Shane Hegarty's encycolpedia of modern Ireland
Is your life stuck in a rut? Do you feel at a dead end? Do you yearn for a change of direction, a new career? You should turn to a life coach. Better still, you could turn into a life coach. You'd be a wow at dinner parties.
What do you do for a living, people would ask. I have a licence to interfere, you'd tell them. A certificate in bossiness. People pay me to pick them apart, then put them back together. And by the way, you'll never get that promotion if you insist on dressing like that.
Somehow, mankind evolved, survived and limped towards the 21st century despite being personally unfulfilled, having lank hair and making poor career choices. But, from the primordial soup of self-help books, spiritual guides and management gurus, has emerged the life coach. Instead of fixing little bits of you, they now offer to fix you. They wield the awesome power of jargon. "You need to refocus your core values, to stop being a someday person and re-energise in favour of a reality-based goal." Translation: "Stop fantasising and get off your arse." They can be your psychologist, priest, relationship counsellor, career-guidance expert and personal shopper all in one. If only they did a little light housework, too.
How did the Irish manage before? Life coaches would have been invaluable during moments of epic historical crisis. During the Famine, for instance, we could have relied on their invaluable services. If you want to get ahead of the teeming masses, they might have told us, you need to stand out from the crowd; some colour in your rags might help you get that coveted spot in the workhouse. Think positively, perhaps by considering some travel. Maybe your diet's affecting your well-being; had you thought about looking at that?
When life coaches are struggling with their careers and their life choices, though, whom do they turn to? Are there life coaches for life coaches, with the pyramid going ever upwards to one guru-like life coach at the top, who has sky high self-esteem, a great job yet time for the kids, but no friends, because everyone hates someone who's perfect?
There are now so many life coaches that it will not be long before each of us is in the job we want, with just the right work-life balance, a slimmer waist and a better partner. At which point the only option left will be to become a life coach. It's a good thing, then, that there are now many, many courses in life-coaching. It means we'll soon develop into a nation of life coaches, constantly advising each other. Grab life by the horns, we'll say. Be brave, unafraid. Seek a new direction. Unlock your potential. Choose a new career. Have you ever thought about getting out of life coaching?