Kilian Doyle listens in on a conversation between the Marxist Brothers
Senor Presidente?
Ah, Hugo, entra, mi amigo. Como estas?
Muy bien, Fidel, muy bien. Y tu?
(The rest of this conversation has been translated into English for your pleasure by a trained Manatee. Blame him if it's nonsense.)
Hugo, this is dreadful news in New Orleans, is it not?
Terrible, Fidel, absolutely terrible.
My heart goes out to all the wonderful people of America, especially to their leader. I wish him every blessing and good wish in his time of trouble.
(Both presidents collapse in fits of laughter).
Ah, Fidel, you cracked me up with your offer of "humanitarian aid" to the Monkey Prince! Very funny, my friend.
You liked that, did you? I got the idea from you, my revolutionary pal. Your promise to give cheap Venezuelan petrol to the poor of America was genius. The King of Vacations must be furious!
He's jumping around the White House like a live iguana on a barbecue, or so I'm told. What's even more beautiful about my plan is our friend Jesse Jackson will pick who gets the cheap stuff! And you can bet it won't be Good Ole White Boys from Texas. The Grinning Chimp will be ruined!
It is, as I said, a stroke of genius. But you should maybe be careful, no?
Why?
Mugabe and Khatami and Kim Jong-Il and I have been discussing our policy of pestering the Great Satan and we think it could be about to backfire.
How so?
The Son Of A Bush is not a happy capitalist at the moment. Iraq is a nightmare and he hasn't managed to steal all the booty he promised. And now there's the hurricane.
I don't follow you, comrade.
Oil, Hugo, oil. The American pigdogs are crying out for it. None from Iraq, 20 rigs in the Gulf blown away, the price shooting up and the queues beginning to form. They've even started rationing petrol. It's beautiful, everything we dreamed of, but it makes me worry for you.
Because I have oil, $31 billion in the bank and my people love me? Or because I overthrew their puppet fascist government and defeated the coup they sponsored?
Let me just say we're taking bets on who among us will be invaded next. Mugabe is safe, he has nothing anybody wants. Kim and Khatami have nukes, I'm the Boogey Man and that leaves you, my friend. I'm afraid all the smart money is on you for the Saddam treatment. Mugabe bet me his whole navy against this year's tobacco crop that the CIA would find weapons of mass destruction under a hedge in Caracas by the end of the year.
How many times did we warn you about betting with Mugabe? Since when does Zimbabwe have a navy?
Madre de Dios! I'll kill him, the ridiculous little tinpot tyrant!
Fidel, thanks anyway for your concern, I'll keep it in mind. Maybe paying for the population of New Orleans to come and live in Venezuela on condition they swear to fight to overthrow the evil capitalist dictators will have to wait a while.
Maybe that would be best. Hugo, there was another reason I asked you to come here. Perhaps you should extend your offer of cheap petrol to Ireland?
Ah, let me guess - you have been getting letters from that crazy Emissions guy too?
Alas, yes. But I feel for him. He is obviously insane. Poor man had one Cuba Libre too many, I think. Every week he writes to tell me how much he admires me for being the little guy standing up to the big bully. He talks about you too, calls us the Marxist Brothers.
Ay, I get the same thing. Did he tell you how, for the first time in his life, he drove around looking for a garage selling petrol cheaper than the others so he could fill his tank for a few cents less?
Yes. He said it made him feel cheap and dirty.
Fidel?
Yes, Hugo?
Make me feel cheap and dirty too, will you? Please?
Ah, Presidente, I thought you'd never ask.