because I have, during the past 12 months, a) exhibited an omniscience and omnipotence that is the envy of all in Cabinet; b) not made any more of a hames of things than usual; c) been invisible.
I've also been very prudent with the cash. I have a) been proactive, pressuring my officials, engineers, suppliers and contractors to keep costs down; b) reconfigured the electronic voting machines so they now act as ATMs, pumping out the fake banknotes I've been printing in a shed in Navan; c) been using all my expenses to buy Lotto tickets.
Road deaths are markedly down over the year. This success is due to a) my heroic work; b) a fluke; c) the fact we've run the economy so far into the ground that nobody can afford to drive anywhere.
Emissions are also down. See above. Don't believe Gormley or his cabbage-eating chums when they claim that one.
The Dublin Metro, as you know, is in train. Once finished, it'll be the envy of a) all of Europe; b) Cork; c) moles.
I accept the airport tax has come in for a lot of stick. But it can't have escaped your attention that it's steadily keeping the loot rolling in. I propose to a) double it; b) triple it or; c) ringfence all the proceeds for financing a professional, untraceable hit on Michael O'Leary.
Dublin Bikes have also been a great success. Next year, I will a) increase the fleet tenfold; b) tax them; c) place a dozen tandems around the city so we ministers can get around. I'm proposing tandems so that we can use a Garda cyclist to do the work while we lounge on the back seat, waving at our subjects and giving high fives to proles at traffic lights.
On second thoughts, I may just use sedan chairs instead. We can get former Senators to carry them. It'll give them something to do after we turf them out of the Oireachtas, if nothing else.
Speaking of which, I realise you may need to wield the axe in Cabinet in the New Year and do a reshuffle. I hereby put myself at your considerable mercy. I'm sure a man of your intelligence, cunning and tactical nous will do what's best for Fianna Fail, particularly in areas where it is under greatest threat. Like Meath.
If you do decide to move me on to pastures new, may I be so bold as suggest you replace me with a) Kilian Doyle; b) Eddie Jordan; c) Mattie McGrath. I believe this replacement would, a) continue my fine work; b) do an even worse job and thus maintain my legacy as the greatest transport minister since Séamus Brennan; c) take one look at my in-tray and run for the hills, bleating and whimpering.
I am a) as ever, your loyal servant; b) after your job; c) defecting to Fine Gael,
Noel Dempsey, TD