People of Ireland! Your time has come. Our new improved SugarFix bar is now on sale, and it’s not just for children. It’s for you and everyone you know.
To support this exciting new line of confectionery, we will stand outside your house, screaming at your kids all day. We love billboard advertising. We also love the internet! We will sponsor your favourite TV programmes. Serious publications will reprint my lovingly-crafted press releases. And don’t forget us at crossword time.
Yes, Ireland will loosen its belt to SugarFix! Soon, you’ll wonder how you ever survived without us. Because we solve lots of problems. And speaking of problems, I want to talk about childhood obesity. Look! I’m talking about childhood obesity! It’s a major public-health issue, alongside global warming, tax, and microwave ovens that explode for no reason. But seriously, it’s not like our customers are starving to death.
Work out
Do you work out? I work out. Sometimes I grab a SugarFix on my way to the gym. As long as you live a complex, multi-factorial life, there is no way that SugarFix can be blamed for any of your disgusting illnesses. And if you’re fat, you too should hit the gym. In fact, how can you look at yourself in the mirror?
I have an expensive watch, so you can trust me. Plus, we employ thousands of Irish people, and I could sack them at any moment. So remember: there is no one cause of obesity. There are lots of causes. We call it multi-factorial. And I had no idea that sugar has addictive properties. Besides, if you think obesity has anything to do with something as innocuous as a €10 million advertising campaign, please note that SugarFix aggressively defends all threats to its corporate reputation.
So now you know the risks. Are you ready to sample the merchandise?
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