Six ways to reboot your sex life in a relationship

What would it mean to invest in a pleasure-focused relationship with your body? What would it mean to focus on pleasure in your sexual life?

In her book Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good, Adrienne Maree Brown highlights how our relationship to pleasure has been hijacked by ideas of consumerism, encouraging us to spend money on products and clothes rather than focusing on our bodies and our embracing of natural joy and beauty.

“Pleasure is not one of the spoils of capitalism,” Brown writes. “It is what our bodies, our human systems, are structured for.” Her book is a rallying cry for the action of embracing pleasure and prioritising it.

Many women feel pressure to go along with sex that doesn’t prioritise their pleasure; and many men can fear exploring sexual activities or dynamics that are associated with submissiveness, tenderness, femininity or homosexuality, even if these activities or dynamics bring them pleasure.

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Committing to your own desires, pleasure and empowerment also means doing the work to dismantle damaging ideas and creating a new framework of pleasure, empowerment and respect for yourself and your partner.

Here are some pathways towards achieving those goals.

Get comfortable communicating

Open, honest communication is the key to fulfilling relationships and sexual interactions – and remember that communication involves listening as well as speaking. Start having more open conversations around sex and commit to enduring any initial awkwardness until it starts to feel like a natural and enriching way of approaching any intimate experience.

For some people, this may involve getting comfortable and confident expressing boundaries around sex and mentioning what aspects of sex they enjoy – and what aspects they do not want or consent to. It’s vital for everyone to remember that setting boundaries is not a harsh, restrictive or unsexy thing to do. Setting boundaries and being clear about what you don’t like means a partner can trust that your yes is confident and chosen.

Embracing clear, respectful and honest communication in your romantic life will lead to more honesty, trust and safety in all interactions, making sex safer and more fulfilling, with more room for exploration, play and fun.

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Embrace novelty and curiosity

Repeated research has shown that we experience time differently as we age, with time seeming to speed by as we get older. There are several reasons for this, one of which is how novelty and new experiences are processed in the brain: we pay greater attention and create more memories, making time feel like it’s moving more slowly. We can see this play out in our relationships, too, as the first weeks, months and years of a relationship are filled with new experiences as we get to know our partners.

But in a long-term relationship, if it feels like your time is disappearing into a speedy machine of routine and predictability, it’s time to embrace some novelty and curiosity – in the bedroom, and outside of it.

Sometimes, we don’t know what we want, and that’s where honesty, curiosity and safe exploration comes into play

It’s been shown that trying a new activity, learning something together or visiting somewhere new with your partner promotes bonding and fosters excitement and memory-making, as you both experience something new and see new sides of each other. Try to embrace this in your relationship and sexual life.

In your relationship, try to shake up your routine, take a class together, try to get away to a city you have never been. In your sexual life, try something new, whether that’s buying new sex toys, reading erotica together, switching up positions, or spending time exploring new ways of giving each other pleasure and playing with the types of touch, foreplay and communication you engage in.

Also remain curious about your own evolving pleasure – and that of your partner(s). One issue with the rhetoric around modern sexual life is the constant demand to “say what you want” – but sometimes, we don’t know what we want, and that’s where honesty, curiosity and safe exploration comes into play.

When you can tune into what is pleasurable and comfortable for you, and are comfortable communicating what feels good and what doesn’t, it’s safe and exciting to explore new things with a partner. Curiosity and clear communication are an irresistible and exciting combination that paves the way for discovering new facets of pleasure.

Make your bedroom feel sacred

It can be hard to keep some quiet, safe and sacred spaces in your life and home. Wherever possible, try to keep your bedroom as a space in which you don’t regularly do work. Think of the type of environment you want to create – one of relaxation and intimacy, and think of the ways you can promote this.

You may want to redecorate or invest in storage so there’s no distracting clutter. You may wish to implement a “no screens” or “no work” rule. Or you may want to invest in nice bedding, pyjamas and/or lingerie so that going to bed itself feels like a pleasurable and sensual act.

Investing in your bedroom will make it easier for couples to view it as a space of connection and intimacy, and to make the sex you have in the bedroom feel protected from the chaos and pressures of the outside world.

Make intimacy a daily part of your routine

For couples in long-term relationships, it can become easy to neglect smaller acts of physical and emotional intimacy outside of sex, but it’s been repeatedly shown that these smaller acts of intimacy build and improve lasting connections, as well as helping to maintain sexual and emotional desire between partners.

Remember to invest in regular acts of intimacy, including ones like going on dates, having conversations about your emotions and making time to connect. But also remember to invest in smaller acts of intimacy such as cuddling. Try to begin and/or end each day with a few minutes of holding each other. It has been shown that couples who hold each other and cuddle can help each other regulate their emotions and physical sensations, helping to alleviate stress and anxiety, and promote a feeling of closeness and intimacy.

Talk about the frequency and quality of the sex you are having, and whether you would like anything to change

Also remember to make physical intimacies like kissing a regular part of your daily routine – without trying to escalate to sex. When small acts of intimacy are used only as foreplay, some people may start to avoid them entirely in order to avoid a cycle of initiation and rejection. Embracing kissing and touching as acts that are important and enjoyable in their own rights will improve the overall feeling of affection in a relationship.

Take an inventory

If you’re in a couple, have an open conversation about the current state of play in your relationship and sex life. Ask and tell each other whether any of your desires or enjoyment levels have shifted, or if you have any new fantasies or activities you would like to try. Talk about the frequency and quality of the sex you are having, and whether you would like anything to change – for example, would it be worthwhile consciously scheduling some time for sex or physical affection to ensure it is prioritised, or does anything about your morning or bedtime schedule need to be shifted so you have more energy for sexual connection?

Also address the dynamics, communication and overall satisfaction in your relationship, looking at areas where you can try to invest or reconnect. Try to think about how you would like your emotional and sexual life to feel over the next year, instead of putting arbitrary demands on yourselves. So, for example, instead of saying “I would like us to have sex three times a week,” you could commit to prioritising connection and intimacy in your everyday life together and discuss how to get to that point.

Ensure your relationship is equal

A study published in Archives of Sexual Behaviour has confirmed a truth already felt in many heterosexual relationships: when men do not contribute equally to household chores, childcare and domestic work, their female partners experience less sexual desire for them.

This isn’t surprising; heteronormative gender roles that leave women doing the majority of domestic and care work leave women with less time, energy and mental space, which will naturally have an impact on their sex drive. But this dynamic also creates a parent/child dynamic within a relationship. If men are not acting like empowered, responsible, equal partners in a relationship, but children who need to be monitored, cared for and managed, it’s no wonder women don’t find that dynamic sexy.

When this study emerged, a number of media outlets framed this information as a sexual “hack” for men in relationships with women, telling men that if they wanted more sex, they should do more chores around the house. However, this framing reinforces the problem and does men a disservice, suggesting that they are purely driven by sex and reward, and doesn’t address the underlying and damaging issue of gender inequality, where women are still forced to convince men to treat them as equals.

Mutual equality in a relationship should be pursued for its inherent merits – and then the benefits for everyone can be enjoyed, including the reclaimed time, energy and shared feeling of respect which will strengthen a connection on mental, emotional and sexual levels.