BIKETEST Gilera Fuoco 500IE:A three-wheeled scooter sounds a bit odd but, says Tom Robert, he liked it, it was comfortably reassuring and was a real head-turner wherever he went
'MUMMY, THAT man's got three wheels!" "Shut up dear, it's rude to point, especially when you'll be 35 next birthday. And don't be stupid: scooters only have two wheels."
Not any more, missus, for a little while ago, in a design studio in far, far away Italy, one of the bright young men from Gilera was idly gazing at the two projects on his laptop screen; one a scooter, and one the company's radical new quad bike.
And that's when it happened. Catching a glimpse of Alessandra Vapicelli from accounts walking past the window with her very long hair swinging mysteriously in time with her very short skirt, he leaned to the right to get a better look.
The elbow of his pale green tweed Armani hunting jacket, which he had bought at lunchtime and which was so fashionable it would be out of date by teatime, nudged a bone china cup full to the brim with hand-grown organic free-range caffè nero, sending it lurching towards his keyboard.
Lunging to save the day, he rested his other hand on the merge key, and the Fuoco was born.
All right, all right, I just made all that up, but only because at first glance of the Fuoco, the first question that comes to mind is: "Why?" Well, after riding it for a couple of days, I have the answer: "Why not?"
You see, the Fuoco is a scooter for people who don't like scooters. Or rather, they like the idea of scooters, but they worried about falling off. Or hitting a patch of diesel , wet leaves or a freshly moisturised hedgehog and suddenly adopting the rarely used horizontal scootering position.
Either that, or they've got a wardrobe full of Jimmy Choos and they don't want to ruin them by putting them down in a puddle. You see, one of the great tricks you can do on the Fuoco is this: pull up to traffic lights and, as you're drawing to a halt, move the little button on the right handlebar to the left, thus locking the two front wheels, and ensuring that you can sit there defying gravity until the lights change.
Then, you can unlock them either by flicking the button on the right, or by merely twisting the throttle and roaring off into the sunset.
Er, well not exactly roaring, but pottering along very briskly indeed, since 40bhp driving 538lb or 244kg works out at a pretty respectable zero to 60mph in seven seconds.
Trying the locking and unlocking trick is even more fun if you don't keep those front wheels straight, resulting in a lurch to one side or other which would have you panicking if you hadn't already realised that the Fuoco is the most stable thing on the roads outside a Volvo.
Put it this way: hit a patch of diesel in the rain on a two-wheeler, and you're on your ear before you know it. Hit it on this, and the front wheels just slide and waggle a bit. And that's it.
Mind you, they also waggle a bit when one of them tramlines, but you never get the feeling that it's dangerous, and in corners you can heel it over as far as you dare without any sense of impending doom.
In terms of performance, it's certainly nippy enough for whizzing around town, and the single-cylinder motor is lusty enough to carry you on to an entirely stable 90mph. Not that I would know, of course.
And since it's an automatic, the handlebars carry the front and rear brakes in a fashion which will have you snuffling gently with nostalgia for your first bicycle.
There's bags of storage space under the seat, enough if you add a top box to go around the world, and a handy ring for hanging your shopping from. Oh, and you'll get more looks than if you walked down the street naked singing selected 1970s Japanese pop classics.
So all in all, it's weird and wonderful, and I wouldn't be at all surprised at all if you fall in love with it.
After all, as Jim the dealer told me, only one person who's tried one hasn't bought it, and he only turned it down because he couldn't get on and off it with his gammy leg.
Would I buy one? Afraid not, but only because they don't do Jimmy Choos in size 13, so I can keep putting my feet down for a while yet.
FactfileGilera Fuoco 500IE
Engine:493cc, single-cylinder four-stroke with four valves; 40bhp at 9,750rpm, 31lb ft of torque at 8,000rpm
Transmission:automatic, belt final drive
Top speed:90mph
Brakes:front, two 240mm discs; rear, one 280mm disc
Seat height:785mm
Dry weight:244kg
Tank capacity:12 litres
Price:€8,950.
Irish distributor is Bike World, Long Mile Rd, Dublin 12, 01-456 6222, bikeworld.ie
Test bike £5,549 from Jim McDonald, Piaggio Centre, Belfast, 028 9032 1509, scooterservicesni.co.uk