No matter how often Andy Williams might have sung about it, Moon River stinks. Tourists in Carrick-on-Shannon have been disgusted by the foul matter being emitted from an old discharge point from the old town sewerage system every time there's a heavy downpour, according to the Leitrim Observer.
Mr Gerry Murtagh, owner of the Moon River passenger vessel, has described what happens at the quay wall following heavy rain as a "disgusting" and "disturbing" situation.
"The pipe exudes effluent in a 30-metre span around Moon River and it is not the most encouraging aspect to portray to tourists sitting on Moon River having a cup of coffee and waiting to cruise up the Shannon," Mr Murtagh said.
Leitrim county manager Mr John Tiernan blamed global warming, stating that "rainfall patterns in recent years have shown a tendency to increased intensity".
And staying on smelly matters, "Chronic smell ruins the summer season", stated the Impartial Reporter. In Northern Ireland, the town of Kesh is being tainted by the twice-weekly desludging of the sewerage works as tankers remove waste to bring it to treatment works at Silverhill.
Mr Stephen Hey, who lives close to the works on Crevenish Road, described the smell during the desludging as "chronic".
The tendency for traffic on this island to move at a snail's pace has inspired the building of new bypasses which, in one case, is being stopped by none other than - wait for it - snails.
The Tullamore Tribune stated that a rare species of snail - the vertigo moulinsiana - has threatened to scupper the route of the proposed £28 million Tullamore bypass.
The proposed route for the bypass appears to cut directly through an EU protected area, reporter Tadgh Carey revealed. Charleville Wood has been designated as a candidate for the cherished EU label of SAC (Special Area of Conservation) due to the presence of the vertigo moulinsiana and the old oak woodland habitat.
The Leinster Express described work on the Dublin Road in Portlaoise as a "real Tom and Jerry show". The completion work on the road has been postponed from October to December, provoking the anger of locals. But the county secretary defended the county council's work, stating "most of the work is underground and because of this the public cannot see visible progress". "Mob rule" in Northern Ireland prompted the Tullamore Tribune to comment that "the release of dangerous elements into the community such as Johnny `Mad Dog' Adair and his close associates lit the powder keg which exploded in the last few days on the Shankill Road.
" `Mad Dog' and his associates seem determined to impose UDA/LVF control on loyalist working class areas of Belfast and this has brought them into conflict with the other main loyalist paramilitary group, the UVF . . . In any EU country, thuggish elements such as the UDA/LVF would not be allowed to carry out their criminal activities in such an open manner."
THE Leinster Leader stated that "it is surely one of the most remarkable ironies of the last 30 years of troubles in Northern Ireland that it is the loyalist community which has been responsible for the return of the British army to the streets of Belfast. "Where peace, more or less, had broken out, internal feuding and nothing short of gang warfare between the UDA and the UVF exploded into two deaths and destruction of property this week as old rivalries turned into bloody vengeance."
The Roscommon Champion believed that "the fact remains that the recent killings (of three men) breaches the ceasefire, the Good Friday Agreement and the conditions of the prisoner release programmes. "This fact appears to have been ignored by politicians on all sides who are intent on preserving a facade, rushing to put their finger in the dam to stem the flood of violence which threatens to erupt.
"Despite such good intentions, such actions make a mockery of the agreement and the prisoner release programme, and governments should face up to their responsibilities in relation to enforcing the terms of the prisoner release programme in the wake of recent deaths," it concluded.
Commonplace illiteracy, innumeracy and lack of equal opportunity moved the Limerick Leader to question the "official hype" that "our education system is among the best in the world". In reality, "communities in the mid-west and elsewhere are still waiting for their neglected school buildings to be replaced or refurbished to acceptable standards . . . The policy of neglect by procrastination is senseless in financial as well as educational terms."
"Save the Longford drawl", implored the Longford News. This "unique and distinctive local cultural asset" was under threat from progress, in the form of an accent that was a cross between "Dublin 4 semi-posh and a Ronan Keating twang".