Opel Meriva OPC It's the motoring equivalent of a mid-life crisis. You think you've got the energy and youthful vigour of a man half your age but you've got a family to look after.
You might want to burn rubber with the boys round the back of the local supermarket car park but you've got to do the school run and pick granny up from bingo. So you try to lead the double life of family man and party animal. Sadly, it never works. Staring at the Meriva OPC is a bit like spotting your strait-laced accountant clad in a baseball cap and starring in an Eminem video. The world just makes a little less sense. It's not supposed to be this way.
The Meriva, for all the merits of its flexible seating has always been just another anonymous family hatchback, with the tall roof and boxy lines that feature on so many other non-descript cars these days.
It's also one of the best getaway cars around. After all, few eyewitnesses would be able to distinguish it from a Renault Scenic. Or was it a Fiat Idea? No, a Ford Fusion, that's it.
The only limitation to its criminal prowess was a rather lacklustre performance. That's now been rectified with the introduction of the high-performance OPC version of the small family hatchback. The 1.6-litre 16-valve turbocharged petrol engine puts out 178bhp with a 0-100km/h time of 8.2 seconds.
The very idea of a high performance offering in this family-orientated class seems potty, but then again the engineers involved in turning regular models into hot hatches never really specialise in reality.
Opel's Performance Centre (OPC) has risen in stature and importance over the years as the German marque has pushed its niche high-performance models to the fore. We've had the usual array of OPC Astra and Vectra models, and even a Zafira OPC. Those cars make sense, even the Zafira. This one, however, would seem to be a step too far into the world of the surreal.
Painting the Meriva OPC bright blue and adding a few flares and spoilers simply epitomises it as a motoring mid-life crisis. While most sports models have the sleek aerodynamics of a well-sucked toffee sweet, the Meriva has the solid purposeful lines of a minibus. Yet it's easy to ridicule and there comes a time for some positive feedback. For all its image flaws, the Meriva OPC is actually great fun to drive.
The two Recaro seats in the front are a little figure hugging but the high-set driving position gives a great view of the road. Other OPC touches like the chunky steering wheel and silky smooth short-throw six-speed gearbox all lend to this car's disarming charm.
While you can't help but snigger and sneer at its appearance first time out, the derision quickly turns to delight when you take the car on the road. There's a very evident electronic feel to the Meriva's handling; that means it's quite delicate and smooth but also a little lacking in the type of real-time information from the road that you expect to receive from a regular hot hatch.
Towering above the likes of the Mini or Ford Fiesta, there are clear disadvantages to all that height when it comes to handling. Admittedly the engineers at OPC have done their best to counteract this situation by lowering the Meriva's normal ride height by between 10 and 15mm. Yet it still feels a little unnerving heading into a corner at speed when you are so upright.
We also noticed a tendency to understeer when we pushed it into open bends, though we were pleased with the fact that torque steer - that annoying power feedback you get from over-egged front-wheel drive cars - was absent. Along with this, the large disc brakes proved more than adequate to anchor the car to the road at a moment's notice.
The OPC engineers have clearly spent a good deal of time perfecting the right engine note and for that they've to be commended. There's a heartening gurgle from the rather lonely single chrome exhaust pipe that hangs off the rear.
In terms of performance, the 1.6-litre engine is a blast and we hope to see it featuring in the upcoming new Corsa. It doesn't feature the same 'sports' button as on the Astra range but the power is virtually instantaneous in any event. It's also relatively frugal, given the fact that it puts out nearly 180bhp. With an official average of 36.2 mpg (7.8L/100km) it does better than its Mini equivalent.
One positive from its rather boxy image is that there is all that extra space inside compared to more diminutive competitors. Most cars in this hot-hatch class sacrifice back-seat comfort for sweeping roof lines but the Meriva can accommodate two well-fed adults in the back and a good deal of luggage in the boot. So it manages to mix practicality and performance. What more could you want? Well, a lot more.
At €28,400, it's an awful lot of money for a supped-up school run car. Those interested in performance cars could opt for a Mini Cooper S for the same money or even the Octavia RS for another €3,000. These sort of comparisons make the Meriva OPC little more than an expensive indulgence for the engineers and something fancy to put on the forecourts, where it's likely to stay.
If you really want performance from the Opel brigade, it's better to opt for the more expensive but far more alluring Astra OPC or wait for the OPC version of the new Corsa that's likely to arrive later next year.
Alternatively get the five-door Astra SRi with a 170bhp turbocharged 2-litre engine for €31,095.
For all its driving merits, the Meriva is a fancy extravagance for a company that should really be tightening its belt. The good news for Opel is that they are back in the top five here in Ireland and looking forward to the arrival of a new Corsa and the Antrara SUV. The Meriva OPC is a distraction from its main task ahead.