Living in a big house, sleeping late and working on his golf game – what's not to like? ROSS O'CARROLL-KELLYlaunches his bid for the presidency
SO I’M sitting at the bor in Kiely’s, wrapping myself around a couple of cheeky Monday afternoon pints, replaying Sunday’s match in my mind and thinking about what a difference I could have made to Ireland’s performance had I not poured all of my talent into the trough in the gents in this place.
"Look at that," I suddenly hear the old man's voice go. I turn around. He's standing there with Hennessy. "Your glass is almost empty, Ross. We must get you a refill. Barman, give Ross here another of his famous laggers. And my solicitor and I will have our usual."
Hennessy – who thinks I’m a waste of space, remember – storts being weirdly nice to me. “So, what are you up to?” he goes.
"If I know my son," the old man goes, "he'll have been sitting here thinking about what a difference he could have made to Ireland's performance had it not been for injuries, bad luck and the sheer bloody-mindedness of one or two Irish coaches whose names I couldmention but won't."
I’m like, “Okay, you two are seriously weirding me out. What’s going on here?”
It’s only then that the old man decides to spill. “Okay, you remember, a few weeks ago, I told you I was planning to run for the presidency. Then there was all that – inverted commas – hoo-ha about certain comments I may or may not have made in a newspaper interview when I was a member of Dún Laoghaire-Rathdown County Council.”
“You said that unemployed people should be only allowed to have one child, like in China.”
“It was something of that order, yes. Cards on the proverbial table, Ross – my plan was to withdraw from the campaign, spend a couple of weeks working on my handicap with your godfather here in Sandy Lane, then come home and heed the public clamour for me to re-enter the race . . . ”
“But there hasn’t been any public clamour.”
“I know. I was quite surprised by that. But then Hennessy and I got to wondering . . . ”
It’s Hennessy who actually says it. “How would you feel about running for the presidency yourself?”
I end up nearly spitting beer all over the two of them. I’m like, “Me?”
“Why not?” the old man goes. “It hasn’t escaped my attention that you have a certain popularity. Especially among the ladies. Fionnuala and I had to switch on the powerhose, Hennessy, to get them away from the house.”
“But I’m, like, a total idiot,” I go.
"But there's nothing tothe job. You'll just be living in a big house, sleeping late and working on your own golf game. Hennessy and I will be the real power behind the throne. In the manner of Campbell and the chap Mandy."
“Hang on – do I not have to be, like, 35 to run?”
“According to your passport, you are.”
“Dude, I doctored that when I went on my J1. What about my birth cert – won’t they ask for that?”
Hennessy smiles at me. “Hey, it’s been looked after,” he goes.
They’re so dodgy, the two of them.
I’m like, “What about policies? Don’t I need to, like, say shit?”
The old man produces three sheets of A4 paper. “That’s been looked after too,” he goes. “Here, Ross, is your vision for Ireland’s future.” I knock back a mouthful of the Dutch master and I read it slowly. When I’m finished, I go, “What kind of shekels come with this?”
“Something in the order of €325,000 per year,” the old man goes. I’m just there, “Sold.”
Hennessy goes, “Ross, go home to bed now – and prepare for the presidency.
Ross's 11-point plan
1. Forgive us, this day, our mortgage debt
During the years of the Celtic Tiger, Irish people were encouraged to buy things from maps – whether it was maps of muddy fields in makey-up places, such as Lucan and Tormonfeckin, or maps of Eastern Europe and makey-up countries, such as Bulgaria and Lithuania. They were assured by just about everyone that they’d be mad not to – in fact, the exact opposite was the case.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly is in favour of mortgage forgiveness for anyone who bought investment properties that they’ve never actually seen.
2. It’s time to repopulate rural Ireland
Decentralisation is a thorny subject that successive governments have attempted to grasp but failed. Ross O’Carroll-Kelly is fully in favour of re-populating the south and west of Ireland. For a start, anyone who’s from Leinster but supports the Munster rugby team should be forced to go and live there immediately.
