You've just taken delivery of your brand-new Ferrari F360 Modena. It does 0-60 mph in 4.5 seconds and has a top speed of 190 mph, thanks to its 400 bhp engine, writes John Cassidy.
You decide to take it out for a spin in the Dublin Mountains. The sun is shining, the roads are clear, and things really couldn't be better. You should be happy - even ecstatic. But you're not.
In fact, you think that your new Ferrari is more dithering donkey than prancing horse - slow off the mark and a bit hairy on the bends - not what it was cracked up to be at all. So, what are you to do?
Believe it or not, there are some poor souls out there for whom this is a real dilemma, people for whom an exotic car such as the F360 Modena is just not quick enough. For these performance junkies, specialist tuners whose business is to tweak top-of-the-range sportsters from Ferrari, Porsche, Mercedes, BMW and others.
In the case of the Ferrari, a German company called Novitec Rosso will attach a bi-supercharger to give the engine a bit more ooomph - 606 bhp of ooomph, in fact. Some people just don't know when to stop. Just as well the company fits uprated, ceramic brakes as part of the deal.
Dirk Moersdorf of Novitec in Stetten, which nestles between Munich and the Swiss border, is living proof that such a market exists. "Not all of our customers look for a completely modified and tuned car," he says. "We sell a lot of single parts from our programme, such as wheels and tyres, aerodynamic parts, suspension kits, interior trims and exhaust systems."
So, plenty of scope for Ferrari owners who wish to make their supercars that little bit more distinctive?
Moersdorf stresses that his company takes great care not to change the basic design of the cars they tune. "The Modena is already one of the beautiful modern cars in standard form. Novitec Rosso parts have a technical purpose but they blend into the overall design."
So who buys a Ferrari, decides it's not quite fast enough, and takes it to specialist tuner to be souped up? Novitec tunes Ferraris, not only for German enthusiasts, but for customers "from all over the world, including the US, Singapore, Dubai and South Korea. We have customers who bring us their brand-new F360, but some buy their car directly from us. We also modify a lot of used cars."
What kind of performance can one expect from 606 bhp-worth of tuned Ferrari? In a word, awesome. Novitec Rosso's bi-turbo steroid treatment will catapult the Modena from 0-62 in 3.7 seconds, before it finally runs out of puff at 214 mph.
Each marque has a loyal brand of adherents and, wherever they are, the tuners aren't far behind. Mercedes, for example - the forthcoming SLK 350 is a pretty powerful piece of kit. Electronically limited to 155 mph, it boasts a 0-62 time of 5.5 seconds from its newly developed 268 bhp, 3.5 litre, V6 engine. For those who aren't content with that, Mercedes in-house tuner AMG provides a 5.5 litre version. Its 355 bhp powerplant is capable of seeing 62 mph in 4.9 seconds, which is very quick indeed.
Even this, it seems, is not enough for Brabus, a tuner which seems to find AMG's efforts a bit conservative. Its solution is to increase the motor's capacity to 6.1 litres, pushing power up to 439 bhp, seeing 60 in 4.3 seconds. Top speed is electronically limited to 190 mph.
Brabus, however, does claim that its engine "exhibits exemplary smoothness and environmental friendliness in addition to its excellent performance". So, Swampy and his eco-warrior buddies needn't worry then - it's all environmentally friendly. Well, maybe not . . . but, hey, don't cows produce more of our greenhouse gases than cars anyway?
Porsche is another unlikely candidate for the go-faster treatment. The famous marque's tuners offer both engine and body conversions for the 911 - and the Cayenne, the firm's new arrival onto the burgeoning 4x4 bandwagon.
Two such tuners are German company Strosek, and Rinspeed of Switzerland. Both up power outputs of most of Porsche's range: Strosek claims an increase of almost 70 bhp on the base 911 Carrera (based on 996 series, the new 997 having been just introduced in July this year), while Rinspeed offers a more sensible 20 bhp upgrade on its version, still enough in a car capable of over 170 mph off the shelf.
What's more fascinating than mere performance figures, though, is a particular Rinspeed take on the Cayenne. Those who don't consider 4x4s vulgar enough are - in this writer's opinion anyway - thoughtfully catered for with the, ahem, striking Rinspeed Chopster. With its much-reduced ground clearance, the Chopster would not be much use carrying lambs across a muddy field. Indeed, with its "chopped" roof and two-fewer doors, it might even be difficult fitting them in. So what's the target market for this one?
Rinspeed's chief, Frank Rinderknecht, told Motors that the Chopster was a "project" for one of its customers from the Middle East. "We hope to have it ready by the end of the year or the beginning of 2005," he says. "We hope to find more buyers in the meantime as it would amortise the costs much more efficiently." School-run mums take note, though - the Chopster is expected to cost between €325,000 and €375,000 in Switzerland. Now add Irish VRT.
Spending that kind of money in order to make a statement - what, exactly, we can't say - looks rather costly. Some cash-savvy BMW fans have found a much cheaper way of doing this through the simple expedient of sticking an M badge to the back of their pride-and-joys. The letter denotes BMW's M-Sport division, which is the Beemer equivalent of Merc's AMG.
