The Hockenheim track has a knack of sorting the men from the boys, discovers Kilian Doyleas he gets behind the wheel of a Formula BMW
THE VAST majority of men think they are great drivers. And many of them secretly think that were they to be given the chance behind the wheel of a racing car, their talents would emerge and they'd be "discovered" as a potential star. Yours truly, I confess, is no stranger to that delusion.
It was with my unfounded sense of motoring mastery that I ventured on to the Hockenheimring for a day driving a Formula BMW car. I soon got put back in my box.
But first, the technical stuff. Formula BMW is a class, like Formula Ford, that serves as an introduction for young car drivers to single-seater racing, with the intention of grooming them for bigger and better things. Participants who've moved on to Formula One include Nico Rosberg and Italian Grand Prix winner Sebastian Vettel.
All competitors use the same cars, tyres and fuel, resulting in the best drivers succeeding through skill alone. That's the theory, anyway. Powered by a highly-tuned four-cylinder 140 bhp motorcycle engine from the K1200RS, the cars have a top speed of 230km/h. Not only that, but they can do 0-100km/h in under four seconds. If that sounds insanely quick, it's because it is.
BMW uses the same cars during their racing experience days on tracks across Europe. No matter what your level of skill or experience, you can spend the day with professional instructors, including former racing drivers, learning the basics of formula racing and then driving the buttock-clenchingly rapid cars yourself.
And today it was my turn. On the track that hosts the German Grand Prix, one of the fastest races in the Formula One calendar. Gulp.
Arriving, I sneakily eyed up the "competition" - a smattering of stern Germans, two Swedes videoing everything, and, beaming serenely, an unassuming Swiss gent in his sixties.
"Have you done much racing before?" I asked him, half-concerned he'd walked into the room by accident.
He proceeded to reel off a list of a dozen racetracks where he'd trained before humbly showing me the BMW M5 he'd arrived in. That wiped the smirk off my face. Books and covers, eh?
Once fitted with racing gear, chief instructor Axel treated us to a technical briefing which, nerds that we were, we lapped up, and a safety briefing which we nodded along to politely before ignoring completely. We giggled nervously at each other during a lesson in how to blip the throttle when downshifting to save the gearbox.
It looked an exercise in contortionism far beyond my meagre talents. The gearbox would have to look after itself.
Into the cars. As they were designed for teenagers, this is no mean feat. I am no longer the snake-hipped youth of yore.
To say the carbon-fibre cockpit was a tight squeeze is putting it mildly.
After a few slowish acclimatisation laps trailing a pace car piloted by a former Formula 3000 driver, we were called in to the pits to be told we, as a group, were good enough to be given free rein. Were they mad? Letting nutjobs like me hurtle unrestricted around a track in these wickedly fast machines? They were.
Without giving them time to change their minds, we hopped back in the cars and set off , this time at full pelt.
The acceleration was initially stomach-churning. The stands were a blur, corners appeared out of nowhere. The tiniest tap on the throttle sent the engine into a kidney-shuddering roar. Adrenaline poured in rivers down my face. I'd never felt more alive.
While it wasn't a race, and we weren't being timed, egos soon muscled caution out of the way. Gaining the confidence to give it the proverbial welly, I began flooring it at every opportunity and braking later and later with each passing corner.
Midway through the first free session, I had lapped two cars and was way in front. And then, disaster.
I rounded a bend too quickly, dabbed the brakes a tad too sharply and spun, ending up in the cones.
I was left to watch dejectedly as four cars passed. Hitting the start button, I tore off again and re-passed two of them within a lap.
By the end of the session, I was, in my mind, an unsung superstar. "Very fast," nodded an instructor proudly to me as I peeled my helmet off. I was chuffed.
Surely the Formula One boss hiding up in the stands would be down with a contract within minutes?
But he never showed.
So, on the next session, I decided to push even harder. Silly me.
On the first lap, I tore into the infamous Sachs Kurve way too fast, braked at precisely the wrong spot and shot off backwards, ending up lodged ignominiously on the kerb with four wheels in the air.
A safety car had to tow me off. I'm told the sound of my bubble bursting was clearly audible in the pits.
The session had to be stopped.
Sheepishly, I apologised to the other drivers - who'd paid €1,600 for the day - for scuppering their fun. "No problem," came the magnanimous response.
Equally forgiving were the instructors, who were as patient and supportive as I was despondent and embarrassed. "You must relax," said one, sagely. "Drive smoother. You will go faster next time, ja?"
Sadly, nein. From then on, the Sachs Kurve became my nemesis. Each time I exited it, my mind was already shuddering at the prospect of navigating it again. To my shame, I'd bottled it. As a result, I lost the plot completely, couldn't concentrate and slowed to granny pace.
One Swede passed me. Then the other. Finally, M5 man tore past me on the home straight. This wouldn't do at all.
And then I remembered what I'd been told: I relaxed. It was a revelation.
Within half a lap of concentrating on smoothness over speed, I was sitting on M5 man's tail, nuzzling his rear axle. Predictably, just as I had him, out came the chequered flag. My resurgence was over.
Still, I'd loved every second of it. By day's end, I'd been racing for an hour, grinning for the other seven and learned what I think is called "a valuable lesson".
My delusion had been shattered. Lewis Hamilton can sleep easy in his bed.
BMW Ireland is bringing the Formula BMW Racing Experience to Mondello, Co Kildare in May 2009. Contact Sarah.Heaney@bmw.ie for details.
www.formula-bmw-racing-experience.com