I have a brilliant plan. So brilliant is it that I'm wearing sunglasses just contemplating it, claims Killian Doyle
Before my work of staggering genius is revealed, the figures: There are currently 404,000 people on provisional licences in Ireland. That's one in six of all licensed drivers. Of them, 135,000 are waiting to sit a test, meaning 260,000 others haven't even bothered applying or have already failed so many tests they've given up trying.
A mere 137,000 tests were carried out last year. Of those tested, half failed. The Government, desperate to improve the figures, has instigated two initiatives, both Sisyphean in their hopelessness.
First, they've contracted some crowd to outsource 45,000 extra tests over the next 18 months. If half of these 45,000 testees fail, that's only just over 20,000 extra tests a year.
The second is to employ 11 additional testers. Yup, only 11. Something to do with a cap on public appointments. As it is, there are only 130 State testers, each of whom can only do around five tests per day.
Not to mention the fact their rate of sick days is well above national average at 10.5. (No surprise. Can you imagine the stress of getting into 25 cars a week and not knowing if you are going to live or die each time?)
As you can see, the situation is irremediable. No matter what they do, it will take a minimum of two years to clear the backlog. And only then if there's a freeze on new applications while they do it.
I still haven't mentioned the mass of Provos out there driving for years and years and years with no intention of getting full licences.
Why? Because they know there's nobody going to stop them.
The head honcho of the Road Safety Authority, Noel Brett, made a telling admission during an interview last week. When asked about enforcement of the laws governing Provos, namely the bits about not using motorways or driving unaccompanied, he accepted the gardaí have essentially given up. "Clearly, until the backlog is (removed) it is very difficult to actually rigorously enforce those restrictions," he said.
Think he's wrong? How many times have you driven down a motorway and seen solo motorists with L-plates trundling along unmolested?
If they have given up on the current batch, are our current 404,000 Provos not using the roads the same as anyone else and are they not therefore de facto fully licensed drivers?
The only people recognising any difference are insurance companies, and that's solely because they can wave L-plates at young drivers when they complain about being fleeced.
But Mr Brett has a wonder plan to introduce "learner permits" with even more restrictions, some of which may or may not include night-time curfews, bans on holders carrying passengers aged under 21 and exclusions on driving certain types of powerful cars. Sounds lovely.
But tell me this - how will that work if the current rules aren't even being imposed?
A lightbulb with the word "Amnesty" stamped on it materialised, cartoonlike, above my head. On went my shades. This is the brilliance of which I spoke: Grant all Provos an amnesty and start from scratch. We could call it the Good Wednesday Agreement.
Stall the ball a second, don't bother ringing the lads in Dundrum. It's not that mad. Fact is, it was done before, forty-ish years ago, when the driving test was first introduced.
All anyone who had been driving up until then had to do was apply and they were automatically granted a licence to drive, whether they were able or not. Anyway, even without such a precedent, if Mr Brett's admission alone wasn't grounds for an amnesty, then I'm a chimp in an 18-hour girdle.
The only problem I can see is that it would mean 404,000 motorists, many of whom have previously been deemed unsafe to drive by State testers, tootling around unaccompanied and unmonitored around Irish roads, thinking they have carte blanche to do as they please.
So, no change there, then.