The Last Straw: It's always a poignant moment for soccer fans when a major international soccer championship ends and, no matter how entertaining it was, we must let go of England's latest defeat and move on.
But before we move on from Euro 2004, I want to return briefly to David Beckham's highly entertaining penalty miss against Portugal, and a question that surely even Beckham himself is asking. Could Uri Geller have had something to do with it? The possibility arises because of Geller's alleged intervention in the 1996 European Championships in England, to which we'll come back in a minute.
First, courtesy of his website, a brief update on the career of the world-famous psychic, who continues to astound scientists with his ability - using nothing except mind-power - to get himself on television regularly. Although he made his reputation bending spoons - which was impressive, but of limited practical use - recent years have seen him graduate to larger-scale, philanthropic projects, such as saving the world. Uri doesn't like to brag. No, wait a minute - my mistake - he loves to brag.
And apparently his efforts have been central to the stability of the planet in recent years.
His website features a picture of him from the 1990s with the then US vice-president Al Gore at nuclear arms reduction talks, where his role (Uri's, not Al's) was "to mentally bombard" the Soviet Union's delegation.
Who appointed him to this role is not clear, but the Russians wilted in his hands like a cheap cutlery set and signed the deal. Unfortunately, his skill with inanimate objects had no effect on Al Gore who, if he were addressing an audience of pliable spoons, would bore them all rigid.
But back to the 1996 Euro championships, when Uri took a break from saving the world, to save a penalty during the England-Scotland game at Wembley. You may recall that Gary McAllister had a chance to level the game for the Scots. But as he placed the ball on the spot and prepared to kick, unknown to him, Uri was "hovering above Wembley in a helicopter", concentrating fiercely.
As McAllister struck, the ball moved slightly, causing the Scottish ace to miskick. Not content with moving the ball, Geller then also moved England keeper David Seaman - arguably a bigger achievement. "I willed David to dive to his right, and he did," says Geller, who was born in Israel but is now a fanatic supporter of his country of residence.
It's unclear what Geller was doing when Brazil knocked England out of the 2002 World Cup, but his powers were useless by then in the doomed struggle between Seaman and the forces of gravity. Some eye-witnesses claim that when Ronaldinho's long-range lob sailed over his head, Seaman was seen to move slightly - suggesting Geller's involvement. Others argue that it was an optical illusion.
Of the 1996 incident, the psychic says his claims can be backed up by a number of people who were in the helicopter. It was also given some credence by McAllister, who confessed bafflement about what had happened to the ball. But this is understandable. We all need excuses, and if a famous psychic claims responsibility for your worst mistakes, you're not going to argue. (I'd like to point out that any inaccuracies in this column are almost certainly the work of Geller, who has been interfering with my energy fields since the opening paragraph.)
The question is, could the psychic have played a role in England's Lisbon debacle? We have to assume that on this occasion, there was no helicopter hovering over the pitch (or Beckham's penalty would probably have hit it).
But we know Geller does not have to be in the vicinity to influence an event. There was a good example in 2002, when he appeared on BBC's breakfast TV programme to organise a mass healing of Beckham's injured foot. Viewers were invited to places their hands on a picture of the foot and think healing thoughts. No doubt many of them instead placed their hands on the remote control and thought there must be something better on ITV. But Beckham did play in the World Cup (he was on the pitch, at any rate), so Geller could claim another success.
And this is my point: we only ever hear of the successes. Geller has been unusually silent during Euro 2004. Could it be that he was psychically interfering with the Portuguese penalties, and his plan backfired? Beckham clearly believes something supernatural prevented him from scoring, a view shared by the Portuguese, who quickly dubbed the penalty spot "the sand of God". Does Geller ever claim responsibility for his mistakes, even by way of an anonymous phonecall to a radio station, using a recognised codeword? The other possibility is that Beckham was his intended target all along. This would explain why the ball took off like the Hang Seng stock exchange on a rumour of democracy in China.
Geller and Beckham have at least two things in common, one of which is that they both like publicity; and not even Geller's paranormal powers of self-promotion are any match for Beckham's. The other similarity is obvious. Could England's Euro 2004 campaign have been sacrificed because of professional jealously between the world's two most famous benders?
