FEATURE:China's current generation of young women live affluent liberated lives their parents cannot even begin to imagine. However, that doesn't stop them desperately seeking a husband – which means matchmaking is big business, writes CLIFFORD COONAN
THERE IS AN OLD Chinese saying: “The daughter of an Emperor does not have to worry about finding a husband.” But even these days, when rising economic wealth and dramatic improvements in the status of women have produced many millions of Emperor’s daughters, plenty are worried about finding a husband.
They are a generation known as the “leftover women”, many of them well-educated urban dwellers who have not found a husband by their mid-twenties or thirties. They are harangued by their parents when they leave their comfortable lives in the cities to visit the family home. Their married friends and colleagues patronise their singleton status. A Chinese version of Bridget Jones, these women may be living postmodern lives in China’s boomtowns, but they have the weight of thousands of years of tradition on their shoulders.
“I think it’s partly because the city I live in is not big like Beijing and Shanghai. Girls in those cities are fine, even if they are left over, because they have busy lives, making a career, and live far away from their parents, so the pressure is much less than I get here,” says Li Man, who was born in 1981 and lives in Hefei, in Anhui province.
“Really, people in my city have a very limited world view. Not many understand my feelings about love and life. It’s a pity.”
Leftover women in China are often called the “3S women” – ‘single’, born in the ‘seventies’ and ‘stuck’. But even those born in the 1980s are feeling the heat.
These are independent women who don’t need to rely on men. They have carved out great careers during China’s economic boom. They drive cars, own apartments, live lives their parents cannot even begin to imagine.
Li gets all manner of knowing looks and snide remarks from her parents, and her parents’ friends, who see her as a classic leftover girl.
“I don’t care whether others see me as a leftover girl or not. I think leftover girls are very independent, can make their own decisions and do not need a man so much. Maybe this is one reason boys sometimes feel frustrated with us. My boyfriend, who is a little younger than me, sometimes feels his pride is hurt when others say I’m stronger than him,” she says.
She wants to get married but wants to marry the right person, rather than ending up getting divorced. Sometimes she considers getting out of Anhui but, as an only child, she has to look after her parents – another common problem for this generation of single women.
Xiang Jianxin of the Baihe dating agency is in the love business. He says his company has a success rate of around 80 per cent.
“Many of our clients meet, have a relationship for six or seven months, then get married,” says Xiang, who worked in communications and gave up his own successful business to become involved in this “auspicious” field. It worked for him – he found his soulmate through the group’s database, as did one of the group’s founders.
In Baihe’s HQ, there are various meeting rooms. The group claims to have received 20 million visits, a number it hopes to increase to 100 million.
“A long time ago, the matchmaking person, or meipo, was the way to meet your soulmate. Now our industry is a sunshine industry because of the internet,” says Xiang.
So, what do women want?
“Well, wealth is a basic requirement, but they also want someone who is optimistic, with good manners, wisdom and humour. They wish to have an exquisite life,” he says.
Of prime concern to women is whether the man has a good moral character – and whether or not he has a temper. Economic conditions come third, followed by ability to work, educational level, and family background. Looks are way down the list.
“A woman wants to marry a man who is superior to her. Reform has been going on for a long time, but this is still rooted in traditional thinking. Men want to show more responsibility. If his wife is more responsible or powerful than him, a man will feel awkward. That’s why 40 per cent of women on our books are very worried about not being suitable. Women do get panicked as they get older but they are not prepared to lower their standards,” says Xiang.
Around half of the company’s clientele are women of 28 or older. Among men, the majority are 35-plus. However, in the Baihe database there are 16 women for every man, an incredible statistic when you consider that the birth ratio is heavily skewed towards boys, especially in the countryside, where in some places there are 132 boys born for every 100 girls.
“Within our database, men are more valuable, and good men are hard to find. The high demand from women means the relationship market is unbalanced in structure,” says Xiang.
Clients range from ordinary office workers to rich executives. Most working people use online services, while richer people prefer face-to-face meetings.
