Orna Mulcahy on people we all know.
Who the hell are Jenny and Dirk? That's what you ask yourself, year after year, when their Christmas card drops onto your hall mat. Inside, the pair of them with their unnaturally blond children, all wearing red cable knit sweaters, standing in front of a roaring fire somewhere in the Dakotas. Where did you meet them? Was it on the plane to New York that time, or are they friends of friends, or second cousins, or what? Surely you'd remember meeting someone called Dirk? And if you're not related, why are they telling you all this stuff about their family, as though you care? It's one of those Christmas conundrums.
Three pages later, you're none the wiser, but God, they're painful people. Painful and very successful. Dirk has made it to the corner office as divisional director and has his sights on the CEO's chair, though this might mean a move interstate, which would be a shame as they'd hate to leave Old Elmspring, where everyone has really pulled together since 9/11 ...
"Good news!! Rick has just made the track team, at last! Erin is playing trombone for the High School band and they're threatening to tour Europe this year, so watch out! She's working very hard to keep her grade point high enough to achieve her National Merit Scholarship, but she also finds time for lacrosse and ice-skating. Last, but not least, three-year-old Conor has just landed his first major onstage appearance in a Nativity play, and he's making good progress in Mandarin, a new scheme they got going at Kindergarten this year because, as we all know, the Chinese are going to take over the world, and our kids better be ready for the competition.
"Dirk had a health scare earlier in the year, we didn't say too much at the time, but thankfully the tumor was benign and we celebrated with a week in Hawaii. There was just time to unpack and pack again for the big event of the Fall, the Kelly clan gathering in Chicago - imagine 400 of us in a ballroom wearing matching sweatshirts. It was great to meet so many interesting people - who ever knew about Fred Kelly, who has a huge plastic surgery practice in New York, or Dan Kelly, who's a cook in the White House, or 86-year-old Dot Kelly, who once sat beside Marlene Dietrich on a bus in Hollywood.
"Well, folks, this was the year we decided to put something back into the community, and Jenny has given up the real-estate business and is now finally getting to finish her adult literacy program. We've just bought a toehold in Aspen, and are looking forward to spending the New Year there with friends. It needs a little renovation, but just as soon as it's finished, you all are welcome to stay."
What else can Jenny and Dirk tell you? "We've had terrible trouble with racoons this year, raiding the bins. Kim and Jim finally tied the knot and have now moved to Williamsburg to be near Sacha and Don, who have taken on the family dry cleaning business and are busy opening 10 new stores. Yep, it's been a busy year, but we're so thankful for our many blessings and hope that this finds you well and healthy, too. Here's wishing you a happy, holy and peaceful holiday season."
Straight into the bin with that.