A modern bridesmaid requires military organisational skills, plus loads of lipstick and the ability to wear a smile for two, maybe three days. Fionola Meredith prepares for (somebody else's) marriage.
Looking back, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. When my dearest friend asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, I blithely agreed. After all, it would involve little more than trotting meekly down the aisle in the wake of her bridal glory, perhaps keeping an eye on a couple of sweet, curly-headed flowergirls as I toyed with a glass of champagne. No problem. I could choke back my feminist scruples about all the coy frills and furbelows that disguise the grim patriarchal nature of the marriage ceremony - for one day, anyway. And while I might have to wear a less-than-flattering dress, surely I could put up with swathing myself in a few layers of chiffon for the sake of my best pal?
Later, at the bridalwear shop, shivering pathetically in my underwear as a brisk matron manhandled me into the fifth of a series of repellently garish, ill-fitting gowns, I began to question my judgment. Spilling inelegantly out of a fuchsia nightmare of a dress - gaping zip exposing acres of flesh - is a profoundly dispiriting experience. I don't think "buxom milkmaid" is the right look for any aspiring bridesmaid.
It seems that most bridesmaids' dresses are designed to fit the proportions of a pre-pubescent gymnast rather than the more ample charms of the average woman. It's a problem that Josie Egginton of Fairytale Brides in Delvin, Co Westmeath, encounters all the time. "If you buy size 18 in Dunnes, in a bridal shop you'll be size 22-24. I explain this to all our customers, and I have a poster up in the shop about it, too. Some girls are terrified when they come in. But I always tell them - 'you wear the dress, don't let the dress wear you'." She advises bigger bridesmaids not to cover up their curves, but to go for a more revealing style. "The bare look does work for a bigger girl. It's more elegant, and it deflects from the rest of you. You don't see the fat shoulders."
Sharon Moen, from Armagh, knows what it's like to suffer the ignominy of wearing an over-the-top bridesmaid's outfit. When her sister decided on a winter wedding, Moen was asked to follow her up the aisle wearing a furry white cape and matching hat, and a pair of bright red shoes. "It's the bride's day," says Moen, "and I know you can't have the bridesmaid looking as good as the bride. But I was expecting to look gorgeous as a bridesmaid, and I ended up feeling ridiculous. I looked like something out of a pantomime." Sharon is getting married in Corfu in May, and - perhaps influenced by the jolly festive look previously imposed on her - has decided to keep things simple.
But it turns out the challenge of finding a suitable dress is the least of a bridesmaid's concerns. A quick glance through a bridal magazine turns up a long and comprehensive list of duties. These days, being a BM requires the organisational skills of a military general, but with more lipstick - and a ready supply of tissues. She's expected to arrange the hen party, help choose the wedding outfits, make up favours, and keep track of all wedding gifts and givers. On the day itself, she'll be rushing around dressing the bride, helping her in and out of the car, getting her going away outfit ready, and monitoring her closely for smudged mascara or the dreaded VPL (visible panty line). All this must be accomplished with grace, patience and serenity, so she's fresh as a daisy - not hot, bad-tempered and itching to slap a flowergirl - when it's time to follow the bride and groom on to the dance floor with the best man.
"In essence, the bridesmaid is the bride's right-hand woman," says Fiona Fagan, editor of www.weddingsonline.ie. She advises brides to take care when it comes to sizing someone up for the position. "You will need a friend and confidante throughout the months of planning, someone who will support and cheer you up when the stress of all the preparation gets too much, and who will tell you truthfully what she thinks of the dress you are considering. Trust is a huge issue. A great bridesmaid will see crises before they happen and eliminate them without you even knowing they existed."
Bridesmaids overwhelmed by the demands of their role now have a vast quantity of resources to draw on. They can calm their frayed nerves with a quick flick through The Bridesmaid's Guerilla Handbook: Step by Step Down the Aisle and Beyond. Or they can log on to www.bridesmaidaid.com, "a one-stop information source for the 21st-century bridesmaid". According to the website's co-founder Ellen Horowitz, "the perfect bridesmaid shows up with a smile on her face and participates in the wedding graciously. Sure, she may hate her bridesmaid dress or be mortified at the idea of participating in a bouquet toss, but she does it with good humour. No matter what the embarrassment may be, she remembers that it is only one day of her life and it will all be over soon."
