Arthur Guinness got married here, so maybe it's fitting that this church on Dublin's Mary Street should be reinvented as a bar. But a gastropub it is not, writes Tom Doorley
St Mary's is not the first church to be turned into a restaurant, and it won't be the last. Estate agents seem to think the Georgian age covers the period from the days of the Virgin Queen to the Edwardian era, but St Mary's is the real thing. A gem from the first half of the 18th century - that's the one starting with 1700; estate agents please note - it's where the first Arthur Guinness got married and where Wolfe Tone and Seán O'Casey were baptised.
Since 1998 it has been meticulously restored and sensitively converted into a series of bars and restaurants. It is a credit to John Keating, the publican who had the vision to take on the job.
Inscribed in ancient gold lettering behind where the altar once stood are the words "This Do in Remembrance of Me". This must look rather odd as hordes of young Dubliners throng the bar and down gallons of Budweiser. It seems even odder in the context of the food, although we must remember that the founder of Christianity probably wasn't a picky eater when it came to the Last Supper, having bigger issues on His mind.
Perhaps it's the scale of the place, perhaps it's the location, but I can't help feeling that the real object of this venture is simply pub business. True, besides the Ground Floor Bar there's the Cellar Bar & Cafe, where I ate, the Tower Bar & Cafe and the Gallery Restaurant, all with slightly different offerings, but a glance at the menus suggests that an opportunity is being lost.
Gastropubs are now a major feature of eating out in London, the idea being really good, chunky, adventurous food served in old boozers. So successful has this movement been that Marks & Spencer now has a "Gastropub" range of ready meals. The only example of this kind of eatery in Ireland that I can think of is Ballymore Inn, in Co Kildare. Nobody else seems to have elided "gastro" with "pub". John M Keating, as
St Mary's is now called, certainly has not.
No kitchen worthy of the name would let our starter of crab claws arrive at a table in the state they were in. Never mind the garlic butter, lemon juice and decent brown soda bread; the claws were as hard as the hob of hell. You had to work hard to tear out the flesh, whose texture was similar to plug tobacco. It made pemmican seem meltingly tender, and it didn't taste of crab. This was one of the most carelessly prepared items I've ever ordered.
Crispy cheese parcels, chunks of Brie and goat's cheese (why not just one of them?), were breaded, deep-fried and served with a cranberry sauce, as in the daring dinner-party starter of the mid 1970s. Not bad, but not very good, either.
A "steak burger" appeared from the menu to be a steak sandwich. I even asked our waitress if it involved a piece of meat, and she assured me that it did. I ordered it medium rare. It turned out to be a hamburger. Eating minced beef in anything other than a fully cooked state is asking for trouble, but, fortunately, my guest believed his constitution could withstand it. He rapidly snaffled the burger - and appeared reasonably content.
I appropriated his beef-and-Guinness pie, which had one over-riding flavour. Not beef, not Guinness but stock cube - or, as they say in the trade, bouillon powder. If there are other, more natural ways to get a stew to taste of packet oxtail soup, I am unaware of them.
A shared sticky-toffee pudding was neither sticky nor a pudding. It resembled a small steamed bun coated in a buff-coloured substance. It was appalling.
With a bottle of excellent Valpolicella, the bill came to €62.40.
John M Keating Bar, Cafe, Restaurant, Mary Street, Dublin 1, 087-6363738, www.jmk.ie
WINE CHOICE This is a good short list, with many wines sourced from Searsons. Our Zenato Valpolicella (€28) was silky and delicious. La Linda Viognier and La Linda Malbec (€22) are both excellent, attractively unusual Argentinians. Other slightly offbeat options include Cousiño-Macul Doña Isidora Riesling (€23) from Chile, Spy Valley Riesling (€30) from Marlborough and juicy Mills Reef Pinot Noir (€30). I always misread Bisol Prosecco as Bisodol, but it's a lovely Italian fizz for €35. Ultra-posh Louis Roederer Brut NV (€75) is the sole Champagne. Kumala Chenin-Chardonnay (€20) is too bland for me, but Graham Beck's Pinno Pinotage (€20.75) has an upfront charm.