“China is not so different from Europe or other regions. Women are under more and more pressure – and they have no time. Some Chinese women get up at 6am and get home at 8pm. I met one very successful real estate developer worth hundreds of millions of yuan, but she has no success in relationships because she is shy. She couldn’t handle the difference between working and family life,” he says.
Ms He, a 28-year-old Sichuan native who works for a securities company, says of course she wants to get married.
“It’s very important for a woman after all. I have a boyfriend right now but, to be honest, he’s not the one for life,” she says, adding that it is difficult for women her age to meet people and get to know new men.
“My work means I’m in the office all the time, and it’s not appropriate to have an office romance. Some of my family and friends try to make matches for me, but I don’t think I can keep it hidden from my current boyfriend. I dont know what to do.
“I should be married by now, I know it. Many of my friends went back to work in their hometowns after graduation. Most of them got married and many have children already. I feel pressure every time I go back hometown to see my old friends.”
And parents really do worry. In parks in downtown Beijing on certain days you can see a gang of fiercely gesticulating middle-aged Chinese parents waving carefully composed adverts listing the wonderful qualities of their children of marriageable age. The sight is enough to strike horror into the heart of any urban professional singleton.
There are upwards of 6,000 online dating sites, and 130 million users. Venture capitalists are queuing up to put money into what they see as potentially one of the most lucrative online growth industries in China.
Within the ancient traditional Confucian structure, matchmaking was traditionally carried out by the hong niang, or “auspicious red mother” and, even in the bustling financial capital Shanghai, 7 per cent of couples say they met through the work of a matchmaker.
China has 20,000 traditional matchmaking agencies and clubs, employing about 200,000 people. The Chinese government even regulates the industry through the Marriage Matchmaking Services Committee of China Social Work Association, no less.
Some matchmaking situations can be pretty extreme and very New China. Last year, the matchmaking organisation, Golden Bachelor, organised the capital’s most expensive party ever – a matchmaking ball with tickets costing 100,000 yuan (€10,000) a head.
Attending the lavish affair at Beijing Jun Wang Fu, a luxury hotel near Chaoyang Park known for its Qing Dynasty-style décor, was a privileged group of 21 single billionaire men and 22 single women.
Li Xian, 59, is the mother of a 34-year-old “leftover girl”.
“I’m so worried about her,” she says. “Yes, I know that ‘leftover girls’ are highly educated with good jobs and nice lives, but to me, a woman’s life without a family is not perfect at all, no matter how many career goals you reach.
“I don’t agree with ‘bachelordom’ either. Everyone, whether they are a man or a woman, should obey the laws of nature,” she says.
“My daughter is a girl with a very strong mind, and I can’t persuade her to do anything. I just want to encourage her to find a man who loves her more than she loves him. I’ve already lived more than half of my life; I can see things in life better. If you can find the combination of love and a fine life together, that’s perfect– but if not, I think a good life is more important than love.”
At the same time, she never feels ashamed when she hears people talking about her daughter’s single status.
“I’m proud of her achievements up to now, and I believe she knows what she wants and she is getting to know the man she wants to know. All the leftover girls will get their final happiness!”
Song Zheng, born in 1979, is a petite, pretty woman from Harbin. She has a Master’s degree and lives in Beijing. She married earlier this year.
“I only knew my husband six months before we got married. It was a bit of a rush. Half of the reason I got married was because of the pressure from family and relatives, and half because of my own needs,” says Song.
“I know there is no way I would ever settle for the single life: it was only a question of timing. So why not get married now?” she says.
“I’m already 30 years old, so I’m not a little girl anymore, only looking for true love in a relationship. I really appreciated my husband’s insistence on us getting married because he moves me and he is so serious about us staying together and never giving up.
“He is the first man who wanted to marry me so much, which makes me feel proud and warm. He is good to me.”
The blogger Dong Dongqiang, born in 1982, says the belief is that a woman’s Golden Age is shorter than a man’s.
“Most people choose to be single. The nature of single people in China’s cities is a bit like unemployment in China these days. There are always job vacancies, but some people would rather be unemployed than earn five yuan a day, for example. They think their contribution is worth far more than their earnings,” he says.
