My libido is suffering because I feel undermined at work

PROBLEM: I am a 62-year-old man, and have enjoyed a fantastic marriage for 30 eight years, with three grown-up children.

I am still working and in the past six months my work has become quite stressful following the merger with another larger company, and for the first time since I was young I have a boss who is 30 years younger than me and while very good at the technological aspects of the business, has little experience and a lot of the time I feel undermined.

My wife, however, is enjoying a very active retirement and has become involved in all sorts of community activities. The problem is that recently when I come home from work I do not feel like I want to be intimate; it is of course no reflection on her.

She goes to a lot of effort to engage and seduce me, but to no avail, I am not impotent just tired and at night when I go to bed I just want to read and then sleep.

I explained that I loved her very much and found her attractive. I do dearly want our sex life to continue and attended my GP who checked my hormone levels which were all within range .The doctor said it could be psychological.

I am worried that if I cannot meet her needs she will either find someone else or that it will alter our emotional relationship irrevocably.

ADVICE: Reading your letter suggests to me that you are doing everything you can to avoid looking at the real problem. Focusing on your long and "fantastic" relationship instead of your experience at work is to deny the cause of your distress.

Your libido is sinking because you are so stressed at work. The world following a merger/takeover is a desperately anxious one; one where there is little foundation for you and one where there are huge levels of insecurity.

It seems you feel that your knowledge and expertise have been relegated to the scrapheap and you ended up in this position without preparation or support.  In a merger, there are often too many people for the same position and someone has to be pushed to one side and no amount of gloss can take the pain out of this position.

Your body is reflecting what is going on: lack of confidence, exhaustion, anxiety and fear.  Desire can be squashed by fear and your body is retreating from further exposure by shutting down and withdrawing into itself. Building your confidence and faith in yourself is essential and perhaps this needs to happen at a behavioural as well as an emotional level.

Focus on the work situation in one of two ways. Firstly, consider taking early retirement or look for a redundancy package. Both of these options are a normal part of the process following a merger.

It may feel a little early for you to consider this but a crisis always offers options that might otherwise not present for a long time. Your wife has already found the pathway to a full and engaging retirement so you will have expertise and support at your side.

Retirement

It is widely acknowledged that men find retirement difficult but not insurmountable and if you put your whole self into the decision you will find that many interesting doors will open up for you.

Secondly or alternatively, instead of resenting your boss, perhaps sell your expertise to him/her and show them how you can help with the business. You know that your experience and knowledge outstrips theirs but your insecurity might be blocking you from enjoying this position.

Take the position of suggesting that they will only have you around for a few years, so how can they get what is best out of you?  In our 60s, the task is to “give back” to society and this comes in the form of offering all that we have learned for the benefit of the world.

Give freely with the aim of freeing yourself up for the next stage of life. All the research suggests that we are at our happiest from the ages of 65 to 75 (see TILDA research, Trinity college) so prepare yourself for this time of wellbeing and lightness.

Desire requires us to focus outwards and it is curtailed by self-criticism and self-focus. Do not rush intimacy with your wife but instead take a courting approach: go on dates, look into her eyes, enquire about her inner thoughts and delight in her being.

Do not demand your body perform but allow it to emerge and engage with her at its own pace and timing. You both have a long time in front of you to connect physically and emotionally and enjoy every step of the way.