The website also has some great ideas for recycling the dress after the wedding. Why not make some pretty sofa cushions or, as one visitor to the site suggests: "Wear it every year on the couple's anniversary and show up, unannounced, on their doorstep to remind them of your misery."
Now, will it be one bridesmaid or two? Or maybe even three or four? That's one of the first questions for a bride to consider. Ciara Elliott, editor of the Irish bridal magazine, Confetti, says that younger brides still tend to go for a massive ceremony, surrounded by hordes of bridesmaids. But she warns, "if you have more than one bridesmaid, the whole thing can spiral out of control. You might think you'll get more help, but more bridesmaids simply mean more stress." And that's before the cost of a huge bridal party is added in. Multiply the cost of one dress (plus the essential bridesmaid's gift) by four and you're looking at a bill of thousands of euros.
Playing the selfless, quietly supportive role of humble handmaiden does not come easily to some bridesmaids. The chatrooms of wedding websites are full of brides letting off steam about stroppy BMs who fail to turn up to dress fittings, or try to hog the limelight at the wedding itself. Elliott says that brides can feel quite usurped on their big day by attention-seeking bridesmaids.
But bridal expectations can be unrealistic, too. Some autocratically-inclined brides-to-be treat their BMs like a flock of unpaid personal assistants, asking them to take on countless hours of fiddly chores, and regarding any resistance as a failure of commitment or friendship. For these women, it's not just about being queen for a day: they enjoy a pre-nuptial dictatorship lasting months, with some insisting that bridesmaids grow their hair long, lose weight, whiten their teeth, or find a solution to their acne problem. (After all, if you've gone to infinite lengths to ensure a flawless wedding, you don't want a pimply face spoiling the glossy photographs.) And woe betide the BM who falls pregnant. It's hardly surprising that some bridesmaids can't stick such a demanding course.
But it seems that Jenny Kelly just can't get enough of being a bridesmaid. She's a BM veteran of three weddings, and she'll be doing the honours for a fourth bride in September. "They say three times a bridesmaid, never a bride," says Jenny. "So I've given up hope now. I'll be like Miss Havisham coming down the aisle." Kelly's success in the role seems to be down to a combination of assertiveness and excellent organisational skills. "One bride initially suggested the bridesmaids wear these snot-green skirts, but I absolutely refused, and we ended up getting beautiful outfits."
In the past, Kelly has stepped in to avert disaster when arguments over the seating plan threatened to derail wedding plans - "you just sit down and sort it out in half an hour" - and she has also intervened in rows over guest lists. And she's breezily unfazed when things do go wrong on the day itself. "I remember walking down the aisle with the price tag left on my skirt," she laughs.
Ciara Elliott thinks that the term bridesmaid itself is starting to become as unfashionable as the now almost redundant matron of honour. "It's a bit of a naff word, isn't it? People are getting married later - the average age of a bride is 31 - and many don't want their friends flouncing down the aisle behind them dressed in taffeta. As people get older, the big ceremony loses its sheen, and they tend to go for something more minimal."
Part of this more grown-up approach to weddings has been the gradual rise of the "best woman", now supplanting the bridesmaid at many Irish weddings. In essence, the best woman still carries out the role of the bridesmaid, but she tends to have more control over her wedding outfit and, like the best man, is expected to make a speech. Jenny Kelly spontaneously addressed the wedding party at her sister's wedding. "Yes, I did make a mushy speech. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine, and I just felt an overwhelming sense of emotion. I'd been there since the couple met. I'm glad I did it."
But many bridesmaids are happy to stick to their traditional roles. Sisters Caitriona and Olivia Wallace from Balbriggan, Co Dublin, plan to do the honours for each other. Yesterday Caitriona acted as maid of honour (or chief bridesmaid) at Olivia's wedding, and in five months' time Olivia will return the favour, acting as matron of honour at Caitriona's wedding. The sisters live two doors away from each other in Balbriggan, and their fiancés are best friends. Even the hardiest wedding cynic couldn't deny the romance of that.
Having learnt to tell the difference between fuschia, persimmon and chartreuse bridesmaid dresses (and to reject them all), and having been initiated into the mysteries of fake tan and invisible undergarments, I will be ready to follow my old friend up the aisle in July. I'll be glad to make sure she has a deliriously happy day. And soon afterwards, my sofa will be adorned by two new cushions in a fetching shade of sky-blue satin.