Driving my battered old Volkswagen Santana on the streets of Beijing, I made the mistake of stopping at a red light. It turned out I was doing the right thing. I know that, because I later checked the Chinese highway code. It was a red light on a left turn. Not one of those red lights where you don't actually have to stop.
That did not prevent the drivers lined up behind me from leaning on their horns and making all sorts of gesticulations suggesting that perhaps I should get out of their way. That is the problem with driving in China, which statistically has some of the world's most dangerous roads. About 1,100 new cars and other vehicles hit the streets of Beijing every day.
There are rules, but many, many people don't obey them. It is common to see cars back up on highways when they miss a turn. To see someone signal to overtake is a rare delight. I passed the road traffic theory test when I arrived in China three years ago, but a series of minor offences meant I had to retake it. My approach had always been "When in Rome etc". With cameras watching at just about every major junction, that was my mistake.
I took the test again this month - and failed.
I got 74 out of 100. The pass mark is 90. I thought it only right to buy the English-language version of the highway code and cram for my third attempt, but the questions and answers are often contradictory, or just plain bizarre.
Some are easy: "Blowing the horn in an area or section where horn blowing is prohibited is not permitted." True or false?
Some are confusing: "If a motor vehicle is passing through an intersection without a traffic light or traffic sign, should it give right of way to vehicles that have a green light?"
The road rage question reads: "After quarrelling with others, a driver: a, can drive the vehicle only after calming down; b, should fight the person with whom there is a disagreement and let the situation affect his driving; c, drive with rage."
And then there is the perennial favourite: "What should a driver do when he needs to spit while driving? a, spit through the window; b, spit into a piece of waste paper, then put it in a garbage can; or c, spit on the floor of the vehicle?" The answer, in case it comes up, is b.
The test centre, south of Beijing, cannot be missed. Flanking the main gates are two vehicles on plinths; one a wrecked Mercedes, the other a burnt-out mini-van. Waiting for your test, you can watch a DVD showing car wrecks, burnt bodies, torn limbs and grieving families. Or you read the signs: "Let the road safety rules be your mentor".
Then comes the test itself, all done by computer. If you pass you get a smiley face. If you fail, it's tears. I got tears when I took it for the third time, but the officer in charge looked at my score - 88 out of 100 - showed some much-appreciated leeway, and let me pass. Back at reception, another officer said "Well done," and told me I could drive again the next day.
And when I did get back behind the wheel, I considered the wisdom of another gem from the highway code: "If your petrol tank catches fire, do you douse it with water, use a carbon dioxide fire extinguisher, or cover the flames with cotton-padded clothes?"
The answer given is cotton-padded clothes. I have my doubts.