By placing this sporty symbol on their relatively humble base models, unscrupulous types are, in fact, making imposters of their cars, creating the impression that they are driving something which is far more expensive, and far faster. However, the only M versions produced by BMW are on the 3- and 5-Series.
Owners of 7-Series models had better start looking for a suitable letter B - the B7 is top tuner Alpina's version of the car. The Beemer-tweaker somehow achieves the impossible by wringing supercar-coupé performance out of a large luxury liner. While nobody would describe a 7-Series car as slow, this discreet 4.3 litre rocket will see 62 mph in 4.6 seconds . . . a figure to embarrass even genuine BMW M-Sport owners.
The final verse in this ode to excess must surely go to the MTM Bimoto TT. Although built for the racetrack, MTM describes the Audi TT conversion as alltagstauglich - suited to everyday use. Potential buyers, however, should take care not to buy any frozen food items when doing the shopping, because MTM has felt it necessary to fit a 365 bhp engine into the space that normally comprises the boot. This, in tandem with the one in the front, gives a total of 730 bhp in an overall package weighing 1,490 kg.
Clearly, there is no shortage of options for the cash-rich seeking a greater challenge in keeping penalty points off their licences. But what would the insurance companies, never mind Séamus Brennan, make of it all?
Thomas Brosnan, of AA Roadwatch, said that Irish insurers would most likely classify such vehicles as "modified" and, whatever the modification was, the insurer would take a case-by-case approach to accessing risk and premium.
So, if you're thinking of splashing out on extra power for your supercar, a quick call to the insurance company would seem to be in order. Then again, if anyone has that kind of money, is it really going to be an issue?
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A TUNE MAKES: Examples of the art ...
MERCEDES - BRABUS (Germany):
Maybach 57: Power, 543 bhp; 0-60mph, 5.2 secs: Top speed, 155 mph.*
Brabus Maybach 57: Power, 630 bhp; 0-60mph, 4.9 secs: Top speed, 186mph.*
Mercedes SLK 350: Power, 268 bhp; 0-60mph, 5.6 secs: Top speed, 155mph.*
Mercedes SLK55 AMG: Power, 355 bhp; 0-60mph, 4.9 secs; Top speed 155mph.*
Brabus SLK 6.1: Power, 439 bhp; 0-60mph, 4.3 secs; Top speed, 190mph.*
Mercedes SL 500: Power, 306 bhp; 0-60mph, 6.3 secs: Top speed, 155mph.*
Mercedes SL 55 AMG: Power, 500 bhp; 0-60mph, 4.7 secs: Top speed, 155mph.*
Brabus SL 6.3: Power, 631 bhp; 0-60mph, 4.2 secs: Top speed, 190 mph.*
PORSCHE - STROSEK (Germany), RINSPEED (Switzerland)
Standard Porsche 911 Carrera: Power, 325 bhp; 0-60mph, 4.9 secs: Top speed, 177 mph.
Strosek Porsche 911 Carrera: Power, 395 bhp; 0-60mph, 4.4 secs: Top speed, 190mph.
Standard Porsche Cayenne Turbo: Power, 450 bhp; 0-60mph, 5.6 secs: Top speed, 165 mph.
Rinspeed Cayenne Chopster: Power, 600 bhp; 0-60mph, 4.9 secs: Top speed, 181 mph.
BMW - ALPINA (Germany)
Standard BMW 760i: Power, 445 bhp; 0-60mph, 5.5 secs: Top speed, 155 mph.*
Alpina B7: Power, 500bhp; 0-60mph, 4.6 secs: Top speed, 186 mph.
Standard BMW Z4 3.0i: Power, 231 bhp; 0-60mph, 6.2 secs: Top speed, 155 mph.*
Alpina Roadster S: Power, 300 bhp; 0-60mph, 5.1 secs: Top speed, 172 mph.
AUDI - MTM (Germany)
Audi TT 3.2: Power, 247 bhp; 0-60 mph, 6.5 secs: Top speed, 155 mph.*
MTM Bimoto TT: Power, 729 bhp; 0-60mph, 3.5 secs: Top speed, 224 mph.
A3 3.2: Power, 247 bhp; 0-60 mph, 6.5 secs: Top speed, 155 mph.*
MTM S3: Power, 371 bhp; 0-60mph, 4.5 secs: Top speed, 175 mph.
Audi RS6 Quattro: Power, 444 bhp; 0-60 mph, 4.7 secs: Top speed, 155 mph.*
MTM RS 6: Power, 404 bhp; 0-60mph, 5.8 secs: Top speed, 180 mph.
FERRARI - NOVITECH (Germany)
Standard Ferrari F360: Power, 400 bhp; 0-60mph, 4.5 secs; Top speed, 190mph.
Novitec Rosso Ferrari F360: Power, 606 bhp; 0-60mph, 3.7 secs; Top speed, 214mph.
* denotes electronically limited