3. Tough on England rugby captains, tough on the causes of England rugby captains
In 2003, Martin Johnson reduced President Mary McAleese – and millions of other Irish people – to tears when he forced her to walk on the grass at Lansdowne Road. As president, Ross O’Carroll-Kelly will take no shit from England rugby captains, especially those with faces like inside-out arses.
On official business, he will be accompanied by a new presidential guard, who will be authorised to Taser any English rugby player who refuses to move when he’s told.
4. Save Superquinn in Blackrock and Ireland’s other special heritage sites
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly recognises that there are landmarks of unique historical interest in Ireland that must be preserved as part of our rich cultural heritage. Renards, Superquinn in Blackrock, and the Berkeley Court Hotel should be acquired by the Government and kept open to the public, with the same special heritage status as the Rock of Cashel, the passage tomb at Newgrange and the ancient stone fort of Dún Aengus. And the same with the corner of Croke Park where Shane Horgan scored against England in 2007.
5. My new underground plan for Dublin
Dublin is a city that has expanded at a rate of knots in recent years, often without the infrastructure to support that growth. Ross O’Carroll-Kelly is in favour of the underground plan for north Dublin. In fact, by the end of his presidency, he hopes that all of the northside of Dublin will be under the ground – bulldozing to commence in January, 2012.
6. New national anthem – why Ireland needs to change its tune
Let's be honest, Amhrann na bhFiannisn't doing it for us anymore – if it ever did! No one knows what a "bearna baoil' even is. And the invention of the word "sireland" just to find something to rhyme with "Ireland" has made us a laughing stock around the world.
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly believes that Ireland's Callshould be the new national anthem and – as such – played at all official functions. The line at the end of each verse referring to the "four proud provinces of Ireland" will be changed to "three proud provinces of Ireland (plus Munster)".
The presidential salute – played when the president arrives at an official engagement – will be changed to a simple high-five.
7. My solution to the housing crisis
Ireland’s housing bubble, once the envy of the world, has burst. Shrewsbury Road – where once they complained that the billionaires were forcing out the millionaires – is now the country’s most famous ghost estate.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly is in favour of allowing people who are forced to trade downwards in the property market to bring their postcodes with them when they move.
8. Special Area Order for north Dublin’s southsiders
Malahide, Howth, Clontarf and Portmarnock should be given the new postcode of Dublin 4N. Ringsend and Irishtown should be redesignated Dublin 4E. Or surrendered to the sea.
9. Gaelic football – what is it good for?
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly believes that Gaelic football is an integral part of Ireland’s cultural identity and, as such, should be preserved – with certain refinements to the rules.
The existing round ball will be replaced by an oval-shaped one, which can only be passed backwards. The “goal” will be replaced as a method of point-scoring, the new objective being to place the ball within a squared-off, rectangular area behind the opponent’s goal.
Teams will still be made up of 15 players but these will be divided into “backs” and “forwards”. When play is broken, the game will be restarted by a “lineout” or “scrum”. Further rule changes can be worked out later.
10. Rerouting the Liffey
Seismic activity within the Earth’s crust over the course of millions of years has resulted in a large number of Dubliners finding themselves marooned on the wrong side of the city’s river. Ross O’Carroll-Kelly believes that the Liffey should be rerouted to place Tallaght, Crumlin and Westmoreland Street on the north side of the city.
11. Eradicate poverty – or at least the evidence of it
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly believes that certain shops and businesses that have proliferated in the years since the end of Ireland’s economic boom have lowered the moral tone of the country – or at least that bit of the country that he’s familiar with, between Leeson Street Bridge and Foxrock Church.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly believes that cash-for-gold outlets – trading in everything from mismatched jewellery to gold fillings – as well as all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet restaurants prey, on the unfortunate in our society and should be closed.
He is also in favour of the forced closure of all foreign discount supermarkets here and supports his mother’s campaign group, Every Lidl Helps.
