SMALL PRINT:It's time to brush up on your horse-show etiquette in order to get the best out of this year's shindig. To help you, here's the smart person's guide to preparing for the Dublin Horse Show at the RDS
DO
Remember to instigate appropriate topics of conversation – how you’re so over restaurants offering scallops at Taste of Dublin this year, that you’d prefer if they served Dom Ruinart in the champagne bar, the nice two-bed apartment you picked up in the fire sale etc.
Flirt with important-looking stewards in order to get freebies.
Pretend you’re related to Philip Treacy and that he designed your hat for Ladies’ Day, which will dramatically increase your chances of winning Most Creative Hat.
Browse through the Student Art and National Craft Exhibition for up-and-coming artists and designers.
Skip the best-dressed competition (too hard) and focus on the most colourful outfit (right), which gets you a €3,000 Longines watch.
Try to actually get to know some of the names of the equestrian events.
Know the names of some riders, or at the very least the nationalities of the teams jumping.
DON’T
End every a sentence or observation with “no recession here then” and laugh uproariously.
Get caught in a compromising position with one of the Ukrainian Cossacks.
Try to emulate Princess Beatrice’s headgear, or worse, buy her Will and Kate wedding hat from the person who bought it on eBay.
Hit any of the 300 trade stalls after propping up the champagne bar, unless you want to wake up the next day having spent €1,000 on antique Irish linens and a bog oak sculpture of Shergar.
Remember there is a difference between “Most Colourful” and looking like an overzealous children’s TV presenter who raided a tie-dye warehouse.
Keep asking when “the jumpy one where they keep putting the wall higher” is on.
Bet.
