THE LAST STRAW: A few years ago I was assigned by my editor to write an April Fool's story. This is a delicate mission in any newspaper, but especially in an organ as respectable as this, writes Frank McNally
On the one hand you don't want a story that's transparently fictitious and will be seen through instantly; but you also need to avoid anything that's too believable and could influence the stock markets. So, after narrowly rejecting a history-related spoof ("Graveyard vandals write Robert Emmet's epitaph") on grounds of bad taste, I took a safe option.
The story I wrote described how the Department of the Environment was considering the introduction of virtual driving tests as a way of dealing with the huge backlog for the real thing. The scheme would involve driving machines like those in amusement arcades, and would have the added benefit of being able to test reactions in simulated emergencies. Thus a virtual driver failing to brake in time could tail-end the brand new virtual BMW in front, with no real harm done, apart from test failure. The technology was "already used in Finland", I reported.
Unfortunately, the story was just too plausible. Nobody batted an eyelid about it, except one reader - possibly an entrepreneur - who rang me to ask where he could buy the machine. I told him the truth, apologetically; but for all I know, he bought it anyway and has been lobbying the department to introduce the scheme ever since.
As I discovered then, the problem facing the April Fool's story these days is that it's very hard to compete with the real news. For example, I still don't know for sure if anything I read this past week was a spoof, even though I've studied the newspapers using special spoof-detection glasses (made in Finland) that help you read between the lines. The best I can say is that a few stories were suspicious.
Take the report in the Herald Tribune's International Traveller section on Tuesday, under the headline "The Swaying Control Tower of Sweden". According to this, air traffic controllers at Sweden's biggest airport are experiencing "nausea and vertigo" because their new 83-metre tower sways in high winds. Prohibitive cost has prevented the Swedish aviation authority from stabilising the structure, so queasy controllers are instead being "sent downstairs to relax on firm ground" until they recover.
Amazingly, so far as I can establish, the story seems to stand up (we can only hope the tower does likewise). And I don't know if it's a coincidence, but the International Traveller section reported on Thursday that Stockholm Harbour is expecting a cruise-ship boom this summer, after hundreds of vessels booked berths in recent weeks. A spokeswoman credited the trend to worries about war in Iraq "and the fact that Stockholm is considered a safe city". But if I were travelling to Sweden at the moment, especially if it was any way windy, I'd be taking a ship too.
There was any number of real stories this week that could have been April Fool's. For example, Thursday's Daily Telegraph reported the exciting news that "after years of argument, scientists have concluded that elephants are capable of running". I know many of us have engaged in this debate at one time or another, especially after a few drinks. But apparently the confusion about elephants arises because, however fast a species moves, it is deemed to be walking so long as one or more feet is on the ground at any time.
Even in a stampede, you never see an elephant with all four legs off the ground (or if you do, you may need to change your medication); hence the traditional belief that they couldn't run. But a study of 42 elephants in Thailand has proved they can.
And this would have been an excellent April Fool's story, except that it is detailed in full in the latest issue of the respected journal, Nature. Plus the fact that scientists are disqualified from featuring in April fool's stories, because they're doing crazy things every day of the year.
Finally, back home, I read in this very newspaper that the Government is preparing legislation to revolutionise Ireland's drinking culture with the introduction, through licensing policy, of "continental, café-style bars". The proposed Bill is aimed at making us more like the French, by encouraging the sort of premises where, in the words of the Minister for Justice, you can "go for a cup of coffee and a croissant with someone who wants a glass of beer".
The minister is famous for his wacky sense of humour. But I checked the date on the paper, and it said April 3rd. So I suppose it must be true.